Baking A Wish One Day At A Time For Autism, Asperger's Syndrome

Stay strong Taylor....

2008-09-23T22:13:00.001-07:00

Anyhow love buddy. Anyhow love!!! So there was a small set back in running away. You know better and you will take the lesson and grow from it. Just stay strong and know that no matter what, we are doing what we feel in our hearts is best for you. Not best for us, as I miss you like crazy!!! It is your future we are talking about here.

Stay strong, stay focused and feel all the love that surrounds you buddy boy!

Love ya to the moon and back buddy... to the moon and back.....

Mama

2008-09-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

Son, our time is so close to going! I am so excited. I so wish that you were living here with me that we could count the days down on a big chart like we did when you were little. That was so much fun! I am sure that you are excited too.

So, what are you most excited for? I know you love Universal Studios, so I think that will be a great day for you and dad. I will most likely opt to sit out with Carlie on most of the things since she is going to not want to be on a lot of those rides or sets. That is all right. It can be a day for the guys. I will be okay with that. I think I HAVE TO go on Jurasic Park ride with you. Remember how you get all wet on that ride. We will need to be sure to get one of those ponchos to escape some of the water. I hope you are going to love the day there. I hope they pull you up on stage this time. You barely escaped it last time.

Second day is our day of rest. I have a great friend that is in the area and thought it would be cool to meet up for lunch with him, but, he is very busy and that will never do. So, it will be a day of just rest. It might be cool to drive to the ocean. I love being at the ocean and hearing the water and the sand between my toes. Just like you. You have always loved the water. You, by far, are my water baby! Although, Carlie is close behind I would have to say. That night is also the night that we will pick up Sis and Spencer at the airport. That will be fun. Maybe we could go to Spaghetti Factory for dinner if they have one in the area, as I know you love Spaghetti Factory.

The following day we will most likely go to Disneyland. I am excited for you to go. My heart keeps smiling each time I think that this is really happening. I know it touched your heart the other night in Red Lobster when you were crying. I had to stop and think, *Does he really understand how much we love him?*. The tears coming down your face, makes me believe that you do feel the love that we have to share with you. I am just so proud of you son. I just wanted to hug you til all the tears quit running, but then I thought.... nah.... tears are good for all of us. It doesn't matter if we are young or old, what color our skin may be, a male or female, or the shape of our body.... tears are good for everyone. Listen to your tears son, as they will teach you so much about yourself, things that you never imagined knowing.

I think that we will go to Knott's Berry Farm on Thursday, according to Dad. It will be fun. I am sure that we will eat dinner there that night. They have the best food. I am so worried about gaining weight on this vacation! I am excited to go on the roller coasters with you. That will be so much fun!!! I am so glad that you are not afraid to go upside down any longer, as those are the very best ones! I just can't wait!!! Are you going to go on the one ride that takes you straight up and then drops you and you fall stories before it lifts you back up again? I think that that one will be so fun. I will go on it with you. I am afraid of heights.... so you may have to hold my hand and you may hear me scream.... but that is what makes it so fun....

The last night we will go back to Disneyland. Dad said that they have a light show or parade that he doesn't want us to miss out on and it stays late on Friday nights. My boss at work said that we should pay Mickey Mouse 20 dollars to beat up Spencer and tape it for you tube. It made me laugh... he was trying to get under Spence's skin.

I am really excited to see Grandma and Grandpa also. I miss them so much as I am sure you do too. They are anxious to see you Taylor. I am sure Grandma will spoil dad, as usual, and the rest of us too, with all of her Japanese cooking. I am anxious to see the cousins play with Carlie and to see Auntie Janice and Uncle Lindley, Geoff, Stacy, Krissy and Raul. I miss Auntie Noreen and Auntie Michelle so that will be nice. I am sure we will see Uncle Michael also.

Okay sweety.... just wanted to touch base to say I love you to the moon and back and I can't wait to spend so much time with you.

I know we will eat at In and Out, like I promised and I already talked to dad about eating at L&L bbq for you also. If you have other places you think of, you better think about it. This is for you buddy. We are so proud of you....

Luvs... Mama!

Dear Tay.... today is the day....

2008-09-20T05:58:00.000-07:00

Hi son! Good morning to you! I sit downstairs typing this to you. I think of you often in the mornings when I get up, as it feels so odd knowing you are out of the hospital, but I still am not waking you up for school. Today is a Saturday though, so no school anyhow.

I feel 100% spoiled this week getting to see your face so much! I just love that face!!!

I still miss you sOOOOO very much! It seems so odd that my baby can be almost 18 years old. I just can't imagine time passing that quickly, but it does. That is a lesson I want you to know son, time goes by quickly. Due to this, I want you to learn a lesson about your heart. You have to do things in life that make your heart happy. Things for Taylor only. You are so much like me, in many ways. We always put others needs ahead of our own at times. In balance that is a fantastic thing. However, there can be times that we lose ourselves due to not caring if our own needs are met. Meet your needs, don't sell yourself short Mister!

You know, every night, I sleep with my phone under my pillow, or next to my pillow. That way if you or sis need me, I am always available. Any day, any night... I am here for you... always have been and always will be. I never want you to wonder if you can call... just call.

I am sooo proud of you that you are now a SENIOR in high school. We are going to go get your senior portraits taken here soon so we can get them in the yearbook. I will need to go to the school to buy you an annual also for you to keep. Taylor, you get to graduate. How very exciting for you buddy! I am so proud of you hanging on. I so knew you would get to this point. Dad and I have a lot of faith in you buddy. Just keep going son! Hang on, and when you feel like letting go, tell us, we will help you every step of the way.

I am so glad you like your new school. I think you like it as it is set up somewhat like a college atmosphere. Your teachers and the staff seem much more capable as the other teachers you have had in your past. It made me cry knowing how many people were there to support my son. You are such a special young man, and you are so loved. I know you don't like me speaking up a lot Tay, but, I want to make sure you are aware that I will make sure your needs are met. Your dad will do the same also. Your best interest is what we want.

So, what is today? Today is going to be a kodak moment day. Today is the day that we get to tell you about our upcoming trip to Southern CA. I am so excited to see the look on your face. I am so anxious to see your reaction. Most importantly, I am so excited to spend a lot of days with you, where I can be spoiled by just having fun with you. Universal Studios, Disneyland for two days, and Knott's Berry Farm! How fun will this be? If you only understood how much time, energy and thought that went into this, you would understand how crazy busy we have been.
I have been doing fundraising with sis... but she started putting all of this in motion. Dad has been planning things to a T... you know how dad is when it comes to planning. So... we are almost there buddy.

I am glad you were able to go to dinner with us last night and that you met Derek. He is a pretty nice young man isn't he. He would be a great friend to have son. Your needs are about the same, he is polite and well mannered just like you, and smart. Those are the qualities to look for when looking for a friend. Make great choices buddy.

Okay honey, I must get ready. I need to walk out the door in a half hour. I love you honey... to the moon and back, I love you........

And then there was you.......

2008-09-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

I am so proud of you son! I am so glad you have done well enough to get yourself out of the hospital. I am anxious to see you apply some of the skills that you have learned into your everyday life. I know you are a stKrong young man. I know you are a wise young man. I know you are a kind young man with so many great manners. I have nothing but high hopes for you.

Just remember in life buddy, you have to take time out for you. Know that even the best of us can lose ourselves in life and issues and anything in between. Remember that you are worth everything you want to be worth. Have self respect and dignity. Have a heart that feels others pain and wants to reach out and help them as a giving heart is priceless. Treat people fairly and with kind words. Don't be in a hurry to point fingers. Self reflect, and do it often to really know who you are. Let your words tell people how you feel, not your actions.

I could go on all night long son. It feels rather odd to me at moments that you are not in our house, in your room. I know someone else is cooking for you and listening to you and it is difficult for me at moments, but then I remember what wonderful people you are with. I remember you are my son, and I am your mom, no matter what. Remember that I love you to the moon and back and NOTHING will ever change that. I wish I had all the skills to help you and I wish I could take away your pain and confusion. For now, all I can do is support you and be here for you whenever you need me, and even when you don't need me.

I had a great day with you today getting ice cream.

Hey Tay!

2008-09-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Tay....

I have been up most of the night thinking of you buddy. I am so excited to get you home. Your last day at the Parry Center will be on Friday. I am sure you must be getting so very excited. Just so you know how much I love you son. Everything is going to be okay. No matter what we are going to get through this together. You are such a good young man. I sure have been liking spending time with you when you are at home. I especially like our errands time so we can sit and chat together.

Just hang on... you are almost to your transitional home. I can't wait for you to learn the skills needed so you get to come home here with us. You know this is ALWAYS your home and we ALWAYS will love you.

See you soon buddy. I will be there on Thursday to see you. Hugs buddy.

Mom

So much for the all you can eat pasta at olive garden

2008-09-08T04:13:00.001-07:00

We took the kids out for all you can eat pasta at Olive Garden on Saturday. It is so good. I highly recommend half meat sauce and half garlic alfredo... YUM! Well, Spencer dared Taylor with a bet that he would not be able to eat three bowls of pasta. The bet was if he couldn't do it, Taylor would have to wash his jeep and one of our cars. If Taylor won, he really wanted me to take him to Dairy Queen. I am not sure how I got roped into it as it was not my bet at all.

Taylor started looking haggard during the duration of eating three heaping servings of pasta. At one point he almost threw in the towel.... however, he kept going.... He did it. After that, poor fella felt so stuffed he didn't feel good. We ate an early dinner... so we were sure that he would not want dairy queen until the following day. HECK no... I had to get dressed again at 8:30p to go on a Dairy Queen run for him. I was so ready for bed since I had been up since three a.m.

He still has no idea that we are going on the trip. I am not sure when we will tell him. We can't tell him too far in advance as it is difficult for him, the unknown, and he would be really antsy for the remaining month or so.... We found someone that will be house sitting for us so that will be nice also. Our dog will be able to stay at home and that is nice too.

Larry and Renee

2008-09-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

We went last week to meet the transitional home that Taylor will be living in. (sorry for my lack of blogging as I am working so much overtime). It was a really difficult morning for all of us. It really was scary, the unknown.

We met with them and Amanda went with us, as well as Carlie. We felt Taylor should be surrounded by his immediate family. It was hard for Amanda and it broke my heart. It was hard on all of us, but especially Amanda. There were many tears shed.

What do I think of the Tylers? I think that they love children. I think that they have a life calling to help children with special needs. They are kind and gentle spoken. They are knowledgeable. They are on the same page as we are. They are on the page of the good people.

We spoke a bit about Taylor and his behaviors and needs. To be honest, it is hard. It is hard that this is my baby that I love, and that my husband loves. He is our son. Here we are relinquishing our son to the care of another set of people. Taylor wasn't sure what to call them. I told him that he is more than welcome to call them mom and dad if that is comfortable to him. As I said those words, my brain and my heart were working against each other to be honest. Logically, the word mom being called to another woman, it is all right, but as for emotionally, that does hurt my heart. That is my son that I carried for 9 months and raised for 17 years. He is my only son. He is my boy, my buddy, who my heart worries about most in life, and here, I say, yes, it is okay to call her mom. Yet, there was such a relief to him. His mind doesn't have to battle itself in what to call them or if it is going to hurt my feelings, or if it is going to make them upset. It gave him permission to relax, and when he is feeling confused, he can't relax. Will him calling her mom reflect on the way that I love him or how he loves me? Surely not. Nothing can change history. He is always going to be my son. He is always going to be our son. He will always love his dad as his dad and me as his mom. I am a firm believer that nobody will be hurt by more people loving them. He is going to be loved by more. It kind of goes back to the saying it takes a village to raise a child.

As always keep my family and my son lifted in prayer please. We can always use them. Prayer is the greatest power in our lives. Amanda really needs the prayers also as she is really battling this in her mind. She loves him so much. It would be one thing if we were bad people and our son was taken from us due to abuse or neglect, but that is surely not the case. We are choosing to let him go to get help.

Today is the day....

2008-08-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that we go to meet the family that run the transitional home that Tay will be living in until he is 18 years old. I have known this day is coming, yet, I want to put my head under the covers and just not deal with it. How is that for honesty? I am nervous for him. I am scared. I am confused. I don't feel as focused as I need to be. I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS!!! I don't let him see my fears. I try to encourage him.

Gordy took Taylor by their home yesterday to calm his fears a little bit. Apparently during a talk that they were having, Taylor started to cry. It just breaks my heart for him. I am also afraid that he will start to run when he gets frustrated. I am afraid that he is going to regress. I am afraid that when he runs, he will run to our home, and I will have to answer the door and tell him that he isn't able to be here at that time. Gosh, all of these thoughts run through my head constantly.

Last night we went to get some dinner, just Tay and I. On the way home he wanted to contact his biological grandparents from his paternal side. I don't even have their phone number and it is not listed. It hurts my heart for him. He was asking if he would have foster brothers. I told him this was not a foster home where his parents didn't want him or are abusive towards him, that this is a transitional home, just trying to get him back to our home, where he belongs. I am not sure he knows the difference, as his brain isn't exactly wired to understand more complicated things at times.

I am nervous in the back of my head, that since Taylor is not in a lock down facility such as the Parry Center that he is in for medical treatment, that he will start to run again. I am afraid of his dangerous behaviors. I am afraid of him making poor choices in friends again as they are waiting for someone weak like Taylor in decision making. How could people be so cruel? It simply amazes me.

Please keep my family in prayer. We want all that is good for our son. We want him to be happy and healthy and productive and safe. I am so afraid right now. I don't want to cry, as I am afraid as soon as that happens, I won't be able to stop crying. If God would just let me take some of this confusion for him, or let me take some of the hurt for him, I would in a second.

I asked God if everything was going to be ok for Taylor, to give me a sign. All of a sudden a beautiful blue bird landed on our deck and sang for about 5 minutes, and he sang LOUD. I am not sure that this is a sign or not... but in my heart I want to accept it as a sign. His discharge meeting is supposed to happen on the 11th of the month. He is supposed to be discharges as soon as the 15th of the month. I have court that day. Just keep us close to prayer please. I am most worried about Taylor of course.

Today I took Tay back...

2008-08-24T20:00:00.000-07:00

The drive to the center was a nice ride. Tay was talkative and it made time go by quickly. I love when he is talkative as that is not often.

Some things I am writing about as I don't want to forget. It was interesting to listen to him talk about how he wanted to *mac* our car out. He was saying he wanted to get it painted when he gets a job, and get detailing on it and rims, such as spinners...???? It was just something that caught my attention as we drive a camry... not a car you would see that with. But that is what he wants. The really interesting thing about it is, he keeps talking about getting a job to do so.

Another thing that was interesting to hear him talk about. He said he would love to get an old time school bus (his words, not mine) and convert it to have a bed in it, or a couple of beds. He would like to travel the whole U.S. in the bus with friends. He stated that everyone could pitch in. Again, not thinking that people would have to work to afford to pitch in and it just isn't a reality. It is fun to listen to him talk about his ideas though.

His therapist called me and asked me to send some toys back with him. He is sleeping a lot there which is most likely a sign of depression creeping back in, but they also recently changed some meds... so who knows which. He is bored with his current toys. So as I was driving he pulled out his toys he brought. He packed about 60 match box cars, and three transformers. He was so very excited about it. He was pulling each car out and telling me about it.

I just didn't want to ever forget todays conversations, so wanted to log it. Also, he called Kev to wish him a happy birthday. He didn't get through so he was disappointed. He said he would call him later this week.

A day of being siblings...

2008-08-24T08:00:00.000-07:00

It is always really good to have all of our kids in one single spot. It is when I feel the most content. Taylor is constantly wanting to spend time with his older sister and it is so nice to see that she and Spencer make time for him. He spent the afternoon with them yesterday. He had a great time. He is so disappointed that he has to go back to Portland today. He assumed since we got him last week for an extra day to catch him up on some medical appointments, that we would naturally get to keep him like that each week. It breaks my heart to tell him no.

Taylor was telling sis yesterday about his new home. (His transitional home through DD *disability* services) He said how afraid he is to go there. Oh, it just breaks my heart for him. I know that all of the changes are going to be really difficult for him as he, and others with his disorder, do not react well to change.

My hopes and dreams are still that he knows that none of this has to do with not loving him, but that we are doing this as we love him more than anything and need him to gain some of the living skills needed to get along in this world... just to get by even.

It really is difficult for me to know that there is going to be a day that I will not be here for him due to his special needs. I need to know in my heart that he will be able to care for himself somewhat. He might need additional services for that, but I would be failing him as a mother and as a parent if I did not try to accomplish those goals. It is hard enough to know you won't be there to be able to let them vent, or cry on your shoulder and things of that nature. However, not knowing he was able to cook something for himself safely, walk across the street safely *even if he is mad*, be able to get to work on time, knowing how to work and set his alarm clock and be responsible, and things of that nature.... you know... it would be really hard. I know that our girls will love him and visit him, help take care of him in a nurturing way, because that is how our girls are. I sometimes think how hard it would be if G leaves this earth before I do. Not only the biggest heart ache of my life, but I am so afraid of how my kids are going to hurt too. The girls love their dad so much also, and we would all need to go through that grieving process. However, poor Tay would have an awful time beyond anything. I just can't imagine it. It hurts my heart. It sounds so morbid to think of and it is, to be honest. However, when you see your child struggle with such small issues in life, death of someone that he truly loves with all his heart, that is going to be the worst devastation ever!

School starts soon. The paper work for his discharge is supposed to be around September 15th 2008. He has no idea about the vacation that we have diligently been working on to get him to the wish he gave his sister of going to Disneyland, and local attractions. Nearly $6,000 needed in five months is a challenge, that is for sure! Thanks for all the donations and help from our followers of this blog and everyone buying jerky and bake sale items.

A lot of people are writing and somewhat afraid to ask us a question about our son. We are more than happy to answer anything for you, or my daughter as she is more aware of some of the resources that she is coming up with. The resources on our page that google posts for us will lead to other resources also. That is the purpose of us posting them, to share our knowledge and wealth through all of this. We want people to be also aware that our son is a human being. He might have a disability, but he is a young man with thoughts and feelings. He wants friends, he wants to be accepted. He is not bad, but sometimes his choices are poor. (Many teens make poor choices without having a disability). We want people to know we love our son just the way he is, but strive to get him help for his future to be bright and hopeful.

We will be having a Krispy Kreme Doughnut sale in September, on the 21st of the month, and we will also have jerky available for sale near the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. If you know of anyone interested in pre orders let me know. The cost of the doughnuts is $8 per dozen. Not much more than what the grocery stores now charge. All the profit will also go towards helping spread autism awareness and also finish up paying for his wish to get his whole family together for one last vacation to a place that he loves.

I can't wait to hug you today buddy!

2008-08-22T04:41:00.000-07:00

I am so excited. I know that I will get to see Taylor tonight when my husband brings him home. That is always a day I look forward to during the week. I think that our daughter Amanda and her boyfriend are going to take him to the fair this weekend on Saturday. I am sure he will love that.

I have a lot of jerky to sell this weekend. My friend Sandie is helping us. I also need to figure out a place that we will be selling the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. We will do that in September....

On my way out the door for work now.... blessings to all...

The R word, help stop it now...

2008-08-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

This is a video that I saw on a new friend's page and it just struck home so much. Please stop this silliness now. It starts with one person and having that person educate others.

Would I change a thing?

2008-08-19T20:11:00.001-07:00

Carlie waking from a nap while visiting bub at
the Parry Center.....

This is a spot in our back yard that the owners
before us had a large above ground pool. This
is ours.... Tay, sis and Dad........

I have received questions from time to time if I could go back and change Tay, would I? That is a double edged sword. My first answer would be yes, in a heart beat. I think that both Gordy and myself just cringe at the hardships that our son has faced, and we know that this is not going to change anytime soon. We love him and we want him to flourish and we want him to be happy, and healthy. For us, I think that happy and healthy both go hand in hand. So yes, to save my son from this, what mother or father wouldn't want this.

BUT.... and this is a BIG BUT

On the other hand, NEVER would I change him if it were for myself or for our family. God made Taylor; Taylor! He is who he is. His wires of his brain aren't attached the same as ours are (so to speak and for the purpose of a visual only...) If I were to wish that differently a couple of things would take place. First of all, I feel like I would be saying that Taylor wasn't good enough, and that is so far from the truth. Also, God gives us blessings. Taylor is one of our three blessings. Who would I be to say that this blessing was less than a miracle or miraculous? Who would I be to deny that God had this plan for Taylor by forming him in my womb? I believe that this child of mine is such a gift, and such a blessing and I will love him through his strengths and his weaknesses.

One scripture in the bible that my mind often wonders to when I think of God entrusting this young man's life to us, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. That touches my heart and soul so very much. God knows Taylor's future. I think that He also knew that Gordy would be the perfect dad for our son when his biological father failed him. There was a plan.

There are days that putting one step in front of the other for me is difficult. Sometimes I just DON'T want to. I then think of our kids needing us, and I know that I must.

I love my son. I want his happiness to surpass his confusion. I want to be by his side the whole way. God is guiding us, Gordy, the girls and I, even when it feels like we are adrift at sea, meeting the crashing waves against our ship... but we keep our eyes to the heavens and to the shore, where our son is.

Blessings to all of our family and friends (who are also our family). With all of the changes about to occur for our son, we know that there may be some regressions about to take place. Please put him in your prayers and keep us there too. A strong person knows when to ask for prayer, and I know we will need each of them.

Music to Listen to while browsing out blog

2008-08-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

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I am so lonely for him....

2008-08-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today I had to take my son back. I miss him already. It is really difficult for me to take him there and leave without him. I just want to grab him and hold him and say NO! I want to say, pack your stuff up and let's go home. However, that is not to be yet. The next stage is the transitional home and that is coming up more rapidly than we had imagined. I am trying to prepare myself for that.

When growing up, the word foster home, in my mind, meant that a child had parents that didn't care for him/her, or were drug abusers, or child abusers. It is such a big pill to swallow as my son will be in a foster home. UGGG!!! Drives me crazy to know that the stereo type probably still applies. For us, that is so far from the truth. We love Taylor. We want everything that is good for Taylor. He is our heart and our soul. I just feel so sad about it in that aspect. However, he is going to a great family in our area and that is good. They are supposed to have a lot of experience with kids and the system. We will be able to see him a lot more.

Thanks all that follow this and everyone that writes comments or sends us email. It helps keep us going.

Home for the weekend

2008-08-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

Tay is home for the weekend. I have not seen him yet, as I was over visiting a very sick friend at her home. The boys were supposed to call me when they got home. When I hadn't heard from them, I got a bit nervous and called home. I woke my husband and he said Tay had fallen asleep also. I have not seen him to this point. Gordy said that his face is pretty banged up as well as some big scrapes on his knees and legs. That makes me pretty nervous to see him tomorrow. I hate to see my kids hurt. I am very nervous to see him. I just need to stay calm and not react. That is very difficult for me at times.

Taylor will be going to a transitional home soon. I have such mixed emotions about it to be honest. I am excited for him as he really wants to get out of the Perry Center, but they know that he is not ready to come home yet. I am really excited that he will be in our town which is closer for us and we will be able to see him more readily. That will be so wonderful. I am nervous that he is familiar with the area and will be more apt to start running away again. I have high hopes and expectations for him, but I am still very nervous and scared.

We have heard wonderful things about the home that he will be living in. That makes me happy. I also feel bad, that he will have someone that will be acting as a mother figure. I want that to be my job. I know it sounds so selfish, but, he is my son. I love him.... it is hard. Keep him in prayer please!

Come on Tay... keep it together buddy! You can do this!

2008-08-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

Another day of horrible outbursts for Taylor. It just breaks my heart. He was doing so well. Each night at about this same time, he is having really bad outbursts at the center. This is the fourth night this week. This terrifies me. I am not sure if it is his medications or if it is the fact that his therapist has gone to a new job, or C) none of the above. All I know is that Taylor is regressing and this is not a good thing. I didn't sleep one wink last night, just sitting up worrying about him.

I am not sure if he will be able to come home tomorrow or not. I was looking forward to seeing him. I just wish I could understand, if for only one second, how his brain thinks. It is terrifying to me. I want to protect him from things that are going to hurt him. I want to protect him from himself. Just when he seems to have most of the rage under control, he regresses.

They say it is at the same time of night each night, so perhaps it has to do with meds. I am not sure what it is, but I just know I am him mom and I want nothing other than for him to be ok.

Some issues

2008-08-13T02:05:00.000-07:00

We talked to a staff member at the center this evening. Apparently there are some issues going on with Tay there. On Sunday night apparently he ran away at the center for a short amount of time. This is not a good sign. He came back on his own accord, which is good, but none the less, there are some issues going on. He also had to have a hold two nights in a row. The first night, I guess he was fighting the hold pretty bad and ended up getting cut on the cheek. I am very worried about him. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Sorry for the lack of keeping this up lately!

2008-08-12T18:47:00.000-07:00

Our lives are thrust into the FAST lane! With being back to work and very little time to take care of myself when I get home let alone my family, leaves very little time to blog. We get to spend time with Taylor on the weekend so I am also occupied at that time too. I am not complaining as that is what I want. I love my time with the kids together. That is what being a mother is.

Gordy goes in on Friday for a follow up with Marion County New Solutions on Friday. I am not sure if his DD worker will be there or not. We are anxious to find out if there is going to be alternative placement for him. He is anxious for that also.

It is a bit ironic to be honest. The two homes that harbored him when he would run, both families have moved now. Well, not officially... one has moved and the other one has their home for sale. Why oh why could they have not moved before last year and just have left my son alone. I really do think that they had a lot to do with him getting so out of control with his behaviors this past year. I know meds also had a lot to do with it.

Tay earned a scooter at the center and he is so proud of it. It is wood also on the platform where you put your feet. He loves it. He brought it home this past weekend. He enjoys it...

This weekend he will be home for four days... well, three basically. Gordy will pick him up on Friday. We will get him for the weekend. Then on Monday I will need to take him to the dentist and orthodontist, and then run him back to Portland. I am not too fond of driving in the traffic in Portland, but have done it several times during his hospitalizations.

Just wanted to update everyone. Sorry again, I am really trying! Thanks for visiting our sponsors too.

I was just thinking about our neighbors....

2008-08-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a block party in our neighborhood. It is hard for me as this is the first one without Taylor being home for it. He REALLY enjoys the block parties. So, as I sit here and try to figure out what I am going to bring to the party, I started thinking about what a blessing it is to live in the neighborhood that we do. We were very lucky to find such a kind set of neighbors, not really one set in particular but like five or six sets of neighbors.

Taylor loves going out and talking to all the neighbors. Especially when he gets to come home for the weekends. He likes to make his grand entrance to go see them all. It is usually one of the first things he does when he pulls into the driveway. It makes me smile. Even during the darkest times, not one of them gave us stares or dirty looks when Taylor was having his melt downs screaming and swearing at us. A couple of instances really touch my heart with the neighbors. One night Tay had run away from us. He ended up being in the street late at night and was smashing rocks to get his frustrations out. One of our neighbors, Don, came out to just talk to Taylor. He and Taylor have this connection and he listens to Don. The police were called as Taylor's behavior had them worried (can't blame them). The police was very rude to my husband and it was a mess. The police don't know what they are talking about when it comes to autism, that is just the long and short of it. So, there was Don, trying to pick up the pieces with us. I was so impressed. Taylor also loves the other men in the neighborhood, Lee, Trent and last but certainly not least, Joe. Joe's wife is the other one that has a lasting memory in my mind. On one of the first *all night* runaways, we had the police over yet again, making out a report. It was so awful. Your stomach just hurts when all of this is going on. Anyhow, we had police in our back yard looking for Tay with lights and it was just horrifying that at that moment, that was our life. How did our life get like that? Thoughts just kept racing through my head. We were checking out under the deck in the back and our neighbor, Mavis came out and asked if we were okay. I told her Taylor had run. I felt so awkward saying it, but there it was, out on the table. It was like an open wound for all to see. I expected her to go inside, yet there she stood in her house coat, calling Taylor's name. You know your heart, when you are ready to cry, how it all starts feeling warm, and you can't control it, that is what I felt. More recently, after Taylor had already left for the Parry Center, we had a garage sale. Don's wife Bonnie came over and not only did she buy things from us, but she also gave us a donation to help Taylor get to Disneyland. Lee across the street, he took Taylor to school each morning, even after his son stopped riding with them and started riding the bus. His wife Elizabeth has come over umpteen times to cheer me when all seems hopeless for that moment. I also remember going to Trent and Carrie's house across the street one night in deep desperation for help. Carry works with kids that are autistic, but more kids that are non verbal. I needed resources. She did so much leg work and came to my home a couple of days later with a list of contacts.

We are very blessed to live in the neighborhood we do live in. We live with people that really care about each other and lift each other when they are in need. I am so lucky that they are in our lives.

I still don't know what to take tomorrow.

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... mama

Weekend home with our Taylor. A family affair!

2008-08-03T19:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, I apologize as my blogging gets to be less and less with work now at hand. I am glad to be back, but keeping up on this is difficult. Then the weekends are all about Taylor and that is the way we want it.

We had a wonderful weekend with Taylor. There were a couple of rough spots as this was supposed to be a weekend that Taylor would be able to go on a family reunion and it got canceled one week before it was to take place. That is hard for him as he worked so hard to be able to go see his grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. So, we had as good of a weekend as we could under the circumstances.

One thing that stuck me by surprise: He was teasing Spencer over the weekend, calling him a mama's boy. All of a sudden, he said "Spencer, it is no big deal, I am a mama's boy too." He wasn't doing it to get my attention as he never even looked at me. He just kept going on in conversation. It has been YEARS since he has given me any indication that that bond was still in place from his point of view. It took me back. It felt REALLY REALLY good. However, in reality, I know, he, just like Carlie, are Daddy's kids. He is just as much in favor of his dad. In fact, I see their bond so much each time I am around them.
As usual, we had a water kid. He went so far as to tell his dad, that "That is what he is all about" when referring to going swimming at the pool. It made us laugh as Gordy relayed the story to me. He loves swimming so much, it is hard to get him out of the water. He had a great time swimming with the whole family.

We also went to the Pride celebration downtown and had a nice time. He grabbed bumper stickers and buttons and pens and anything he could get his hands on. It was also amusing. We saw some of our friends down there also, and that was nice.

We also went to breakfast in Stayton yesterday. Horrible service, but the best company I could ask for. Then Gordy took us out to dinner also where we met Amanda and Spencer. It was a very busy weekend trying our hardest to keep his mind off of the family reunion.

He went back today. Gordy took him back. I sit here now, and I miss him. I never feel totally "full" without him at the house. He told us yesterday that he will always live with us and he wants to live in the garage and convert it into an apartment. He will just have to live in his room, but it is interesting to listen to his perspective on things.

Our son....

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... Mama

Good Bye Miss Jessie

2008-07-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

About an hour ago we found out that our son's therapist is transferring her jobs. She will work for the same company, but at a different facility. I am happy for her, but very sad for my family and most of all our son. She has been a huge asset to our son's treatment at The Parry Center. I think it is going to be difficult for Taylor as she really connected with him. She was in it to win it and she has really done a magnificent job with Taylor.

There seems to be a lack of words when it comes to saying thank you for helping our son. You feel as if you owe the people that care for him so much more than what words offer. No words will measure up to the feelings we have for the people that care for him and help him. This transition has been so much better than past experiences. It is like the lack of words when we have a child and you can write again and again all the reasons that you love that child, but the words don't even touch the tip of the ice burg.

We appreciate you Ms. Jessie. You will never be his mother, obviously, but thanks for being as close to a mom that he had while there in your care. Thanks for caring for my son when I am not able to be there. Thanks for taking an interest in him and his needs. Thanks for advocating for my son. Thanks for wanting the best for Taylor. Thanks for being the wonderful person that you are. I appreciate all you have done for him. Gordy and I feel so much gratitude that God put you in Taylor's life.

Blessings in your future.

Thanks for asking the update on Tay's funds

2008-07-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

And Let there be jerky!

2008-07-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

We have so much jerky! Please, if you are in the area and are wanting to buy some jerky, we have it. It is all sealed and we just purchased it from a dealer at wholesale. We got a good enough break on the prices that we are able to also pass some savings onto you. It is Oberto jerky and we have tons of jerky. Our biggest seller so far is for weight watchers people as we have packages that only have 100 calories. In the store they sell for $1.99. We are able to sell them for $1.25, which is a big savings for people. That is a 40% savings. Buy 10 or more packs and the price goes down to $1.00 each. We have other varieties also, but this is our biggest seller.

As for now, I just unloaded the van and I am so tired. A full van load unloaded, and working a full day, and I should be going to bed now.

Thanks so much. Please spread the word to all you know. This is going to most likely finish our fund raising to get our Taylor to Disneyland, and other attractions in Southern California.

Let me help at least one person in this life....

2008-07-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today I had a great talk with one of my co-workers and friend, at work. We actually had a lot of conversations today, but, one in particular came up. She had a lot of questions of autism. I answered them to the best of my ability, which wasn't too hard, as her questions seemed like she was asking about my son Taylor. She knows someone that might possibly have autism, so she was curious.

What the neat thing about this was, she has two kids of her own. She is a good mommy to her kids, so, her being so concerned shows that she also is not a selfish person but is wanting to help someone else.

I will always work with my son, and love my son and strive for the best for my son. Nothing will change that now, or ever. However, it would be so nice to touch the life of someone that could use help in this area as it is a wonderful thing to pass on. I wish someone would have known about and helped answer my questions through autism. If Taylor's life can help make one person's somewhat better, what a blessing for both of us.

The person that I spoke to just kicks butt at her job and nobody can touch her there... so she is someone that I usually don't sit with as I could use her words to a t and still never get 'er done! LOL! So for me to sit with her and have such good conversation on some touchy subjects, I think God put her in my life today.

Tay, I miss you today son. I miss you a lot. I just tried to call you but it seems like you are having a really hard night. I am sorry. I wish I could help you and make it better. I wish I could be there and try to listen to you. I wish I could just hug you.

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back.

Hope you had a fun weekend Taylor!

2008-07-27T15:14:00.000-07:00

No music today, as playlist is down for some reason!!! Bummer!

We had Taylor over the weekend but our time went by entirely too fast!!! It bums me out. But, none the less we did have a great time with him.

On Friday when he got home, he decided he needed to wash the van with his little sister while Gordy got some things done with our trailer. We were set to go on a family reunion with my family, but my mom called on Thursday to say she had to cancel it. Big bummer in our eyes as we were looking forward to seeing each other.

We then ran down and grabbed some pizza and headed to Amanda and Spence's to help get some tags done for Kathleen and Garrett's wedding that is this Thursday. We were busy working. Tay had to take his meds before we left so, as hard as he tried, he was out in about a half hour after getting there. We didn't get home until after midnight from getting her tags completed.

On Saturday we had to run to DMV to get his State ID card. I was totally upset with the way they treated him. He had to sign his name on the machine. Well, due to his autism, his fine motor skills aren't the best. The line was small and they asked him to sign his full name. It really got him nervous and you could clearly see that on his face. He kept trying but he was not able to get it all in on that line. As hard as he tried. The lady said, come on now, this shouldn't take this long. He started to get really agitated. She then told him to write his first and middle name on the line but his last name underneath. He kept trying. His meds make his hands shake, so each time his knuckle would hit the screen it would erase his signature. The lady made another smart ass comment and you could just see defeat across his face. I kept telling him that he could come back later, let's go to the store and come back (we needed the ID card to take back to his unit) and he got really upset and disappointed in himself. I finally looked at the lady and told her to cool it, by lipping it to her. I then slipped a note to her that he was autistic and that she should be a bit more professional. Why should I have to do things like that? It is so sad!

We then went into Vancouver WA to enjoy a Hawaiian Festival. It is our second year to attend. It is a great event and I recommend it to everyone. The lady that runs it is a very nice lady. She has two sons that usually sing at it. They are very talented. Their name is Brothers Kaloku and Keawe. However, one of the brothers just got a new job and was not able to be there. I was so looking forward to Kaloku and his friends to perform but Taylor got too anxious being there. I tried to prolong our departure as long as I could, but he just couldn't make it long enough. You can view them on myspace at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=142770684. Their mom also has a myspace at http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=40392237

These are good people, check them out for sure!!!! I think that the gentlemen actually sell CD's if I recall as I want to buy one also!!!

There is also a FANTASTIC LADY who runs a shave ice stand. That is how we have gotten interested in these events, and the talented sons, and hula classes, is through the lady that runs the shaved ice stand. Ululani's shave ice! THE BEST! However, I really think that some of the goodness of the shaved ice is the kindness that she shows others.

So, all in all a great weekend. Anytime you are surrounded by the aloha spirit, how could you go wrong? Whenever we have our son with him, if even for a short time, what a great thing. Keep us in prayer.

A thankful heart to many, and an admiration to our friend Alex

2008-07-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

There are days that your heart just feels so overfilled with joy and comfort, knowing that someone loves your family. There are days that you are especially grateful for the people that surround your family and especially your children with good vibes and set examples of kindness.

A week or so ago I wrote about one of the students that my husband worked with at a college, that became a part of our family. Alex! Our friend that thought outside the box. Our friend that could take an old percolator coffee pot and turn it into a piece of artwork. Our friend that spoke his mind but was respectful in doing so.

It is really important to me to know that there are people that God leads to our hearts. At first we may not know at the time, how, or why they are in our life, and what we are going to teach us. What are we going to take from them? How are we going to build that relationship? You just never know.... but I do believe each has a purpose in one way or another.

So, Alex was a young man that taught me today with words he wrote on this letter he sent me through the mail. I am simply amazed. Without going into his person life in depth, he was searching for answers in his life, to know which direction or road he wanted to follow in life. He traveled and did some amazing soul searching and he knew he wanted his passion and to be with someone he loved, so he relocated his life, and is about to do that again in a short amount of time.

He wrote this letter of support and encouragement on our family situation with our son's autism and how we support each other. My eyes just welled with tears as I just felt his arms around us, even though he is so far from us. His words made us miss him even more.

He then sent a check and said that this was to cover a day at Disneyland for Taylor. I can't tell you how much I (we) were touched by this. I immediately called my daughter to tell her. I woke her up from a nap, but she was also so touched. She is one of his biggest fans anyway, this just really touched her heart since she is busting her rear to get this trip for Taylor. What a kind and generous man he is.

Did God place Alex in our life to hand us a check to get our son into Disney for a day? Certainly not! However, He placed Alex in our life to be a part of our family. It does not matter the distance that separates us, he is one of our forever friends. He is the big brother that Taylor deserves. He has a fantastic older sister and younger sister, but not a big brother. That is what Alex is... caring, concerned and supporting. That is what family is.

Today, although I always know I am blessed, I am so very blessed to know that God has plans for us. I know that Alex is in our life for a purpose, and visa versa. I know God will continue to put positive people in our lives.

Alex, when you read this, if you read this, I am so thankful for you. I am so touched by not only your generosity but your thoughtfulness. We are looking to meet up with you on Sunday when you get in, perhaps we can take you and your girlfriend out, or meet you one night when Amanda and Spencer are in town also. I am sorry you have to work and can't join us a day, but would love to just catch up with you.

Good Morning Son

2008-07-23T04:23:00.000-07:00

I am back to work now and I so miss getting up and blogging to you. My days are filled with work and activity until it is time to go to bed, as you can well imagine. I miss the time to just sit and jot my thoughts to you. HOWEVER, it doesn't mean that you are not on my mind. I miss you so much.

I can't wait to go to the Hawaiian Festival with you this weekend. I think that I washed your Luau shirt for you on Sunday, but I will double check. I know it is one of your favorites.

I sure wish you were here to sell jerky with me. We have tons to sell. I went and picked up another van full last night. I appreciate you going house to house the other day wanting to help someone else in need. That is so SWEET of you!

I have so much to sell. I am going to see if there are any events coming up in the area soon where I can sell some there. That would be fun!

Okay son, for now, I need to finish getting ready for work. Just know you are never far from my thoughts and you are ALWAYS in my heart.

OH... I just came up with a new recipe a couple of nights ago. I am going to try to submit it in for a contest and the winner gets a trip to NEW YORK NY for two. It would be fun for me to go there with dad or you or sis. I doubt I will win, but it is sure fun to daydream about. Then we could get some of those nut chews on the corner like dad brought home.

To the moon and back buddy~ Mom

STOP THE R WORD

2008-07-23T04:19:00.001-07:00

We go together!

2008-07-21T17:40:00.001-07:00

We had a great weekend with you Tay! I am glad you were able to spend time with Amanda and Spencer also. I hope you are keeping the new shoes she bought for you extra clean, as I know how important that was for you.

I had fun at the yard sales with you. You were as patient as you could be even though you were hot and tired. I hope you loved the treasures you found at the sales. I know that they bull fighter with the bull on the black velvet was your absolute favorite. It makes me smile to think of how proud you were of your painting. It was very cute.

I think that your favorite thing was most likely going to Wonderland with your dad right before he took you back to Parry Center. I hope you had the best time....

My favorite part of your weekend? I would have to say that it was most likely when you and Carlie were sitting in the pool together. You are such a good brother to want to spend time with her. You two seemed to be having fun.

If I can't keep up as much on this, buddy, just know I started back to work so I am going to be gone most of the day, but as usual, you are never far from my thoughts, dreams and prayers. Dad and I are so proud of you.

To the moon and back buddy.... Mama~

The sore on your forehead is from you trying to hang upside down on the monkey bars at the center. Where oh where did you learn to hang by your toes son?

The next step...

2008-07-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we met with Blanca from DD services and also with Danielle, and Tami from New Solutions. We had a telephone conference with Jessie, Felicia and the Doctor from the Perry Center. The meeting went well and I really feel God is leading us to the right people, once again. This last set of trials and tribulations has gone much smoother than we have experienced in the past. (God is hearing my prayers, and I think He saw our cups were full!) So, Blanca will be responsible for finding our son a group home to move into. He is doing so well at the center, but he is doing so well, they are fearful that if he is not moved, he will regress into some older behaviors. None of us want that for him. Taylor also really wants to go. This is a HUGE deal, as Taylor never wants to go. He gets comfortable and change is so difficult for him. He is so proud of his accomplishments, in which he should be. With that in mind, they don't think, nor do we, that he is ready to be thrust into his environment here at home. With Car being young and throwing fits, and his sensory disorder, we think that will be a HUGE trigger for him to regression. He still has more goals he is wanting to reach, and we want somewhere to do this, that he will be safe and happy in.

Gordy is so knowledgeable and just keeps a great outlook on it. We are doing this to help our son. At times I need his strength, as I know, this is what is best for our son. However, I get really scared. I get really nervous. I get really concerned. I get, as silly as this sounds, really jealous and feel helpless. He is my son, I want to be the one helping him. Yet, he will be in a home in a smaller setting, and the caregiver mom will be making his dinners, and getting to see those big brown eyes each day. I try to clear my thoughts of that, yet, in reality it is really hard.

Today is today, and I am going to make today as good as I can, even when these thoughts make it difficult for me. Today is all I can work on. The important thing in all of this is that my son is safe and that he is building life skills to give him a successful life full of happiness. That is where I am at today.

A date with you today!

2008-07-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

I should be getting ready. I should be curling my hair, getting ready to come pick you up, but first I need to get this done (and a million other things that just need to wait!)

Today is going to be our day! Mom and Taylor day. I will get to the center to pick you up, and off we go, and I won't have to share you with anyone until 5P. Then I have to share you with dad, and Car, and Mim's, but that is okay, I don't mind sharing you with them.

I am excited to see you son. It will be fun. Tomorrow we can go to Brownsville where they have their all city yard sale. I know you always have so much fun there. We can have our annual hamburgers up at the church and I can watch you as you dig through boxes of toys looking for that perfect one. I am sure it will have something to do with transformers or star wars, as usual.

Today we will try to go get your ID for you as I know that was important to you. I will bring the papers with me that dad pulled out.

Okay son, I will get ready now. I just love you so much and am so excited to see you! I have a surprise or two planned. If you are with Jesse and you are reading this, don't pump her for information, as she has no idea.

To the moon and back buddy~ Mama

Had some busy days!

2008-07-17T01:10:00.000-07:00

Tay, it is past 1A, and I can't sleep. Perhaps it is too hot without air conditioning or, maybe I am just missing you an so much that I can't get you off of my mind. Maybe it is a combination of both. Dad and Carlie are both fast asleep and have been for quite a long time. This is when it sometimes is the worst for me. This is when my mind doesn't want to sleep and I just sit and think about how much I miss you.

Last night (Tuesday night) dad took me out to dinner for our anniversary. Amanda watched Carlie for us and it was a very nice time. I had to sit and think for a few moments, and I think out of 8 years of marriage and 3 years of dating, that is only about our 4th time out without you kids. To be honest with you, it was nice. I love your dad so much. Sometimes life just gets so busy we don't have that time to just be Wendy or Gordy, we are either, wife, husband, parent, employee, etc... It was nice to just be sitting across the table from the man that I love. After dinner we picked up the girls and Spence and went out for ice cream at 31 flavors. That was fun too. Carlie is in a purple kick right now, so she got an ice cream that was purple and pink and I thought of you immediately. It was cotton candy ice cream. Wish you would have been there with us.

I had a really bad experience at the grocery store today. I saw a woman screaming and cussing at her child. She was using really big cuss words. I told her to calm down and it escalated from there. The police were called but not before she could leave. However, we did get her license plate. The little girl was probably Carlie's age. It made me sad for her. I just wanted to get home to hug my kids. I got hugs from one of them. I miss your hugs.

Okay, I need to try to get some sleep, but not sure how that will pan out. Just know, we are sleeping under the same stars buddy. To the moon and back! I love you forever. Dad and I are so proud of you.

~Always, Mama

A cry baby miss you day! An I am so proud of you kind of day!

2008-07-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

I miss you today son! That doesn't change from day to day, however, some days are worse than others.

Tomorrow is our anniversary, and I have been going through my mind, time and time again what a precious and special day that was for our family. It wasn't just about dad and I, but it was about all of us coming together as a unit. Man we lucked out when we found dad didn't we.

My mind jumps from moment to moment of that day. You playing basketball in your tux, sis hating to wear her shoes; all of our family together including both mom and dad's siblings and parents, aunties and uncles. I just keep thinking back to when we had lit the unity candle, and the music was playing. It seemed like forever. We looked over at you and you were just crying. My heart just filled with so much love for you. You were so excited to be getting a great dad. You were such a little man, but this really touched your heart, which in return made dad and I both start crying, and sis, and Kim.

Tomorrow we will celebrate our union together. This is a union of man and wife, but also a union of our unconditional love for our children. Wish you were here for me to give a big hug to. We will be seeing you soon, but until then buddy, to the moon and back. I love you to the moon and back~

Mom!

Uncle Bernie also wrote today. I shared with him and Uncle Ryan the incident that happened the other day. He was so proud of you son! You are so lucky to have such neat people in your life that support you in your efforts to be the best person you can be. It made me cry reading Uncle Bernie's words. They love you too son.

2008-07-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

We had a great day with Taylor. He came home on Friday night. However, he didn't want to hang out with mom and dad. (Go figure)! He wanted to go be with his sister, Amanda, and her boyfriend Spencer, and his friends. There was a part of me that wanted to be stingy with the time I had planned for him, but I didn't think that would be fair. So the carne asada and asian chicken salad went without Tay eating it with us. Dad took him to McDonald's on the way... (his favorite). He got a happy meal. Almost 18, still wanting happy meals for the toys. Most of the time, it just makes me smile as I know it is a part of his obsessions due to his autism. His sister also had bought a pizza for them. They watched a movie together. She texted not too terribly long after he got there. He actually had to take his meds before he left, so he was so tired. G left immediately to go pick him up after the text came through. When he picked up Taylor, he asked me to put the sheets on the beds in the tent trailer as he thought Taylor was going to fall asleep.

He got home, and he went into the tent trailer, laid on his bed and he was out within three minutes. It reminds me of him when he was little and he could sleep through everything. Now, he has such a tough time sleeping without the pills.

On Saturday morning, I took him to a couple of garage sales as he loves to go to them. He was out digging through things, and it was like having him home again. I wanted to get him to Walgreen's though as he really wanted some photos to take back to the hospital with him. He ended up taking Carlie to the toy section as he was getting antsy.

We went home and got ready to take him back into Portland. We went to Uyagimias in Beaverton, as he wanted to go. I looked for something small but meaningful to give G for our 8th anniversary which is on Tuesday. I didn't find anything. The store was pretty slow, so that made it nice. It was also cooler in there, as it was 92* yesterday.

We went to an international celebration on the East side of Portland. I was nervous as I can't do crowds. It was nice as it was really slow. I didn't see the diversity there. I saw two food booths, one being kettle corn. I did see some dancers from the islands, but other than that, I only saw one other booth that had anything to do with diversity. UGGGG! Not a great event, but great to be with all my kids at once. Carlie ended up getting a bloody nose from the heat, and really dirty feet if that counts.

As we were driving in Portland, Gordy thought that he saw our friend Alex. Alex was a student at OSU when Gordy worked there. He worked in Gordy's office. He had the most fun personality and he quickly became a part of our family, and would join us for Thanksgiving at our home a couple of times. He has matured into a fine young man now. He used to live in Portland, but, from what we know, he lives in LA now. The kids loved that his number to call him was ---/905-POOP. They always wanted to call him. Anyhow, we then thought perhaps he was in town visiting, but we couldn't catch up. Almost made our day even brighter.

In two weeks we will be back in Portland for the Hawaiian Festival in Vancouver. It will be fun. All in all, it was a great day with Taylor, Amanda and Carlie.

Oh, there was an outburst on the unit the other day. Someone was trying to target him (they do this by trying to get the others to lose their temper, then they get bumped down a level) and called him a very derogatory name for two males that love each other. Taylor did INDEED lose it, and had to leave the unit to cool himself down so he didn't do anything that he would regret. He kept his cool enough, and I am not sure if it was during the outburst, or if it was when he returned after his walk, but... HE STOOD up for gay couples. My son stood up for what he believed in, which is diversity. He said that he had really good friends that love each other and it makes him mad when people call them horrible names.

WAY TO GO BUDDY! You keep doing it! Keep standing up for what you believe in. Words are always better than getting mad, but just know you are more of a person for standing up for your beliefs and dad, sis and I are SOOOOOO proud of you. We know that sometimes it is hard to speak our minds when we know others might make fun of us or try to belittle us, but who cares. They are the small minded people! I know, that you on that day, made some of your counselors sit back and say, Man, Tay is cool, did you see how he handled that?! He stood up for what he believed in. Many adults don't have the capability, so you doing this shows how mature you are and how much you care for your good friends!!!!! FANTASTIC!!! That is why we chose this song today.... Say by John Mayer. Say what you need to say!

If someone that is autistic can do it, so can you!

2nd post for the day, please read the following post below this

2008-07-11T10:10:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to take a few quick moments to touch base with you. Please continue reading the blog for the day below. I am not sure if each of you have noticed, but we have also been adding music to our blog posts for the day. Some songs might be fun, but most have some sort of meaning to us.

I just wanted to thank each of you that keep coming back here. I want to thank you for the kind letters and words of confidence, praise and understanding. We try to teach our kids that their job here on earth is to be kind to others. That is just a given.

The other night my husband came home and told me that he had heard from one of our friends up the street, and also a colleague at his work. He hadn't known about Taylor until recently. It is not something that we just bring up and talk about to everyone. We really don't see this person all too often either, and if my husband did it might have been in a very public setting that he definitely would not bring up. He was so kind and said he would love to go see Taylor if that was okay with us, and things of that nature. Things like that just melt my heart. Part of it is for the pure kindness of someone, and the other being that people see the love we have for our son and when they know him, they really think he is a good kid. Which he is!

I get emails from past students that really aren't students, but a piece of our family. Even though they have been gone for over a year or more, they continue to keep in touch with us and check Tay's blog to see how he is. It touches me beyond what words can say.

I get email from people that don't know us, but want to be supportive. There are days I just don't want to pull myself out of bed, knowing my son isn't at home with us, but I do for the sake of saying I did and to keep Carlie in a happier atmosphere. Sometimes the words of others are what keeps us pressing forward.

Thanks each of you. Again, if you know people that can benefit from our blog, that might have autism, or parent an autistic child, please pass our blog along.

Great quote for the day.

2008-07-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

This is something that Amanda made Taylor on one of our visits. Her famous piece sign . I love it as it reminds me we need to have peaceful hearts.

This is Carlie chasing Taylor riding his riptide at the Parry Center. She loves to chase him. Usually she is riding her scooter chasing him.

I was just checking out a blog browsing, and I saw this fantastic quote that stopped me in my tracks. The blogspot was by Sharla whom I don't even know. I was just browsing as I said.

The quote is: Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

I sit and I ponder this for a moment (or many moments) and see how this can apply to my own life, to our family dimension and to our son's autism. In reality it can be applied to anything in life, including our dreams. Feed our faith. Sharla, I needed that today! I am glad I came across your blog!

Today, I know my son is being carried in the hand of Christ. I know that he is going to be okay. No, I know he is going to be better than okay. He is going to be Fantastic. He is going to shine and be an outstanding citizen in our community. He is going to love and be loved by many (as he already is). He is going to learn the strengths he needs to succeed, he is going to learn the patience of Job, and he is going to learn how to take care of himself if he ever wants to move out on his own. He is going to be okay. We, will be there backing him up the whole way. Always, forever, unconditional love.

Our family will be stronger and more united through the struggles and confusion we go through with learning how to best help our son and his disability. We are going to always be united and always share our love with family and friends, not only when it comes to autism, but about diversity. We will overcome any obstacle, even when it takes the breath and/or life out of our sales for a moment.

Tay is coming home tonight, and once again, it will feel good to have my son sleep in his own bed and wake up knowing he will be bouncing down the stairs at any moment. I am excited to sit and visit with him and see how he is doing. One thing that I notice about myself lately is I like to just sit and watch him with his sisters, Spencer and his dad. I try to capture those moments in mind to help me hang on until our next face to face visit.

For all of our blog followers in surrounding areas Krispy Kreme

2008-07-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

We are having a krispy kreme sale in September and we could really use some help. We have planned out 4-6 different really busy spots here in Salem. We could use some help sitting and holding signs getting traffic into the spaces. This is going to be a huge help in my fund raising efforts to get Tay to Disneyland. If you would be willing to help us, please contact Amanda at bakingawish@yahoo.com. We could also use help with pre orders. If you know anyone that would like to order some of the doughnuts, let us know. It could be people at church, at your job, neighbors, it doesn't matter. Please spread the word. Thank you again.

Hello Tay, my son and forever friend

2008-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Amanda and Spence taken by Taylor

Dad and Car taken by Taylor

Hi Tay,

I am just sitting here thinking about some of the changes that are coming up in your life. I want you to know before I go any further, that Dad, Amanda, Carlie and I are so very proud of you! I am so impressed with the strides that you are making and that you are really trying to put some great living skills into your life.

What I want you to know son, that all of us make mistakes. I want you to know that there are times that dad and I see, that you feel unworthy of things. We feel that you think you don't deserve things that we want to bestow upon you, no matter how little those things are. YOU ARE WORTHY.

I am afraid for you. I am happy to hear that they think that you are doing well enough to leave the hospital in the next month or so. However, I get really nervous for you. I know how hard change is for you. I wonder what personalities will be in the assisted living. I wonder if you are going to feel shunned by us because that is where you are going. I worry that you will fall into some old habits unintentionally and your world will start to get more confusing. I guess that is my place though. A mom always has a right to worry and be concerned, as does a dad. That is where we are at.

We are full of HOPE! We are full of gratitude! We are full of excitement. We feel like you are going to get some vocational training to help you have a more fulfilling future. We know that when you find something that you love, you just succeed, so we hope to see you find that passion with help, so you can build a future on that passion. We feel so blessed that you have had Jessie to help you, and all of the staff at the hospital as they have helped you make so much progress. We are excited to have you more near to us, so we can see you more often, so we are hoping you get to move closer to home. You don't know how much my heart misses you. As a parent, we always have to do what is best for your children though, no matter how much it hurts our hearts.

Dad is excited to pick you up tomorrow. He has plans for us to spend a lot of time together and that is always nice. He said maybe you can even help with the tent trailer so you can sleep in it.

Love Mom

Hello again by Neil Diamond

18 days level 3 according to taylor going for level four

2008-07-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

We talked to Taylors therapist last night, and it seems that he is doing really well learning some skills there. He has been on level three for 2 weeks and three days he said. He is trying to achieve level four here. There is only one other person on the unit that has achieved that. The therapist thinks that he is not ready for level four this week, but I think that Taylor can do it. Level four is where he is able to go to the commons on his own or go outside for specific amounts of time on his own. He is going to keep heading in that direction.

This week I think that we are going to head into Portland. Gordy is going to bring him home on Friday night to spend the night. I can't wait to see him. We will then eat breakfast here and pack a lunch most likely and head into Portland for the day for an International Day at a park. I am in the house all the time now, so it is a must that I get out. Our family loves and strives for diversity, so this will be nice to go to.

I am so proud of Taylor and the strides he is taking. The next step would be the assisted living/ group home setting where he will also be going to school and getting some vocational rehab training. That could happen in as soon as a month. We have a meeting next week with his doctors and some people involved in his medical plan. Exciting but also scary all at the same time.

Not a lot up in Taylor's world. He was upset last night that he had jammed his thumb while playing basketball. He doesn't do well when there is a change in his life, so this next move is a little bit scary for me, not knowing how he will react. The therapist is going to be talking to him more and more about the idea he will be living on his own now (to make it easier for him) and that there will be people his age there. Keep us in prayer. We need that!

I liked this song for the fact of the photo I am posting that Taylor took in December. I think that it is a fun feel good song! He loves to go to the water box with Spencer and his friends.

My best way to understand the confusion

2008-07-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

This is a photo Taylor took in December. I am not sure who is in the photo, but it was Spencer and his friends at the water box for wake skating?! Not sure that I am using the correct wording.

For a change, I want to post some pictures that Taylor took on his camera that he got for Christmas. These will be things he thinks are important. I will put his name in the bottom corners of the photos so you will know. TT

One of my first jobs was when I moved to Alaska, and I worked at a KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken. I was a hard worker. I didn't complain a lot, did all of the jobs put forth to me in the best way that I was able to. I worked overtime hours ever chance that I got. I remember when my boss pulled me in the back after only 3 days and told me he was giving me a raise as he didn't realize I was such a strong worker.

I enjoyed my job as much as you can, flinging chicken, making biscuits, gravy and coleslaw. However, there was one part that I would always surely dread. When people would start ordering buckets of chicken. There were different sizes of buckets... 12 piece, 16 piece, 20 piece, so on and so forth. With that in mind, I could not for the life of me, for a really long time, understand which pieces of chicken went in which bucket. It would be so easy if they would just say, 4 wing, 4 leg, 4 thigh, 4 rib and 4 breast.... BUT Noooooooooooooooo, they would say something like 6wings, 5 legs, 5 thigh, 2 rib and 2 breasts. It was so odd, I couldn't wrap my head around it at all. It, to be honest was really frustrating. Why not just make buckets in increments of 5 and give them one of each per size of bucket.

I guess, this is my closest analogy of autism. It just doesn't make sense. No matter how hard my son, or others with this disability are trying, they just sometimes can't wrap their brain around it. Things that seem so logical are not put into play. I was just sitting here thinking about this and thought, man, I kind of remember that frustration.

For those that are requesting about donating

2008-07-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

2008-07-07T05:55:00.001-07:00

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

2008-07-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

I joined a recipe exchange here

http://nowthatswhatscooking.blogspot.com/

I received this recipe in the mail and tried it for a 4th of July picnic. It was wonderful. It does not show me who the recipe was from as of yet, but I should know by tonight maybe.

I have had this salad before and it is WONDERFUL. The salt from the pretzels and the sweet from everything else make a nice combination for the food lovers in all of us. I would, as well as everyone at their picnic, would give this two thumbs up. I had no left overs to snack on during the weekend. This recipe is easy to make and is something that is very quick also, so you don't have to spend too much time in the kitchen. I wish I would have gotten a photo of it before it was being consumed but people were too quick for me to catch that. I will be making it again in a couple of weeks and will try then.

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

2 cups crushed pretzels

3 tbsp. sugar

3/4 cup melted butter

9 oz. cool whip

8 oz. cream cheese

1 cup sugar

2 cups boiling water

6 oz. strawberry jello

20 oz. frozen, unsweetened strawberries

(side note, I also made this with raspberry jello before with half frozen raspberries and frozen strawberries and it was SO good also, so it is okay to experiment! I have a friend that she tried it with lime jello and frozen strawberries and it tasted like a strawberry margarita, but I find that hard to believe and it wouldn't look pretty either!)

Directions

Mix the pretzels, 2 tbsp. of sugar, and 3/4 cup of butter together and press into the bottom of a 9x13 inch pan. Bake at 400 degrees farenheit for 8 minutes. Let cool.

Combine the 8 oz cream cheese, 9 oz. cool whip, and 1 cup of sugar and mix well. Spread on the cooled pretzel crust.

Mix the jello and 2 cups boiling water together, then add the strawberries (do not thaw the strawberries beforehand!) Stir until the berries soften and the jello starts to thicken. Gently pour the jello mixtute on top of the cream cheese. Refrigerate.

Serves 16.

The day after is hard

2008-07-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

Waking up and realizing in that morning haze, that Taylor is not here, it is hard. I had such a nice visit with him getting to come home. Now we wait, we wait to see him again. It leaves an emptiness in me.

When Taylor left, he hugged me. He now towers over me and I am having to reach up to hug him. His body goes a bit limp as he is leaning on me and it is that feeling of being defeated again. Gosh, I hope that he doesn't feel defeat as that is not why he is at the hospital. We are trying all in our power to give him the proper tools to get along in life in a productive and not have self hatred for something that he has no control over. I just hugged him, and didn't want to let go. It hurt so much. He is my guy!

I called to speak to him at just a little bit before 7 p last night and he was already in bed sleeping. I needed to see how he was coping with the having to go back stage of the visit. It seems like it did not effect him as it has affected me. A good thing.

So, now we will wait until our next visit. I just miss him. He seemed to understand better some things such as personal space. That is a huge thing for him. He didn't yell at anyone. The noises of the fireworks seemed to get on his nerves and there were a couple of times he had to remove himself and did a great job of recognizing that fact. I had to do the same thing, as it got to be too much at times. Too many people and too much noise, and somewhat unorganized from years past.

So buddy, I will see you soon. I miss you so, but you are in my heart Mister! To the moon and back buddy!

Good Bye Buddy... it was a good time!

2008-07-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

A picture of You, Carlie and Dad as you were getting ready to go back to the Parry House.

The dreaded wave that is an indication that I won't see you until next week! Bye Buddy. I L Y!
Be Strong!

Tay, I am sorry I cried when you left today. It wasn't supposed to happen like that. I hope I did not hurt your feelings. It just makes me sad that I have to wait a week to see you again. I had such a good time with you. This has been the first time you have called me mama in such a long time. I feel like there are some parts of my son I am beginning to recognize from time to time. I will try to become stronger so I don't cry when you have to leave.

I love you buddy. I have some things to go read and I need to lay down due to my migraine. I hope you have the best day. See you soon. It was fun to see you visiting all the neighbors too.

Smiles everyone, smiles!

2008-07-04T23:30:00.001-07:00

This is what I want to remember today by Taylor! I love you and I am so glad that you were able to come and spend the day with us here at home for the 4th. You did such a great job today. I am so proud of you. I know things were getting tough a few times and you were really trying hard to maintain. You did good son. I can't wait until I will get to see you again and your next home visit. You are in bed now, sleeping. Tomorrow is going to be so hard to take you back.

Welcome Home For The 4th Of July Buddy!

2008-07-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

The flags are lining the street in front of our house. Carlie and I are just waiting for you and dad to get home. I am catching up with an old friend and cooking, and trying not to be so anxious, but I just can't help it!
This will always be home Tay! I hope you are as anxious as we are for you to get home. Today is your second favorite holiday, besides my birthday as you love trick or treat candy even better. Maybe this is the year that will change though, who knows. Just know I love you so much son.

Would I lead the same path of life again to get here?

2008-07-03T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have had much on my mind, and much on my plate in the past couple year and a half or so. I start going over things in my mind over and over again, thinking, what could I have changed to have been a better person, a better mom? Would I choose that road again? Would I do it all over again? Am I satisfied where I am at? Did I learn the lessons that needed to be learned?

My answers often times confuse me. If there were easier roads, then wouldn't I just naturally want to take that road? I wish that I were the type of person that could say yes... that would be so much less stressful, let me take the easy way out next time.

Yet, I am not that person. I am the person that often times would and will take the harder road even to this day if there is a lesson or a moral behind it that I can not only learn, but hopefully pass onto others that might need that in the future.

I then look at Taylor and I think, what about him? He doesn't really understand things that we do, so I do want the road that is easier for him. I want to mother him and tell people to leave him alone and I want to put the pieces together for him. I know, however, with all the wisdom of being his mom and his number one fan, that I would surely fail my son if that was the way it were to be. I can't learn his lessons for him (damn it as I would it a minute if I could).

You hold these babies in your arms and you see them for the first time, and they take your breath away. They are the greatest gift that we will ever have in our lives. They are these little bundle of hopes and dreams and pure love. Raw love, that you will do anything to protect. My friends often called me mama bear when there were issues, and the kids tried to handle them on their own when it was with a teacher or people of that nature that wouldn't listen to them or push their feelings to the side, the mama bear in me would come out. I hope it was in a good way, and not a negative way. We as parents sometimes forget that we need to advocate for our children. We need to realize that their voices will sometimes go unheard unless we are there to make it heard. Just simply calling a meeting and making sure you are there to sit next to them, somehow makes people stop and listen.

The only regrets I feel in life that one might have or want to change in life, is making sure we right our wrongs. If we mess up in life, it is a heavy burden to carry on our backs. I think that when we learn that things were done improperly, we as adults, as caring people need to say whoa, I really messed up. I most likely caused you some grief and some sort of turmoil in your life and I want to make that right. I for one, am going to be one that I hope gets my apologies done before I am on my way to check out.

Tay, I will always be the mom I think that you deserve. I will always be your biggest fan. I will always speak the words I think you are trying to say when you can't say them. If I ever get that wrong, you WON'T HURT MY FEELINGS to correct me. I will always be here for you, in good times, and not so fun times. I will be here in times that I miss you like there is no tomorrow, and on the days where you laugh your butt off and aren't really sure why. I will listen to your stories about pokemon and dragster cars and hot rods. I will listen to how you love roller coasters. I will tell you that favorite story one more time (as many times as you like) how I went over the rainbow to get a pot of gold and the leprechauns gave me a choice of a pot of gold or you, and I went home with you. I will tell you the story time and time again how I hid pickled herring in Uncle Troy's salad at Uncle Jared's wedding and when he bit into it he started swearing (good times!) ! I will listen to you tell me how you think Uncle Troy is so cool when he tells you to stop running in and out of the house because he isn't raising monkeys from the zoo. It's all good buddy. We will get through this together and there is going to be no regrets, just great life lessons. Isn't that what we really grow from, life lessons?

To the moon and back, only 16 hours left to see you Mister! Can't wait. Mama is going to be a cooking fool today and tomorrow morning when you get here I can just spend time with you with no worries or anything to take me away from our time. I am sure you are excited to get home too. It has been a long time, but you have worked so hard for this. I am so proud of you son.

Oh, and dad said you can put up the tent trailer tomorrow night to sleep in and you boys can sleep out there, or all of us, whatever you want.
Always your mama~

Autism Tip of the Day: Many children or people that have autism, which is a disability, may have a dual diagnosis of other things that are going on also. Our son for example has ODD which is called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. As per mayo clinic . com, this is their definition of this mental health condition. Taylor doesn't do this to be bad, just the way, once again that he is built and wired, so to speak.

Even the best-behaved children can be difficult and challenging at times. Teens are often moody and argumentative. But if your child or teen has a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and angry or disruptive behaviors toward you and other authority figures, he or she may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). As many as one in 10 children may have oppositional defiant disorder in a lifetime.

Treatment of oppositional defiant disorder involves therapy and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions. As a parent, you don't have to go it alone in trying to manage a child with oppositional defiant disorder. Doctors, counselors and child development experts can help you learn specific strategies to address oppositional defiant disorder.

Tay, the countdown is on Buddy

2008-07-03T00:59:00.000-07:00

Tay, just up writing to an old friend, and I started to go lay down. I remembered that I had talked to Jessie today. You are super lucky you have such cool people that work with you Mister! Anyhow, we talked about this blog that sis and I have for you.

You know, I know that there are issues of you feeling not connected to your family when you are there. I get that! I can totally see your point. I don't like feeling disconnected either. So, with that being said, I told Jessie about your blog, so that when you have sessions with her, you can totally see that we write something EACH and EVERY DAY! You are never far from my mind buddy! More importantly, you are so much a part of my heart. I miss you so much every day. I miss your smile.

Remember, today, forever, to the moon and back!

If you ever feel lonely and Jessie is available, you can go ahead and read my journaling. The reading is great for you and then you can see the photos and see your sisters that are crazy about you.

I love you son, but I am so tired right now. I will close this. Remember no matter where we are, ever, we will always walk under the same moon and the same sun. We will always be connected by the heart.

I also talked to Aunt Cackie tonight. She says hi. Did I forget to tell you that her baby is going to be a GIRL! Girl, boy, girl, just like us.

Night. If you need me, call me! If not, I will talk to you tomorrow night.

Guess who is Phoenix of the week?

2008-07-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

My son; obviously. Each week the staff at the Parry Center, that work in his unit, Phoenix, choose one patient of the week. This week, they chose Taylor and he is so very proud of himself. We are thrilled. What might you ask, will be his reward for this? He gets to pick out the movies each night this week to watch, and he gets $3.00 to spend anywhere. He is beyond thrilled. I get excited to see him excited at little things. Now, the really big stuff.... only about 39 hours left until I get to hug him and tell him how proud I am of him. I told him on the phone... but I will be able to hug him and look at those big brown eyes. I am so excited!

In This Life

2008-07-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

This song sums it up for the way I feel for not only my wonderful and handsome son, but my devoted husband, and my two beautiful daughters. This song is sung by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

What is the Greatness that we teach our children?

2008-07-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

My kids on Christmas morning at our house
in January when Tay came home from the
hospital. We held Christmas to enjoy it together.

Too many gifts to fit under the tree! The lined
the hall going into the kitchen.

I have always been a firm believer in several things in teaching my children. I expect greatness from them. It is plain, it is simple, and it is a bit old school if you may, similar to the golden rule, yet, I feel that I am much more liberal that most that I see.

I have seen students in college and in high school since I have always tried to volunteer at the schools, that just fall apart when they feel they have let their parents down with a grade less than an A. It has always baffled me to some extent. This isn't like they were sad, but that they were distraught, and giving up on themselves for fear of what their parents would think of them. Gosh, what a heavy load to carry! How sad.

Don't get me wrong. We all get disappointed in ourselves for in one way or another, for fear of disappointing others. Sometimes however it is from the guilt that those people place on us. I don't want to be the mom, friend, wife, person that makes people feel guilty. Have I done it before? Made people feel guilty, you bet! I don't want to be that person though. It doesn't seem healthy.

I guess a lot of this has to do with my love for my son and seeing the struggles he has to feel somewhat normal. He is trying his hardest to function, yet, it will never be up to some peoples standards. To me, it seems like these are the people with a real problem. How did it become the problem of the person with the disability? It makes no sense.

I am to the point, and have been for a very long time... if you try your hardest and get an F, then that F is fantastic. HOWEVER, if you get an F as you weren't following up on your homework, or applying yourself to the best of your ability, then I will make sure that you do apply yourself. Sis had a really hard time with Spanish Class, so we paid for a tutor to come and help her to enable her to apply herself more efficiently. She has made it clear that she didn't apply herself all the time in school as it was more of a social scene for her. (Do I dare tell her that it was the same for me? She already knows. ) Yet, the last semester of school she took classes at the college and really applied herself and did so well.

I remember when Tay was a little guy. When we would ask him what he would like to do when he grew up, his biggest dream was to work at McDonald's. When you asked him why, it is because he wanted free fries with his meal. We would chuckle at him. Now I sit back and I think to myself... do I want my kids to live out my dreams or their own dreams. Do the people that work at fast food chains need to be treated differently than the rest of us with career in different industries or in professional settings? Certainly not. They are no different. In fact, they most likely are working harder than many of us.

I remember being a waitress, which I did for most of my life at different restaurants and clubs. I remember always feeling down about myself. I remember not feeling like I was as good as others because I didn't have that college education and job doing something really *IMPORTANT*. The fact of the matter being, I was doing something important. I was a mother to two little ones and I was feeding them without child support. I was making sure they had food and nice clothes and heat to stay warm in the winter. I was making sure they weren't yet another statistic of mommy sitting at home on welfare. (Welfare is good if people need it in extreme emergency cases, but to be on it or abuse it, not for me, and I feel it is abused.) I made sure if my babies were sick, I had medicine to make them well. That is hard when you look at all the bills attached to keeping up a home, and having two children to feed and clothe on my own, yet I did it. I was important. I was teaching them. I also volunteered at the school twice a week (once in each of their classes), was involved in the church, and would like to volunteer to help feed homeless on the holidays, and make sack lunches to give to the homeless downtown.

Is our greatness defined by the jobs that we hold or is it defined by who we are as a person and what we do to show those around us that they are important? It is important to teach our children to apologize when they are wrong. Apologies left unsaid can really eat at a person. Apologies help achieve greatness. Showing people how much they are loved is also greatness. Not only is it something that helps them with confidence as a person, and feeling secure in being loved, but it makes your heart grow.

My lesson to my kids:
Nobody can take your faith or your knowledge away from you.
Family is family forever. No IF LOVES, BECAUSE LOVES... only anyhow love. (Mrs. Gage in the third grade taught me that lesson when she was substituting for my teacher, Mrs. Lang)
Try your hardest at all you do, if you fail, no big deal, small beans, you won't fail yourself when you gave it your all...
Give of yourself, you will receive back in ten fold. That isn't monetary for purpose, but, watching the joy of others will give to your heart ten fold....
If I leave this earth before they do (and it better happen that way) it won't be good bye, it will be I am getting a home ready for them for our forever life in Heaven, and that each of them is EVERYTHING to me, along with my husband.
Apologies are not just for the person that deserves the apology, it also cleanses our soul and makes us not feel so bad. Don't pass up a chance to apologize as you may never get that chance later in life and it will linger with you.
Help who you can, and direct those that you aren't able to, to someone that can help them....

Our two main jobs in life:

Be good to each other and those around us. That is our job!

Make the most beautiful relationships here on earth while we have the chance as when it is time to go, we don't want things being left unsaid.

With this, have my children achieved greatness. WITHOUT A DOUBT!

Gordy, Amanda, Taylor, and Carlie, you have achieved greatness. I am so proud of each of you. I am sOOOOOO blessed that each of you is in my life.

Dear Bubby, from Carlie

2008-07-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

Me dancing for mommy last week.

Me doing hula at the concert on Saturday

Dear Bubby,

Hurry up and come home to visit me. I am missing you very much. I ask mom and dad about you every single day and we talk about you. You are a really good brother and I really, really love you lots. If you were here, I would give you a big face hug. I can't wait to play with you for the 4th of July. We are going to have so much fun. I pray for you every night. Love you~ Carlie PS I made mom buy us some capri suns, popsicles and fruit snacks for when you come visit. It is going to be so fun, just like before you went to the hospital and we shared treats.

Mom and dad put my little pool up in the back
corner of the yard where they are going to put the
garden next year. I want it on the grass but they say
it will kill the grass...

This is where I was out playing on the
playground in the back yard and the
sprinkle got me wet. I was so mad. This
is after the fit I threw.

Sometimes there are just angels amoung us....

2008-07-01T17:40:00.000-07:00

Even when we don't realize it, God works in our lives in such wonderful and enriching ways. Today I had a very nice young lady come to my home to pick up a baby item that sis was selling to earn money for Tay's vacation. When she pulled up, it was like a breath of fresh air. Diversity! Since my depression and having to take a break from work, I have not been able to focus as much on all of the really important things in my life. I so love the diversity part of my life and what we teach our kids. There are not too many people in our area that are not caucasion. Not that being caucasion is all that bad, mind you... but I just strive for difference and long for striving to piece us all together as humans. I feel segregated at times when there isn't the diversity in my life and that is the last thing that I want.

Here stands this sweet, nice, and very sincere young lady that just had it all together. I was busy getting things done around the house and looked a mess.... and she didn't bat an eye. We talked about our kids and our husbands and our jobs, and religion. Imagine this all in a 10 minute time frame, well... okay maybe 15 minutes. It just touched my heart so.

I really believe God put her in my life today to lift my spirits and I am thankful for that. She even put an extra $15 towards Taylor's vacation fund. That touches me so....

Megan, if you keep up with my blogging, please know you touched my heart.

Do we ever throw ourselves away?

2008-07-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

I think that with life, it is so easy to simply throw ourselves away. I think that it is easy to set expectations that are too high for ourselves and when we don't reach those expectations, we throw away our feelings and desires as if we are a piece of trash or a piece of garbage. I feel like we need to take to heart that WE ARE WORTH IT, just because.

This really doesn't have anything to do with me, but in reality it has to do with all of us. I believe that at times we just lose ourselves. I feel like the outside world puts little labels to us, just as I label my blogs... and we take those labels to heart. We try to pretend that they don't hurt our feelings but we know, deep down it does.

I think of my kids in these situations. We want to protect them from all of that, and especially when they are disabled. I feel that Taylor has just lost faith in himself at times. I feel that with all of the kids and I try to always teach them they can do what they put their minds to. I guess with autism, it is hard to connect the pieces anyway, so does he really understand what I am saying?

I want to lead by example for my kids. I am going to try to not worry about what others think of me. I will make all of my dreams come true. Most of them have, just by having them in my life. Yet, there are always dreams we have for ourselves.

I will not let others let me throw myself away, and I will not let others accomplish that by letting my kids feel like they are thrown away.

Let there be sushi, and 4 wonderful hours!

2008-06-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

For the first time since April 24th, yesterday, we were able to take you off hospital grounds. I am so proud of you for being able to be on a high level so long that they let us whisk you away for FOUR GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL hours. I had a great time with you, as well as Big sis, Little sis, Spence and Dad. It means so much to all of us, but it just touches my heart so to see how it means something different to each of us. For me, I feel more complete when my family is all together, as odd as that might sound. When you aren't around, and Mandie isn't living at home due to her having her own house now, it just feels so incomplete at times. But yesterday, we weren't in the room just talking on the couches.... we weren't in your room visiting on your bed. Although I love to go to your garden and see what you are accomplishing with it, and I love going to the gym and watching you high tide and seeing you shoot hoops while Little sis plays hop scotch with Mandie, dad shoots hoops and Spence takes pictures.... yesterday we got to walk on the city streets. We got to go on elevators and escalators and go into stores. You got to help put Carlie in her car seat, and you got lots of hugs from her when we were driving. You got to spend time with Spence and Mandie by yourself. It was so exciting son!

We took you to Todai just like you wanted and this photo makes me smile. There is my Taylor on his third plate of food. You were slowing down on the sushi, but there you have your desserts. Of all the desserts you could have, there you are with green jello. You always have loved jello, and especially that of the green color. Here, you were being a nice brother and letting Carlie have some from your plate. That doesn't surprise me as you always are so good to her and try to take care of her so much.
I am sorry I had to tell you that Grandma Dodie passed away. I know that death affects you even more than it does most people. I would have liked to skip that part of the day all together, but we don't feel like we should lie to you or keep things from you. It is going to be ok.

I am excited that they have said that if you stay at a high level you can come home for a full 24 hours son! Not 4.... 24. I feel now, like I am being stingy. I am feeling like I am getting so spoiled. I keep going over in my mind who will be here. I am thinking of your favorites, what should I make him to eat. What should we do.... I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited.

Just keep on keepin on buddy and do it with a smile whenever you can. Just know you are so loved. I wish you knew all that was going on in our lives, wanting to help you. I am not amazed at how much your sisters love you really, but more, I am amazed at how much they will do to make that so clear. Car is so little but Mandie is going above and beyond.

Taylor gets an outing!

2008-06-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today, Taylor gets an outing from the hospital. I am so excited. Some of the excitement is knowing that I get to just see him for the day, but the majority of the excitement is knowing how excited he is at the fact that he gets to leave his unit. There are also some fears that I am having. I am afraid I might say something that will set him off of course. I don't want that. I am afraid of him being around too many people might also set him off of course. However, those thoughts are just in the back of my head. Most of me feels nothing but pure excitement.

We had a benefit yard sale over the weekend. We ended up making a little bit over three hundred dollars, so that is very exciting. We also saved some of the things that didn't sell and we are going to try to sell them on Craigs list, so our earnings might end up at $400. I hope it will be good with the craig's listings.

We went to a Hawaiian concert at World Beat last night which was fun. It was still warm when we went there at about 7, but by the time we left there was a small breeze that felt so nice. I was excited to do something with the family. I did however have some anxiety issues going, and then with Taylor not being there, and being excluded from a family event, it was hard for me also. It seems like times like so are the hardest things to handle at the time.

Back to Taylor getting out for the day. A couple of weeks ago when we discussed him being able to leave in the future, he said, perhaps he would want to go bowling. Then the subject of swimming came up and he was excited for that. Now, he has instead chosen to go to Todai which is a Japanese restaurant in a mall in Portland. That is one of his favorite places to eat (besides McDonald's of course.) It is a little spendy, however, we were so glad he was able to communicate this all on his own.... That it really did not matter how much it cost. Him being able to communicate it was so impressive. He usually says, wherever you want to go, and leaves it like that, so his need is never met as he wasn't able to communicate it properly.

Amanda and Spencer will be making the trip with us. He will be so excited to see them both, so that also is exciting. I don't think that he is aware that they will be there. I am excited to see what today holds for us.

They said that there is a possibility that he might also be able to come home on the 4th of July for a home visit, so I am anxious for that also. Our block has a huge party and we all bring our own meat to bbq, their own beverage and their own plates etc.... Then each person also brings a dish of sort to share. Each family brings some fireworks so when it gets dark, we let them off. I guess it has been a tradition for years here. Last year was our first year to take part since it was our first year here, but Taylor, especially loved it.

Off to get ready to go see Taylor, Amanda and Spencer.

Today starts a benefit yardsale for Taylor's Trip

2008-06-27T05:06:00.000-07:00

Today, at 9:00 am, a yard sale will be in progress trying to earn money for Taylor to go to Disneyland. I love the thought of getting more money for us to get him there. I however don't like the idea of sitting in the hot sun all day having people wanting to barter prices on items. That is alright if that is what it takes to get Taylor to Disneyland like he wants.

It makes me miss him to tell you the truth. He loves, loves, loves going to yard sales. He is always searching for things and digging through boxes. He is so funny when it comes along.

We have been told that he is having some great days at the hospital and that is such a good feeling. We know, however, it is going to make it twice as hard for him to leave and go onto the next phase.

When people go above and beyond what is expected....

2008-06-25T22:01:00.000-07:00

So, many people don't understand about autism, especially if they have not lived around it their whole life. There are some people that when they hear that Taylor is autistic or has Asperger's Syndrome, they shun away, as they are afraid that they will say something wrong, or that they may have to witness something that is not comfortable. Some people just don't want to try to understand.

My daughter, Amanda, has been dating a young man named Spencer. They have dated for about a year or so. I think that Amanda had probably told him about her brother's needs, but I don't think that he really understood until he started to spend time at our family functions.

So, let's back up. When Taylor get frustrated and runs, or has a melt down.... life stops in our family. It can be for 5 minutes, it can be for 48 hours if Taylor runs and is gone for a couple of days. Immediately one of us calls the police to report a run away and one of us jumps in a car and start the long and grueling search for our son. It is horrifying. It is sad.... at the moment, all you are going on is total adrenaline and it just keeps you going, searching, and wanting to find our son.

Somewhere along the way, Taylor started to listen to his sister much more than he would listen to us. So, the call would always go to her also. Bless his heart, Spencer has dropped things again and again. It is odd to watch or think about. If Taylor sees our car or van, he will run harder, faster, further. If he sees Spence's jeep, he stops like a lost puppy dog and they open the door and he crawls in. Most guys would run from this... most guys would shun this. Spencer steps up to the plate and wants to mentor him. He wants to make a difference. He wants to understand.

Now, most guys would run from this.... especially when they are 23 years old and has a lot filling his life. Spencer has had his feelings hurt over Taylor's actions and behaviors because I don't think that he understood the magnitude of the disability. However, he has sat in hospital waiting rooms, emergency rooms, and has been up til wee hours of the morning staking out parking lots and combing the streets looking for Taylor when there has been another melt down.

This speaks volumes on someones ability to think outside the box. It speaks about the feelings in their heart.

Cheers to Spencer. I know that Taylor loves to hear from him and his sister when he is in the hospital. Sometimes words can't express the thankfulness in the heart. Thank you Spencer, from Taylor, and Taylor's mom and dad....

Autism Tip of the Day: The IAN project to learn and you can give info to help with autism research.

This Child of Mine By Sally Meyer

2008-06-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

This Child of Mine....

This little child of mine
who is he?
where did he come from
and why is he mine?

I often sit and wonder
at the closing of the day
who trusted me
with this little one
who sent him here to stay?

This little child
who breaks my heart
yet fills it with such joy
what great thing have I done
to have this little boy?

When my tears run freely
joy and sadness mingled
what a mixture,
a blending of such emotion
who gave me this little child
and why am I so blessed?

I pray at night for answers
and call out in the dark
Thank you for this little child
whoever he may be,
he came from some unknown star
to bless and comfort me.

Autism is not the end of the World. . . . just
the beginning of a new one.

copyright. 1999. Sally Meyer

I found this wonderful poem on the net by Sally Meyer and it is so true. Through the heartache there is so much love for my son, knowing his trials and tribulations, and the rough, rocky, bumpy road ahead. There is also so much hope and so much admiration for my son.

Today, I was sitting here missing both of the men in my life. My son in the hospital and my husband is in California visiting with his family with our baby. It just lets my mind drift back to when they first met. Taylor liked Gordy so much and called him Gordman. He would rush home from Kindergarten and want to immediately call him. He wanted that connection as a young boy. He had my dad, and my brothers in his life, but he wanted someone to himself and he found that in Gordy.

I remember a night when my daycare closed. I was a single parent, and to find a daycare open at night to work my job, it was tough. Gordy would take the kids to his dorm room at the college and watch them for me. He would take them to the dining hall and they would think that was so cool (for Pete's sake, it was cafe food.... not a gourmet meal)... but to them... it was everything. He would take them to Jack in the Box. They were spoiled from day one with him as they got so much attention from not only him, but his students. After working and coming to pick them up, I expected to find Gordy in bed sleeping. There he was in his recliner. He had been crying, and I knew it was going to be that moment when he broke up with me.... why else would he be so sad? I asked what was wrong, and prepared myself. I know I started crying too, as I really was falling in love with this man. He looked at me and said, your kids asked me to be their dad tonight. My heart sank.... not only was this going to scare him off, it was going to break their little hearts. UGGGGGG! Oh crud here it comes. His mouth was opening and I started to feel sick to my stomach. *How do I deserve their love?* Those are the words that came from his mouth? He didn't believe in himself as a person that the kids would love. How could they NOT love him? I am amazed at the love that the kids have grown and built with Gordy. Different loves... they love him for reasons and me for totally other reasons.

I get this ping in my heart when I think of their relationships. I think that there are times that we all forget that he isn't biologically their dad. Seeing him go to the schools to advocate for Taylor. Seeing him look for things that they really like and are interested in. You can see his protective side when they are hurt or confused.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed! Carlie adds so much to that element also, so with that, we are blessed to be a family unit. Even in really cruddy and confusing times, we are a unit, we are united and we are one.

Update on Disneyland Fund For Taylor's Wish

2008-06-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

Many thanks for all who have helped. I appreciate it.

Coutries visiting our site.

2008-06-23T22:28:00.001-07:00

It is fun telling Taylor which countries have visited a site all about him and educating people on Autism. Thus far these are the countries.

Jamaica
Hungary
South Africa
United States
Brazil
Spain
Canada
Philippines
United Kingdom
Singapore
Malaysia
France
Japan
Mexico
Norway
German
Switzerland
Austrailia
Denmark
Taiwan
Saudi Arabia
Bermuda
New Zealand
Belguim
Columbia
Ireland

Do you remember when?.......

2008-06-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Uncle Bernie was at Auntie Terrie's going away party and he was trying to get Aki to do the Snuffalupikis Dance, and your mom caught it on Camera? Just to help Aki out here a bit....

Who Loves Ya Baby?

2008-06-23T21:20:00.001-07:00

Here is your Salem Family that loves you Taylor. We are all sending you our love.

Out of the mouth of babes,and nursing infants You have ordained STRENGTH, Psalm 8:2
Just reading this out of Auntie Terri's book she gave us. It made me think of you... stay strong you have strength, and when you feel weak, God is with you, and your parents and family are here to help you pick up the pieces.

Taylor, yesterday was Auntie Terri's going away party. It was a very sad day in my world. I was sitting there cooking food, (and you know Mama likes to cook to entertain) and I just kept thinking how sad I was that I won't get to see Auntie Terri too much anymore. It made me get stressed out a bit, so I kept cooking. I then just started to have short bouts of sobs that would just escape from me, without even really knowing it until I could hear the sound. Dad came down and asked what was wrong, but no words would come out, just more tears. I was so sad, as I knew I would be seeing Auntie Terrie, Uncle Bernie and Uncle Ryan. I knew Spence and sis were coming over, and there was one person missing from our Salem Family, and that was you. That is really hard for me.

I am glad you were able to talk to everyone on the phone while they were here. Auntie Terrie and Carlie had made some really cute little figures and painted them. They put a face in each to represent our family. It was such a kind gift and very thoughtful. She also gave us some photos and some of them are of you from her two visits to see you. She also gave our family this book called Blessed Beginnings. It talks about how every child is a gift and from God. It was so heart touching. I knew that but it is so enlightening to read the words again so they can really touch my heart.

Uncle Bernie and Uncle Ryan were the life of the party. They were teasing Aki. I think you would remember him from their apartment when they helped them move. He is a nice young man, but not from Willamette. They were poking fun of him, and he was laughing. A few stories came up about you and sis when you were staying there with them when we had Carlie, and Uncle Ryan crawled onto the dryer to scare you kids. We all laughed as you loved it so much.

Uncle Bernie wrote today and said how good it was to talk to you on the phone yesterday. We gave them the cow from the Parry House like you wanted us to. We gave Auntie Terrie one also like you said. I however, didn't get the chance to write to her for you like you asked. You were so vague.... when you say write everything nice that you can for me because she is so nice, I sit and start and get all teary and have to stop. So, I promise, before she leaves on Saturday, I will totally sit and write her everything nice for you.

Son I love you, and I hope that there will be a day, we can sit and read this blog together and I hope that there is a day you will understand the depths of our love. Dad said that you sounded really good on the phone yesterday and you were even kidding around and joking. That is so good. I want your heart to be happy and content son. If you never understand the depths of our love, the the way we view love, that is okay, for I love you, just the way you were made son.

Forever your mom~ I love you to the moon and back...

Visiting Taylor

2008-06-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength. Maya Angelou

We went to visit Taylor and have a meeting on Friday and here are a few photos that I got while on the visit. It was a great visit. I was really impressed by the carving in this one particular piece of cement when we were there. There are dedications throughout the site, and this is one I came upon. Jesus Christ's Love. It will see us through. I really needed to see that, that day and for the past couple year, as this all feels like such a punishment, such a sacrifice to our family!

For some time now, about 10 or 12 years, I love to get photos of people from behind. Unposed! This is such a fun photo. Taylor was taking Carlie to get a drink of water after playing on the play ground. It was hot out and he was being thoughtful. This is them leaving the equipment on the playground.

This is the kids on the slide. Usually she is content going on her own, but this was a larger slide and she wasn't too sure about it, so Taylor took her down a few times. They both enjoyed it. They do have a nice play ground there for a unit of much younger kids. This site also used to be an orphanage a long time ago, so there are many building and it is a beautiful setting.

Autism Tip of the Day! Since they don't process the same as we do, it is best to say what you mean. For instance, if the person with autism or Asperger's is running, and you don't want them to run, many times you can't say "Don't Run", all they hear at times is run. You need to say walk, walk, walk. They will then process it more easily and their behavior will change more quickly.

Christ, I give you my son

2008-06-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

I have sat here today in such a rush. I just feel antsy, and jittery. I am a mother with a broken heart for her son. I am a mother who is worried for my son. I am a mother who has had to take control to make sure that my son's disability is something that is no longer missed by specialists or doctors, or teachers or anyone. Sometimes I don't like myself too much when I have to take control as much, as I know the thoughts running through other's heads... that I am a *B* ! I will gladly wear the name if that is what it takes to get him the help, but it is still not too fun when you know what kind of person you really are.

I saw Taylor smile twice yesterday. Not the fake ones he does to get his picture taken, but the kind that you see the light in his eyes. It touches my heart so much to see that light.

I know biblically people have had to sacrifice their child as you asked them to. What a hard task. I don't know if I am there yet God. I can't lie as you are always aware of what is really in my heart. I could not take my son to the alter and walk away knowing he was going to die.

What I can do is put every ounce of faith that anyone can have in you, Christ. I know you are going to help my son. It might be through doctors really getting some great medications for Taylor. It might be by finding Taylor a great residential living. It might be you healing him. It might be giving him enough social and living skills he could remain at home. It could be Taylor making some friends his own age that are great influences. God I don't know your plan, but I trust it. I trust you. I trust the path that not only will you be taking Taylor on, but my whole family.

May your grace live through me somehow. God, let us reach as many people as we can and educate on autism and people with special needs. Often they are forgotten, and then they feel broken or thrown away.

Bless Amanda on her goals to get the vacation planned. Let people open their hearts and hear the love she has for her brother, so they order baked goods from her. I know once again you have a plan. She gets discouraged. She feels like she needs to do this. Let her know how special she is God.

Bless our family. Keep our unit whole and safe during this time of sadness and heart ache. Help me overcome my depression and health issues at hand. Help me sleep and feel rested.

Tonight, touch my son, and let him know he is in my heart today, and always! I will not leave his side no matter how many miles separate us.

More in depth on my group therapy for Autism

2008-06-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, not sure what to write more about it. The group actually exists now, of 10 families including mine. That is about as large as it can get due to the space that there is (which is actually large for a home, but some families have more than one person coming, like Amanda and I, and hoping Gordy for the future) so, there is up to 18 people in the living room. The kids go downstairs as the person who started the group runs a daycare out of her home, so it is a perfect setting.

The lady who started it also has a book club that I am going to get Carlie involved with. You read so many minutes a week and you get tokens and you turn them in for prizes, etc. Since Carlie is young, it would obviously be with us reading to her. It is going to be a fun activity to do with her.

The speaker, again is wonderful. I was very impressed. He is a very nice man.

Today we saw Taylor in Portland. It was wonderful to see him. His hair is really short! He told me that he wanted it cut like a family member that we have named Kevin that lives in Hawaii. It made me happy that he wanted to be more like someone that is a role model rather than a child that has no supervision due to their parents being to busy drinking, drugs or just not giving a damn.

We stayed and ate lunch with him also. It was nice. He was antsy to get back to his unit. After we were done eating, we walked him back. We went to his room for a bit. Carlie took him a cat that she had made at daycare with those squiggly eyes that move. He liked that.

We had taken him a Japanese soda with one of those marbles in it, and some of the yogurt drinks also that he loves. I also took him in some Chicken Pasta with onions, peppers, and motz cheese. The sauce on it is a combo of marinara and alfredo. It is one of his favorites. I also took in some rhubarb cobbler left from the potluck last night. He was excited to get home cooked food.

We played in the gym for a bit, and then we took Carlie to the playground. It was nice to watch them play together. She gets so excited each time she sees either of the kids.

It was a good day....

My autism tip of the day is really not a tip, but a book suggestion. Last night I found out that Dr. Suess was bi-polar which also means manic depressive. Mr. Dunn showed us a book that was not published before his death, but after his death. His wife hired an illustrator and put his words into a book. It is called My many colored days. It is a fantastic book, especially, in my opinion, for those kids that are not able to communicate well about their feelings. They can associate their mood or their day with a color that Dr. Suess has put to his famous words that form catchy poems. It is a wonderful book! If you have a child with a disability I strongly recommend it. If you don't, I still strongly recommend it.

Support Group Last night!!!!

2008-06-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

My first support group. Amanda went with me. I was scared. I knew I would cry and I didn't want to cry in front of strangers. Amanda is always my rock. Gordy wasn't able to go because he stayed home with Carlie. Apparently they have a daycare there and that was nice, so I hope next time my husband can come, or Carlie, or both.

I am on my way to see Taylor at the hospital, so I will write more later... but for now, just wanted everyone to know support group went well. I met some very nice people. Wonderful people.

The speaker, Mr. Dunn, who works with behaviors and behavior modification, was a very nice, and caring man. It was nice to meet him.

Tonight Potluck for my FIRST support group meeting

2008-06-19T09:35:00.001-07:00

Just when I need it most. I am going to my first meeting tonight for Autism support groups. It has been a group that has been in place for several years I am told, but I just found out about them recently. What is so exciting about it is that there is an autistic specialist that is volunteering his time to the support group for 12 months. This is month two I think. The woman raves about him and I am just so excited to learn more. I just want to keep on learning more. The more I know the more I can not only help my son, but other's in the same area. I just feel thirsty for the knowledge of this disability. I want to continue this journey. Amanda is going with me, so that she can personally talk to the doctor about his thoughts on her getting on track to help special needs people. She doesn't want to be a doctor. But he might have some great volunteer projects that she could help out with or get her on the right path.

It is a potluck. I have been so busy with Taylor's room and trying to focus on getting better that I had forgotten until just now that I need to bring something for the potluck. So, that means I need to go to the store to get something to make. Not sure yet, but I have my feelers out.

Autism tip of the day: autism is not caused by drinking or smoking. Those things might cause asthma or fetal alcohol syndrome, but not autism. I know in my mind, when I first found out, I thought long and hard and I blamed myself for his disability. I do know that part of this can be in his genes. His biological father was diagnosed hyper growing up, had a hard time in school, etc. His moods would also change at a drop of a hat, and I see that in Taylor. However, I do not think that his biological father had asperger's, but did have the ADHD component that Taylor also has. Bottom line, you can't beat yourself up over this. This is nothing that you did, or that I did. This is just how our babies were made. It is hard not to blame ourselves, but try not to.

Labels and how they can make us feel.

2008-06-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

There are labels that are put on us each and every day. Sometimes those labels might be labels that we put on ourselves, and sometimes those are labels that others put on us or how they make us feel. I was just sitting and doing some self reflections, and I realized some of my labels. Mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, baker, cook, scrapbooker, giving..... then I started thinking of labels that are on me due to life circumstances or labels that I have put on myself due to things in life. Fat, unattractive, protective, failure (due to not being able to meet my son's needs) opinionated. Need I go on. Some of these are from my past, some because of how I feel about myself when I am stressed.....

Then I start to think about the labels that my son must put on himself. I can't imagine not having any self confidence at all due to being ridiculed each and every day, or being laughed at or pointed at or stared at.... even physically harmed at school with people throwing things at him, or hitting him. (Going to the vice principal didn't help... Asperger's kids are labeled trouble. Even though there were witnesses that saw people do this to our son, it wasn't the kids who bullied fault, as they said Taylor was the aggressor. Vice principal didn't interview anyone else or even speak to us about what WE PERSONALLY SAW HAPPEN to our son). If people think for one minute that the schools understand disabilities, at our son's school, they are sadly mistaken. However, my point to my feelings that I am not getting out very well is this. I want my son to see the great labels he has.... I want him to see all the good he has. It saddens me that he must feel so alone in this.

My son's labels, Son, Brother, Grandson, Nephew, Funny, Silly, Comical, Genuine, Caring, Big Hearted, Generous, Talented, Smart, Handsome and Skillful.

Please don't label disabled people negatively, as I am sure they do that enough on their own.

To the moon and back buddy, to the moon and back.... forever your mom.

Today is the day I just have to force myself to do it.

2008-06-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate it, as much as I don't think that I can do it, today is the day I have to go into my son's room and clean it. I haven't gone inside it but once or twice since he left. It was really soon after he left, and I had to take some laundry in there and get some things for his bag to deliver to the hospital. I walk past it, and it makes me sad to not have him here. So, because I get so sad and so panicked by being near it, I have avoided it like anything.

It will always be Taylor's room. I won't take his things out and turn it into a craft room or spare room. That is my son's room. If and when he ever gets home visits from the hospital or his assisted living, I want him to have HIS ROOM TO GO TO. I want him to know our home will ALWAYS BE HIS HOME. It stresses me out a lot if he thinks that we are abandoning him, when we are trying to do what is in his best interest. This surely is HELL for me to not be around my son and know that I am meeting his needs.

Maybe I can do it in increments.... go 15 minutes, stop... etc.... give myself a break from emotions every now and again. IT IS A MESS!!!

Next week my husband has to go to California with Carlie to see his folks. It is good for them and I wish I felt strong enough to go too... but just too much for me to deal with here. I was thinking about painting his room a different color. I am not sure. We shall see. For today, I just need to get it cleaned out.

Autism Tip of The Day: We are our child's expert! We need to remember this. Often times since we know our child more than anyone else, we need to stop the doctor's or counselors from decisions that are not good for our children, and often times that is sticking to our gut instinct. One time a counselor told me that Taylor wanted to play with a young boy down around the corner from us. We had had bad experiences with not only the boy, but his parents. They let their son play with air guns, and the language and terms he used were very inappropriate. The counselor told me in front of Taylor that he wanted a chance to play with that child again. It was totally inappropriate for her to do so, as she should have done this away from Taylor. When I said, no, absolutely not, Taylor went into meltdown mode. I was the bad guy. I was wrong. My husband and I decided to listen to her advise and let there be very supervised visits amongst the boys.... and all hell broke lose. I should have respected my original decision.

Another time, a doctor, again in front of Taylor, asked me how we were going to work on Taylor getting his driver's license. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? He said he had been speaking to Taylor and he really wanted it. I told the doctor that I felt very uncomfortable with that conversation at the time and I didn't think we should talk about it right then. In all of his wisdom and knowledge, he told me no, this was a great time to talk about it. (In fairness this is before the vineland testing had been done and Taylor's results came back.... but we his parents knew his living adaptability.) I let the doctor know that we didn't feel that our son had the responsibility to drive. We let him know that he can't brush his teeth on his own without prompting about 20 times a day. We let him know we didn't feel it would be safe for Taylor or anyone on the road. With all of this in mind... Taylor was getting angrier and angrier. Taylor stormed out of the office when it was time to go. He called off our Taylor and mom date for Jamba Juice and he that night ran away. Again so upset and not being able to communicate it. My husband called the doctor right away letting him know it was unacceptable to be bringing things like this up in front of Taylor and he should be coming to us with these ideas first.

We are our child's advocates.... Always!

Always hugs for big brother!

2008-06-17T21:14:00.001-07:00

Hugs are always something that are nice. I still can't believe what a good brother Taylor is to his little sister. He loves her so much, and she obviously loves him. When I look at this photo, I can tell how much he needed her hug right then and there. That was when we very first got to the hospital to see him. She always gets so excited that she actually squeals with delight.

This is when we were about to leave. Taylor took us to his room to show us he had moved to a new room. Now in their rooms, all there is, is a bed. Carlie tried to jump on his bed, but we quickly scolded her. You can just see on each of their faces that this hug is more of a sad hug. I am so glad that Taylor still likes hugs from his sisters. If you enlarge the photo you can see a tear drop in his eye. Makes me so sad!

My Grandpa Dave and Taylor

2008-06-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

My Grandpa Dave loved me. He was a farmer all his life. He loved being around kids. His laughter reminded me of Mr. Edwards on Little House on the Prairie... a laugh that came from the belly, or from the toes. He was a good grandpa, but had some ideas on how to raise kids... as he was from a different generation. He had fun just pittling around his farm and Taylor would not be far behind, when we would go up. He would follow him everywhere.

My grandpa and I got into a huge argument one time while he was at my home, trying to help me with my car that had broken down, something to do with a thermostat and the car would overheat. Well my grandpa took a break and was talking to the neighbor. The neighbor was just about my grandpa's age... so they struck up a conversation. At the time, we were told Taylor had ADHD and not autism. So... the neighbor started to tease Taylor, and he was teasing him for quite awhile. He was calling Taylor a skinny runt (which he was) and Taylor thought if it was time to be truthful, he would tell the man what he saw... Taylor told him he was an old man. My grandpa took that to be very disrespectful (and I wouldn't really want Taylor talking to people like that) but, what really upset me is that he grabbed Taylor by the hair, in the bang area. Like a mother hen, I flew out my door when I heard Taylor crying and there was just a big confrontation and I told my grandfather to leave my house. I was a single parent at the time and had nobody to really vent to.... so I called my grandma and told her he better call me when he got home. She did. He made a comment about he loved Taylor just like he loved the rest.... ( so was he saying that because he thought Taylor was bad, or because I had Taylor being a single parent, or because of his ethnicity???? ) I took offense to it and just really made me upset. I told him not to come back to my home until he apologized.

The call never came. I missed him and hated not seeing him. I mean, months had gone by, maybe nearly a year. I swallowed my pride and called him. He acted as if nothing ever happened. My heart was hurt, but I was so glad we were on speaking terms again.

Fast forward a few years. My grandfather got cancer. It was on his lip first, and then in his jaw and glands. It was awful to see my big, strong grandpa wither away. The last time I saw him, was at my wedding. He had just had a surgery. There was a drop or two of blood that got on his shirt. When we danced, he apologized for the blood. Are you kidding? He should not have been there, that is how sick he was... yet here he was at my wedding, dancing with me. I said my final good bye to my grandpa a few days after the wedding as we were leaving back to Iowa. Hardest day of my life probably. Knowing you will never see someone again... not until heaven.... a huge pill to swallow. It took me forever to leave. My heart hurt so bad. I didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay. We had to leave the next morning.

Fast forward a few more months. I would talk to my grandpa on the phone from Iowa. The cancer was so bad, I could not understand a single word he said. A couple of times I think he was crying from frustration. I would put my husband on the phone, and my daughter on the phone. None of us could understand him. We would say, oh really grandpa, or well that's nice.... it was really uncomfortable for all of us. I felt bad for him. Then Taylor got on the phone. This is the same little guy that had his hair pulled by Grandpa.... he didn't care. He talked to Grandpa about baseball and fireflies and going to the farm in the Amish community. He carried on conversations with him for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. It was so wonderful to see my son with a disability and my dying grandpa have these long talks. I believe that God did that for Taylor, and God did that for Grandpa. My heart still fills with so much emotion when I think of it.

As for now, I think of Grandpa often. Now, I walk Relay for life, and each year I make out a sack for him. This year, I got a picture of the sack... Grandpa, this is for you, but this is also from a little boy who loved you, even if we didn't see eye to eye.

My grandpa on our last visit before I had to go home, apologized for the hurtful things he said about Taylor. He told me how much he loved him, and he knew he had made mistakes. My heart melted.

Autism Tip of the day and Asperger's Syndrome copied from Autism.org

Language:

lucid speech before age 4 years; grammar and vocabulary are usually very good
speech is sometimes stilted and repetitive
voice tends to be flat and emotionless
conversations revolve around self

Cognition

obsessed with complex topics, such as patterns, weather, music, history, etc.
often described as eccentric
I.Q.'s fall along the full spectrum, but many are in the above normal range in verbal ability and in the below average range in performance abilities.
many have dyslexia, writing problems, and difficulty with mathematics
lack common sense
concrete thinking (versus abstract)

Behavior

movements tend to be clumsy and awkward
odd forms of self-stimulatory behavior
sensory problems appear not to be as dramatic as those with other forms of autism
socially aware but displays inappropriate reciprocal interaction

Researchers feel that Asperger's syndrome is probably hereditary in nature because many families report having an "odd" relative or two. In addition, depression and bipolar disorder are often reported in those with Asperger's syndrome as well as in family members.

At this time, there is no prescribed treatment regimen for individuals with Asperger's syndrome. In adulthood, many lead productive lives, living independently, working effectively at a job (many are college professors, computer programmers, dentists), and raising a family.

Sometimes people assume everyone who has autism and is high-functioning has Asperger's syndrome. However, it appears that there are several forms of high-functioning autism, and Asperger's syndrome is one form.

Our son is classified as high functioning with Asperger's because he knows how to speak and can carry on a conversation, yet, his does not adapt to live well. He scores that of a three to five year old in some areas of being able to take care of himself on his own. It is very difficult to watch.

Sometimes Autism Is Silent

2008-06-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

There are times that Tay just sits and thinks. He is silent. You don't know what is on his mind. He is not happy, he is not sad, he is just there. This picture from Saturday reminds me of that. Again, my son, a piece of me, a part of my soul.

My son, Taylor

Missing Pieces by

2008-06-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Missing pieces video Mark Leland

The song that represents Autism!

People with Autism have people who love them...

2008-06-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

I sit and see people at times stare at my son when he doesn't behave the way that most kids his age might. The look of confusion on their faces makes in hard not to notice. These are adults. They should know better. Yet, they don't! That is just so disheartening at times.

I want everyone to know, that even though these kids might seem odd or out of place, they have family that love them, just as you do, or your kids. I want you to know, that by no means is it their choice to have this disability. Whoever would want that? Surely not anyone that I know.

He has two parents that love him, and two sisters that love him and are crazy about him.
My son is lucky... he has 4 grandparents that love him....
He has seven aunts that love him.
He has seven uncles that love him.
He has eleven cousins that love him, soon to be twelve...
He has people that weren't born into our family, but have just become a part of our family.... Kevin, Bernie, Ryan, Dani, Auntie Terrie.

Just know, that these aren't bad kids, or weird kids, or kids with nothing going for them. They are kids with disabilities.

They love
Sometimes they laugh
They feel
Sometimes they cry
They want to be "normal" if they are aware that they are not like the other kids.

The hardest thing to hear as a mother with a son with a disability is, when he tells me he wants to be normal like all the other kids. You don't know how much that breaks my heart.

Next time you think someone is odd, or seems out of place, give them a smile and say hi. You don't know how much it will mean to them.

Demarle Baking Product Drawing When Donating!

2008-06-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

June 16th, 2008 through to July 15th 2008 Demarle helps bake a wish!!!

I am not sure if you are familiar with Demarle at Home, but if you are a baker, or a cook, this is something that will benefit your cooking. You will be hooked! You can go to the Demarle site to get more info on their products. I sell these products in my off time, although I have not done a show in months and months due to the issues at hand with Taylor. These products are used by professional chefs and they are made in France. You do not need to use any oils or sprays to help the product not stick to the pans. My daughter has been coming over lately and begging to use some of my personal items at hand to cook with as she is doing bakes sales from time to time at her job. This is technology and you will be one happy cook when you get these in your hot little hands.

I have a little bit of stock on hand, and I am giving this to my daughter to have a drawing at work. These are new, and have never even been used, or taken out of the box until now.

You can donate $5.00 to her fund, and you will get 5 tickets for the drawing. $1. per ticket
You can donate $10.00 to her fund and you will get 15 tickets for the drawing. 67 cents per ticket
You can donate $20.00 to her fund and you will get 40 tickets for the drawing. 50 cents per ticket
You can donate $30.00 to her fund and you will get 90 tickets for the drawing. 33 cents per ticket.
OR
You can donate $40.00 to her fund and you will get 160 tickets for the drawing .25 cents per ticket.

The items that are going to be given as a gift for the donation winner are as follows: I will link them to the demarle page for you!

Flower Mold
Fluted Square Mold
Fluted Bundt Mold

These each are valued at $33.95, which would bring the value to $101.85, and the shipping is included in your donation for the drawing.

Happy Bidding! Good Luck! If you save this for yourself, you will love them. If you save them for gifts for the bakers and chefs in your life, they will love YOU!

Once your donation was made, either through the mail, paypal, in person or by credit card, she will email you, or give to you in person, your ticket numbers.

You can look for the donation key on the left of the page if that is the way you want to do it.

Good night Taylor

2008-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

I remember when you were little, our saying to each other, between Amanda, You, and Myself, was "Love ya to the moon and back!"

I want you to know son, that even though you may never get to read this blog, that even though you are not a little man now, but a young man, I still love you to the moon and back. Nothing will ever, ever change that son!

When dad and I had to leave to Iowa for that five day trip to move all of our belongings, when you were a little boy, you got really scared, as we had never been away from each other for so long. I sat you on my lap and I told you that we would be sleeping under the same moon and the same stars, so that means our hearts would never be far from each other. Now, I am having to take comfort in those words myself. The words don't sound so convincing to me... I hope that they did for you son. I don't get to say my good nights to you anymore. I miss that son. I miss you. I count the days.... always counting the days to see you again. My heart misses you sO very much.

Today was Father's Day. Tomorrow is sis's birthday. The celebrations aren't nearly as fulfilling without you here to enjoy them with us. But, we keep going.

We miss you son.... and we love you, to the moon and back buddy.... to the moon and back!

A great read on high functioning Aspergers Autism

2008-06-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting here reading this. I thought that it was a brilliant article. Hope this enlightens you as well.

Article on high functioning Autism Aspergers

Taylor's Donation Fund If You Would Like To Help

2008-06-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

Many people have asked how they can help since they live so far away and can't participate in any of the fund raising efforts. This is how you could help if you chose too. Also your prayers and your comments left for Taylor on the blog brighten his day.

Today is Father's Day!!! Wishing our Taylor was here!

2008-06-15T07:47:00.001-07:00

Today is Father's Day. Holidays are bittersweet. Hoping in the future, Taylor will be in a good enough place personally that he will be able to get out of holidays, but for now, that is not something that is allowed.

We are getting ready to go to brunch at Marie Calendars. I really don't want to go. I really want to just stay at home and to be honest, I would really like to stay in bed and just stay there with no obligations at all. But, I won't. I will get up, and be a mommy to Carlie and Amanda to the best of my ability, and a wife to Gordon also to the best of my ability.

We are so lucky that we were able to see Taylor yesterday. We did not tell him it was Father's Day today, as it is so hard for him to know when he misses out on things. Amanda's birthday is also tomorrow, and it would be harder for him knowing he was missing out on two things, not just one. I know Amanda is going to take it hard.

For now, we get up and we get ready to go. We send our morning prayers for Taylor to feel blessed today and surrounded by Jesus Christ's love, and know that he is a Child of God through all of this confusion.

Happy Father's Day to all and thanks for your support.

Happy Father's Day to my dad and my father in law Eddie....

Most of all Happy Father's Day to my husband is who is the best dad to his kids. Thanks for loving them with all your heart and always wanting to be there for them, and wanting what is best for them.

Autism tip of a the day. You can't joke around as much with kids, often times with Autism/Asperger's syndrome. They will take you quite literally many times. If you say, I am so mad, I could just spit, and things of such, they take it in the wrong way. You know how people will get angry or joke in teen years and say, I can't believe that you told him I like him, I will kill you (not good verbage), however, Taylor would avoid that person for sure as he would be afraid of harm or violence.

Good Bye To Auntie Terrie

2008-06-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

We went to see Taylor today. We went with Terrie, and Amanda and Spencer were able to come with us also, so it was the whole family.

It was wonderful to see Taylor. They let us through one set of doors, and if you look down the hall, you can see another set with a small window in it. There we saw Taylor standing. Carlie, when she sees him in the small window always squeals and gets excited. It is wonderful to watch her excitement as much as it is to see how happy he is to see her.

Today was a hard day. We were there to obviously see Taylor, but Terrie is about to move back to Los Angeles to be near her family and further her education. We met Terrie through my husband's job at the college. She soon just captured our hearts with her love of people and her sweet and gentle soul. She is Carlie's God Mother, but she is more than that, she is Ohana. She is family. We did not want her to leave and Taylor not be able to say good bye. Remember, he doesn't communicate well, so, his good bye can be harder for him than ours.

We took a picnic lunch and Auntie Terrie made shrimp tempura which is one of Taylor's favorites, along with ours also. We took turkey wraps and fried chicken, a couple salads, and chips. We took soda. Taylor didn't eat a thing. He said his throat hurt. He slept in the sun a lot! Carlie was by his side.

Before the picnic, we were able to go to the gym to play for a bit. Usually he has such a wonderful time there, yet today, he opened a door for fresh air and just sat at the door. Auntie Terrie went and sat by him. It was good....

We decided it was good for us to leave somewhat early as he was so tired and I think that he was running a fever. We had to get some family photos first of all, and so we did. He was patient as you could tell that he would rather be doing other things.

Then, we sat at a table and had to talk to him about Auntie Terrie and this being her last time to see him before she moves. It was heart breaking. He started crying, but would not look at her too much. I told him how it was so okay to cry. I told him when it came to times like this, it is also okay to tell people how they feel. He didn't talk too much, but he did turn to her, and I am not too sure if they even made eye contact, but, he said, I will miss you. My heart hurt for him. My heart hurt for her. My heart hurt for me! He said good bye to her on the unit again.

I am so glad that he had that chance to say good bye to her today. I am so glad he cried and felt some emotion, but I am so proud he could verbalize he would miss her.

Auntie Terrie, we love you, forever. I thank you for being a part of our family and I appreciate you being a part of Taylor's life as well as the girls! Ohana! Family!
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Autism tip of the day! When there is a melt down or a fit thrown, it can be from something several hours, and even days before. There are times that they internalize things and they don't know how to react to them at the moment so it takes time for the feelings to come out.

Concepts of time and money

2008-06-13T06:53:00.000-07:00

Taylor has no concept of time or money. Plain simple, no other words for it. It can be in terms of months, weeks, days, or simply, five minutes. He can say, how many minutes can I play this game? We will give him a time limit of let's say 30 minutes. When 30 minutes is up, he simply will not believe that 30 minutes has gone by and has a melt down over the fact it is time to stop playing the game. It is odd. He can look at the clock and it will clearly tell him that it is factual, yet, he still does not believe it.

As for money. $1 and $1,000,000 are the same. The one million dollars does not have a significant value to it. One time this last fall, he took out his savings of $1,200 and he spent it on his friends within two days. Pretty incredible. His friends took advantage of him. After doing so, Taylor had done this on a run away spree, he had gotten in a bike wreck with these friends. He was pretty torn up and bloody, the friends left him downtown as Taylor didn't have enough money to ride the bus back to their house. (This is the same house where the parents were harboring him). He walked about 5 miles to his sister's apartment. He hadn't eaten since breakfast, it was now 1am. He hadn't taken his meds in a couple of days. Things were not good. He had bought them hoodies, video games, jeans. He didn't buy himself one single thing. That is someone preying on his disability. It was not considered theft of course, as Taylor willingly bought it for them. It was just so sad. We live in a middle class neighborhood. We have a nice home we work hard for. If you ask Taylor how much our house payments are, he will say, $5 or $150. There is just no value of the dollar for him.

If we talk directions however, Taylor could be rented out as a GPS tracking device. When Amanda Taylor and I drove to Iowa to live, he was busy in the back playing game boy. Yet, months later when we had to drive back home, to plan the wedding. Taylor could tell us every turn to take from Iowa to Spokane Washington. His mind is like a trap with directions.

Autism Tip of the Day! A lot of times Autistic kids have issues with sleep patterns. They may be awake when others in your home sleep. Due to this they may wander, some staying in the house and leaving the house. It is very important at a young age, to let your child know about his/her disability and be able to communicate to the police that they have autism. We have our son telling police, if he is out, His name and that he has autism which is a form of autism. He knows his dad's cell number by heart, but can't remember our home phone number or address. He can direct you how to get to our house, but can't memorize our address. Also in the sleep patterns, a lot of kids with autism will have night terrors, and yell and scream in their sleep.

There are some people that I want to thank in helping our son....

2008-06-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

We were recently transitioned out of Keizer health (Our HMO) for Taylor's disabilities, and counseling. We met with a Dr. Julie and Dr. Rick Bingham. They really didn't get a lot of chances to help or counsel Taylor since when we would go in every two weeks to a month, we would be in crisis. They were more like having to pick up the pieces rather than coaching him into skills. However, they were able to get us in touch with Marion County, and a program called New Solutions. From there things have gone so much easier.

Our first interaction with a Mr. Alvarez. He did the in-take questions on Taylor to get us into the right area. Within a week or so we were contacted by a woman named Sue, and she was amazing. For a mom, running on empty since fall, but continuing to run for the safety and well being of my child, she was exactly what I needed. She was a take charge, this is the steps we need to take kind of gal. It was like she was my manual and I had something to go by. She gave me suggestions to help Taylor with this program or that. She also got me in touch with Tami, who works for Marion county and she is like and advocate for our kids with Asperger's. Although doctors may know the research on Aspergers, they, to be honest, are sometimes very far from being experts when you are the person living with Asperger's and autism. Tami also has a son with Asperger's so that makes it very helpful for us that she knows exactly what we are going through. The funny thing is, for over two years of people knowing that Taylor has Asperger's, Dr. Julie Bingham is the first to tell us about this program. I am getting off track now. Going back to Sue.... she has a very business like approach and appearance, and the first thing that ran through my head was .... Holy Hatties... here we go again, someone that is going to listen and only get half of my story, and this is my son's future. I was so pleasantly surprised. She was so kind and for once in my life, I felt like she listened, and she really *GOT IT*! A new person is now being put on our case, and her name is Daniel. She is very kind and very sweet. She calls to check up on how Taylor is doing. Each of the women at New Solutions seems genuinely interested in Taylor's well being, but go beyond that as they know it affects the whole family. They ask about how we as a family are doing and it is so touching.

At the hospital, his counselor Jessie has become Taylor's voice to us. She is a kind lady and I think that Taylor has connected well with her. They work more one on one with their counselors and staff and only see the doctor for med changes. With this in mind, there are quite a few staff members at the Parry House that Taylor has connected with. Felicia is one of them, and Megan is another. I know that there is the name Nate, but I don't get to hear all of the names of the counselors, as there are so many. I just am grateful for the attention and care you are giving my son while he is away from our home.

I can not leave out a lady named Kim at DD services. She has worked rapidly when getting paperwork on our son since he is rapidly approaching 18. I appreciate the attention and care that you have given our case.

Raymond Tuttle is yet another person that has helped get Taylor on some paths that he would not have been on. It was playing phone tag for a bit since he is such a busy man, but we appreciate him knowing it went beyond Taylor's control at times.

I know that through Taylor's life we will have many more to thank, and the list will grow. For now, I want those people recognized.

Also, Taylor's Kindergarten teacher Ms. Aspas always showed so much attention and love for Taylor. He still mentions her.... as well as Mr. Nimo who helped him in Albany.

Asperger's Tip of the Day: People that have Asperger's often are considered heartless at times. They don't have too much sympathy or empathy in situations. It isn't that they are trying this. Their brains just don't understand emotions too much, so if for instance he would run away and we would be up all night worrying about him, he couldn't understand what the big deal was. He was going to come back, so why be so upset? They don't understand it. Every so often we can see him trying to relate to something. Our neighbors dog was lost, and he got frantic, as he really loves his dog, and he really seemed to understand their emotion, but that is far and few between!

My brother has become my inspiration

2008-06-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

My 20th birthday is approaching in only days, and though I am still young, I've realized that I need to steadily begin to look into career options. For years, I have wanted to do hair, and work in swanky little salons. It just seemed so glamorous. However, with the obstacles that my family and I have faced with Taylor..I have realized that hair isn't good enough. I always liked the thought of making someone feel beautiful when they walked out of my salon, but I would much rather make someone feel beautiful on the inside. I have decided that I want to dedicate my life to children with special needs and emotional issues. I want to make each and every one of these children feel loved. When I die, I want to be able to look back and remember all of the people who's heart I was able to heal, not the ones who I gave a trim to, and applied highlights. I want to mentor, and talk and listen. I want to hold hands that haven't been held and dry tears that run down little cheeks. But I don't want to limit myself to just special needs. I also want to help those that have been sexually assaulted and raped. I want to educate these girls on how to feel productive and beautiful in non-destructive ways, and I want to help them get back on their feet without the agony of feeling like it's their fault. All in all, I am going to help and touch as many lives as I can. And I have Taylor to thank for all of it. He is forever my brother and forever my inspiration, and because of him, I am determined to change the lives of millions.

Should people be able to harbor a runaway with special needs?

2008-06-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

I know that there are some teens that run away because there are many issues at home. Some kids are not safe. I understand that. However, if a teen runs away due to having special needs and not being able to communicate, should the parents of the home that the teen runs to be able to just continue harboring them? That is a question you should ask yourself. If the parents have a family that are constantly drinking in the home beyond a glass of wine, but where they are drunk, or they have drugs in their home. Is that acceptable?

This is what was happening to our teen, with Autism. When he was unable to communicate well, his defense was to run... and he was running to homes (2) with little to no supervision. We went to the parents, and we spoke to them by phone and in person. We told them the situation at hand and told them that our son was special needs and that he needed to be at home. When we would go to their home to return our son and bring him home, there would be lies that he was not there. The parents many times would not be home and there would be 20 kids or more outside playing and causing hell on the neighborhood. Sometimes the parents would just be getting out of bed... sometimes drunk, sometimes high. They told Taylor to tell the police that he was beaten at home, and the police would not make him go home. So, Taylor did. We had countless interviews with the police and it was discovered that no, we don't beat our son. In fact, the police told us to restrain our son at all lengths to keep him from leaving. We disagreed. To even hold Taylor's arm from walking away would be considered or mistaken by him as an attack. Someone would surely be hurt off of what the officers advice was. We were ordered off of the properties of the people that were harboring our son and told never to come back again. We followed those words so we would not be breaking the law. Our only recourse the police told us was to each time Taylor ran away, call the parents tell them to return him and then call the police. We once again complied. Many times the police would not even come to help. They said Taylor was just running a game. The had told us that it is not against the law to runaway but it is against the law to interfere with parental rights. We were to call them each and every time Taylor ran away. Again, many times they refused to go there. We explained to them about the danger he was in in those homes. With autism, he was at risk to the influence of drugs and alcohol and that is what was in those homes. They said that they would arrest the parents the next time they had Taylor in their home. They caught him an additional three times for sure by searching the home or threatening the mother, yet, still no arrests to her or the father, of either homes.

When Taylor would run away we would go door to door in the neighborhood with a photo of our son. We would tell the people he was autistic and we needed them to be our eyes and ears to find our son when he would run as he would surely be in that neighborhood. Each and every neighbor told us, get your son away from those kids, they are no good. They even were leaving death threats (the kids) on one of the neighbors doors, but they couldn't prove it was those kids as they did not see them put it on the door. It was HELL working with the police. Here we are trying to follow the laws, when you really want to tell them what you think and go to their door, but we tried to do what was right.

Now, through the media, we have found out that one of the homes had a father that was a sexual abuser. FANTASTIC. He had been on record for years so they police knew this when they pulled up to their house and we were standing there.

We have to establish laws for runaways and the people that harbor them. We especially have to do so for children with disabilities. They don't understand life like a normal teen. The answer is also not sending them to a drug and alcohol hospital. That is not what is wrong with the kids.

Please help pass the laws that we need.

2008-06-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

Officially Today

2008-06-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

Today was a feel sorry for myself day.... or more of a feel sorry for my son day. Today is official. He has been officially diagnosed as disabled. I have such mixed emotions about it. When the call came, I felt numb.

This will get the services he needs to stay safe. Without it, he could have ended up in a road leading nowhere as he isn't capable of taking care of himself properly and keeping himself safe and out of harms way. So this is good news.

Disabled, also a bitter word in my mouth for my son and his future. I would rather think of it as Delayed able... if there were such a thing. However, we will go with it...

It is funny how my mind races when in stressful times like this. When I was pregnant with Taylor, I worked at a place called Swackhammer's. It was a family restaurant and at night it was a night club. One of the bartender's there, Thomas, was expecting a baby at the same time I was expecting Taylor. We were within a couple of months of each other. He and his wife, Melody, were due before I was.

One night Simon (Thomas's best friend and a fellow bar tender there) came in and said Thomas was not going to be at work that day, that he was at the hospital and they were having their baby. All night long, we took turns running to the pay phone in the back making the calls to the hospital to see if they baby had been born. Finally at the end of our shift, past 2:30am in the morning we found out they had a baby girl. Simon was connected to Thomas. Thomas told him that the baby was not going to live. She was born with major birth defects and they thought that she would maybe make it a week or so being on machines. She was in pain, so they parents had to choose whether to disconnect her from the machines, and hold her until she passed, or keep her hooked up and be with her that week or so. They chose to disconnect. They held their baby for those few hours and she passed away in their arms. They named her. They talked to her and cooed at her... but mostly they cried. I felt so guilty... he had to come to work and see me pregnant when he just lost his beautiful baby girl. It was so sad. They came to my baby shower. I felt horrible. They were strong.

I sit and I feel blessed. Here is my son. God, where would I be if I would have lost him at birth? He has taught me so much. I love him so much. He is a part of me. No matter what his disability is, it is better than what happened to Thomas and Melody's baby girl. I have been blessed with this son. He might have issues, but who doesn't?

In no way am I saying that this is easy, but this is so much better than what it can be. I can't imagine if Taylor's autism was so severe that I would never hear the word *mom*, or more common for him *mama* out of his mouth.

He teaches me to be unselfish. Today as I was talking to him about great days ahead so we could picnic with him on the weekend, I asked what he wanted me to bring for the picnic. This is a boy who loves his mom's cooking, and says the food there is horrible (doubtful) and his response is... don't worry about me mom, anything will be fine. Me, if I were without my favorite things, there would be a huge list.

Just was thinking about my son and needed to journal this....

Yesterday we had a run away scare...

2008-06-10T08:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was at home feeling not too good from some tests that I am going through due to some stomach issues. I was in bed, and I got a call. I saw that it was from the hospital that our son is staying at. I was so happy I was going to get to talk to him, yet, I was in for a shock.

The counselor on the other end introduced herself and said that Taylor was a runaway from the hospital. My HEART SUNK! I am about 70 or so miles from there, so I couldn't run outside and just look for him. She said that he had been in a good place all morning, but when he had gone to school there on the grounds, someone or something and had made him mad and he ran out of the building. My heart just hurt. The hospital is in an area that isn't really a bad area, but it is very unfamiliar to us since we don't live there and that scared us a lot. There is also a high school near by and there are always kids out there so I was afraid if Taylor would run to one of them that would happen to be in the wrong crowd. I was afraid he would be hit by a car, as it is on a very busy street. I was afraid, as it was cold and he had no coat on. I immediately called my husband, and we were just in pure shock! We were helpless to say the least!!! They had called the police and they were there scouring the area. I started thinking and called them back. Taylor will hide under bushes if he is afraid... they needed to know that. I relayed that message.
About an hour or so later, the call came in that they had found Taylor. He was on the property, down at his garden on site. That made me feel such a relief. They were trying to talk him back to the unit. They promised to have him call me when he reached there. Not too long afterwards, the call came in. It was Taylor, and you could hear the disappointment in his voice. I told him that we had been so worried. In his mind, there was nothing wrong with what he had done as he had stayed on campus. He doesn't understand the worry or concern. I told him that I hoped he could get to the place where he could talk about things like that with the staff instead of running. I told him how PROUD I was to have him make such a good choice of not leaving campus as that would have been so dangerous. He was just speaking to me in Uh-huh, and uh-uh answers. What had lead him to his meltdown was there was a stereo in the classroom. He was either trying to adjust the volume or the channel and the worker told him it was not his to touch, and that he needed to ask permission. He took the cue wrong (very normal for him or Asperger's kids) and saw it as a threat or a challenge. Instead of posturing, which he does from time to time.... he just decided to run!

Which, leads me to the Autism Tip of the Day: We need to pass laws and insist that our police force take educational training on people with disorders. We have had to deal with the police on many occasions when Taylor is a run away. Many of them get very cocky with a very know it all attitude on troubled teens. My son is not a troubled teen, he is a young man with a disability. I am not saying this for my son's protection but for anyone's protection that has a disability. We have had parenting lectures again and again from the police, which might work on a normal child without disabilities, but they don't work on someone with autism. We have been told to hold our son down with physical force, which will get the situation so out of control that someone would get hurt. They need to know facts about disorders and not give out poor information for people that don't have the resources to find the answers. They need to be equipped with support in the area for disabilities. We, believe it or not, had one officer tell us that Taylor is always so nice and such a good kid, he just didn't understand it.... DUH!!!! You don't live with it, you haven't been trained. He went on to tell us that he almost tased Taylor with a Taser Gun to *TEACH HIM A LESSON*! Is this serving and protecting the community or is this being an ASS? We have had one tell us that Gordon must be the step dad and this is the reason for the outburst. We have had them tell us to put him into a hospital that they saw a lot of success rate.... it was a drug and alcohol hospital. It is so ridiculous the info they have. Again that hospital may be good for a kid on drugs or alcohol, but put Taylor in a not good place. We, the community must make sure that people with disabilities are being treated as so. We, the parents of these young people with disabilities must also teach our kids that they need to tell the officers their name, their telephone number and that they have Asperger's which is a form of Autism, otherwise the police won't know.

On the flip side, we have had three of four officers returning Taylor from run away status that are very kind and really tried diligently.

Tomorrow's subject is also about laws of harboring a runaway, and what we as a community needs to do about that, especially when the runaway has a disability.

Obsessions and phobias with autism

2008-06-09T09:43:00.000-07:00

Obsessions, we all have them in one fashion or another! Some of us more than others. Many times they don't compare to an obsession that someone with autism has! They get fixated on specific items, and they have a very difficult time breaking away from it. This is different than what their gift is... but sometimes they do seem to intermingle a bit.

For our son, his obsessions are several things. Remember he is almost 18, but his mind is not that of 18. He loves pokemon cards. It is fascinating to me as the creator of these also has Asperger's Syndrome. He also loves match box cars and must have over 600 of them or so. He also loves to play video games. This is also one of his talents however. He can master a game within days of buying the new game. He really likes transformers and also bionicles from Legos? He likes magnetic links that link together also.

As for phobias. He is REALLY afraid of the dark. He hates the dark. Even when he was running away, he would tell his sister that he would stay in very well lit areas. He always has been afraid. He also is fearful of needles. I am also, but not to the extent that Taylor is. I remember when he was like four, we went to get a shot. I would always have to hold him in my lap as he would get the shot to try to calm him down. With that in mind, the doctor had taken him off of my lap to go pick out a band aid. They had spiderman, and different animations. The doctor thought this was a good idea to get him mind off of things. As the doctor went to the cupboard to get the band aid of choice, we were chatting, and Taylor opened the door and was running out the building. Very scary at the time as the office was on a busy street, but, as years pass, we still get a lot of chuckles from that one.

Taylor loves the pool or anywhere that he is able to swim. He can be in there for hours and not even have a thought to get out. It is very amusing! He isn't really too strong of a swimmer, but he can hold his own. I can honestly say, when he is in water, he is happy. It has always been that way. Now, taking a shower is another story. We have to constantly remind him to shower. It isn't that he doesn't want to really, just that he gets side tracked and we have to keep telling him. Once he is in there, he won't get out. He loves water, once again.

Autism tip of the day: Often times kids that have Aspergers really don't think about how others will view them. With that in mind, they might want to wear the same clothes day in and day out, no matter how many clothes you buy them. Their hair is often unkept and many times their clothes can be wrinkly or not really match well, or not match the elements. It isn't really that they don't care what others might think, it just really never crosses their mind.

Please forward this site to everyone you know....

2008-06-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

We are keeping a list of where people are visiting the site from and telling Taylor when we we him. He knows we have a site for autism and it excites him that we are trying to educate people with tips of the day about autism, so people will more readily recognize it when they see it. Thank you!

Why I want to take Taylor to Disneyland

2008-06-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

The last time we were in Disneyland, I was 10-years-old, and Taylor was about 7. Of course we were both excited. As soon as we entered the gates, Taylor kind of squealed, and I expected him to run right in and go to the first ride he could find, but surprisingly enough, i remember feeling his little hand grab mine and getting a little sqeeze. It's like he wanted me to be by his side the entire time. Taylor loved the Swiss Family Robinson tree house, and the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. They were such a boyish adventure for him. We searched for Mikey so that he could shake the hands of this little boy that loved him so much. He was laughing and pointing at all of the details that only he could notice. I wanted to go on the Haunted Mansion ride, and he was so scared, but he did it to stay with me. He went on it just for me. He held on to my leg, and put his head on my shoulder, but he was the bravest of boys in there. Our time there was full of Taylor smiles. I haven't seen those smiles for years.
So before Taylor has to go to a more permanent home in October, I want to be able to take him and my family to Disneyland one more time. That is all he wanted when we asked him if he wanted to anything before having to go. And now that we have Spencer in our lives, he won't go unless he is with us, so I have a little more fund-raising to do than I had planned origionally. Taylor has been sad for so many years; I want to see that Disney smile just one more time. I want to be able to put him on all of those rides, and take him to see the pirates. I want to stay for the fireworks, and have Mikey shake his hands that are now the hands of a young man. I want to try to walk in the parade and show all the happy people the brother I am so proud of and love so much. More than anything, I want Taylor to have one more happy memory before he has to go away. I want him to see how much I love him, and how much dreams really can come true. Just like Walt Disney had that *Dream* and look where that dream took him! Thank you to all who have done your part in buying my baked goods, and giving us donations. You are such a big part in helping me grant this wish...and thank you to all of those who read this. Sometimes just knowing that people are hearing Taylor's story is enough of a dream come true. Please continue buying so I can give him the wish of a lifetime. It is one time in his life, he can be Taylor and not worry about people bullying him or taunting him, but just really be there to have fun. Take a look at my brother. How could I say no to a face like that? ~ Thanks, Amanda

A thanks to our parents....

2008-06-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

I was up most of the night in bed last night and I continued to think again and again, of things that are GREAT in Taylor's life. I just kept coming back to family. I kept coming back to he has SO many people who love him, between Aunties and Uncles, cousins, & Grandparents.

My mind drifted back to when I was pregnant with my first child, Amanda. I was living in Hawaii at the time and my ex-husband was out in the field with the Army. My mom and I were on the phone just talking girl talk and the excitement I had for my first child, and my mom her first grandchild. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. I told her that there could be nothing wrong with the baby as I did not think that I could handle being the mother of a child with special needs. She told me that of course I could... you just do it and love them like any other child as you are the one that carried them in your womb, and they are your baby. Amanda came out without any issues (other than being stubborn *somewhat like her mom*). So here I am over 20 years later, going back on that conversation and I am shameful. Here I am, a mom of a child, not even a child, a young man, with a disability. I love him as much as Amanda, and I love him as much as Carlie. I feel really bad for him, as I feel like I have let him down. I feel like he deserves a better mom. Logically I know that is not true, and that I have tried everything in my power, but that is how my heart feels.

Back to our parents... I am so glad that Gordon's parents raised him to be a good man. I am so glad that I found a good dad for our kids. It sounds very odd, but I am so glad that Taylor's biological father has chosen to not take an active role in his life. On one hand it stinks because each and every child deserves to know their dad. It doesn't effect Taylor like it does Amanda. Gordy is HER DAD through and through, and anyone ignorant enough not to think so is just that very silly. However, on the other hand, perhaps it does effect Taylor just as much but he just doesn't know how to communicate that frustration. I am not sure. We check in with him often to see if he has any questions about his biological father. The only questions that have come out of him so far, are, 1) Didn't he have a small car like that mom? 2) He was in the military, right? What kind of military? (Meaning which branch) 3) He lives in Texas right? That is really close to Mexico, right? And last, but not least... 4) His hair was really thick like mine wasn't it mom? That is it. I really do believe that in my heart, God does know our outcome far before we do and it is in HIS plans. I know that Gordy was brought to us by God to father my kids, which he does so well. That comes from his upbringing, and learning to be a man of honor and kindness. Our kids are great kids and many lessons that they have learned are from Gordy, and they deserve the best dad, and they have gotten that from him. In the same token, Gordy deserves great kids that would also teach him and love him unconditionally and our kids do that. They are proud of their dad, and he is proud of them.

My parents, I need to thank for showing me persistence. I think that it worries them when I cry a lot or get really upset, or discouraged with the situations that we face with this disability. They have no more answers than we do. Sometimes, what they don't understand is I don't need an answer or a fix it, I just need an ear to listen to me. They do very much, but, naturally being a parent they want to help fix my issue. I know they can't do that as much as they know. However, it is in their hearts trying to protect me. In reality telling me not to cry, or be upset is like saying don't breathe, or don't blink. It happens naturally and that is just how it is. What I want them to know, is I will be ok. Taylor will be ok. We will get through this. It is harder than anyone will know that hasn't gone through it, but I will be ok. They have taught me to be a strong person, and I think that being stubborn also helps a bit. It doesn't mean I am not going to go through depression or sadness, or that my heart won't break in a million pieces. What it does mean is that I have Faith that God will guide me through this and help me put the million pieces back together again.

I remember when my youngest sister left for college. I called my mom from work to make sure that she was okay. She was so sad and weepy on the phone. She really had a broken heart for that time. It was hard. It was her last, her baby, and now she was gone. It is similar to that. Although Taylor is not my last, he is still also my baby... and especially since he was born with this disorder. The difference is, my sister (who I love a lot) was leaving to become more successful as a person. She was going to college. She was going to get a better education from a great college. My son, is going to have a group of team meet his needs as he is high needs. He is not going to get an education but perhaps some training to read social cues, and learn how to somewhat be able to function on his own. I worry people will take advantage of him. I worry, and this is a BIG ONE, he won't need me anymore. I still don't know if he thinks I am abandoning him. It is similar in ways but so different in ways, and ways that words will never begin to describe, EVER.

My mom and dad both went through many different things in their growing up that have made them who they are. They had hardships and trials and they came out okay, and we will also. We teach our children strength weather we believe so or not, through daily living.

So, thanks everyone, that has helped form us into the people that we are. No matter how bad it gets, we, as a family will make it! We will!

Asperger's Syndrome Tip of the Day: Someone with Asperger's doesn't know how to read social cues. They don't know people's space or limits. They can't read body language well, if at all. Sometimes they don't understand social elements either, such as in a basketball game where guys smack each other's rear ends, to him, they were either trying to hurt him, or wanting to pick a fight.

For those of you that live out of town and asked how you could donate

2008-06-08T06:36:00.000-07:00

We appreciate it. I will see if this keeps itself updated. If not, I will update. Thanks for asking how you could help. Also, if you would rather, there is an address on the side bar how to send a card to Taylor with words of encouragement. Also, if you would like to email him at Bakingawish@yahoo.com, we will also be printing those off for him and taking them when we go to visit him.

The alarming rate in the growth of autism

2008-06-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

They now say that one out of every 150 kids will have autism, here in the U.S.! This is simply devastating with such a high growth rate. There is a lot in the news about autism being developed by a shot given to our children. I do believe that this is true in some cases. I don't think that this is my son's case, but can't ignore those that have seen this in their children. It is very sad!

How our mind forgets things as we get old....

2008-06-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

As we were at the hospital with Taylor yesterday, we were having a conversation with his counselor. Taylor decided to attend the session with us which is the first time since he has been there. I was impressed. I wasn't feeling well due to my stomach issues at hand, so although I was listening, I was not really whole heartedly all there. I was more into just watching Taylor play with Carlie on the floor, and that was good enough for me, I let Gordon, momentarily handle the rest of it.

Since we have moved to Salem, Taylor has been going by the name Jonathan. That is his given name, and Taylor is his middle name. When he switched schools, and they started doing roll call, they would call him Jonathan, and he would just let it be, as once again his communication skills aren't the best and he doesn't like to stand out in a crowd. On one hand it was fine with me, so I never through a fit or anything like that about it. It was his name after all.... yet, a part of me did hurt. His biological father's name is John, and he has done (NOTHING) for our son, and I thought, why should that man that hasn't invested a moment of his time into our son get such recognition. However, I don't want to be a bitter woman. There are good things about the name Jonathan also... my dad's middle name is John, and his grandfather who's name is also John... so as with many things in life, there is the good with the bad, and that is what I want to go with... the good! Some of the hard parts of Taylor's life have been with him always. Some other hard parts of Taylor's life have come and been with him during his period of going by Jonathan. Again, a grain of salt, but still there.

I hear her fully but I am pretty transfixed on Taylor. I am trying to memorize his words and his actions until I can see him again next week. Give me some memories for when I am at home laying in bed crying and missing you. He is playing pac man with Carlie and explaining that it doesn't have volume on it. I hear the counselor say that as of the day before (Thursday) that Jonathan had decided that he wanted to be called Taylor. Now, he has always been Taylor at home with us... always. But to hear those words make my heart just so happy. I asked him to make sure. He siad yes, that was his decision. So now, our son is back to Taylor!!!! Legally he will always be a Jonathan. When he is 18, if he chooses, he can also change his last name to Toyama without having to have any sort of permission from his biological father.

We visited with Taylor. We had brought him in some more soap, shampoo, toothpaste, face wash and things like that so we labeled them all. We also brought in snacks for his snack drawer and labeled all those. He wanted us to go to his room and visited. Now the rooms that we speak of, are just squares with a bed in there (Taylor just has a mattress on the floor. During one of his meltdowns, he took apart his bed with no tools. He unscrewed everything with his fingers. They are like captains beds... very solid wood.) They had to remove it from his room as they can't have anything in there that would hurt him. Sooooo.... for now, until they can get his bed back together, he has a mattress on the floor). He has a couple of photos on the the wall that he has colored, but other than that, just a mattress on the floor. He does have his comforter and pillows from home. (That reminds me, mental note, need to take some lavender spray for his pillows at night, as it might make him feel more at home and help him sleep). So, restitution for pulling the bed apart, helping the maintenance man put it back together and also helping him do some other projects on the unit. In reality, I bet Taylor is acting like it is restitution, but in reality he LOVES doing things like this and he is going to be loving it!!!

Carlie immediately got on the bed and starting playing with Taylor, jumping on him and having a good time. They were laughing and giggling. They started getting pretty loud. It made me cry when Carlie saw Taylor as she was sO excited that she started doing this really high pitched squeal and jumping. He was behind a locked door, so she couldn't get to him yet, but she was just squealing so loud. He kept waiving to her through the window and he had the biggest smile. It made me feel so blessed my kids love each other so very much. Amanda sent us a photo of herself on the cell phone... it was her, holding up a piece of paper that said, I (insert a big heart here) U Taylor! Again, it is amazing to me how much our kids love each other. He got a few tears welling in his eyes off of that one, but never let them out.

Back to the conversation with the counselor about Taylor's sudden need for a name change. I then focused on Gordy and Jessie, his counselor. We talked about how we really hadn't pushed him to go by Taylor when he decided everyone at school would know him as Jonathan. We talked about wanting Taylor to feel comfortable in his own skin. We even talked about (and if my siblings are reading this, I know you are shaking your heads, along with my folks....) how I wanted to change my name in high school, never to my middle name, and let me say, I went on this kick, three times. Gordon then started telling a story that I had totally forgot that brought back so many memories. (Am I so old that my mind forgets everything, even important things so quickly?...... don't answer that!) There was a time that my husband and I knew that we would marry. We wanted the kids, since they were old enough, we felt, to pick which name they wanted to go by, what their opinions were. They could go by their legal last name, or they could go by Gordon's if they chose to do so. Amanda right away decided to go by Gordon's last name. Taylor on the other hand, wanted it all.... he wanted to go by his last name, and Gordy's. Not only that, he also wanted to go by Gordy's first and middle names, and his own and it went something like this. Jonathan Gordon Taylor Keith Medelez Toyama. At the time Gordy and I would laugh and laugh, but we told him that he had to cut it down a bit. What an important thing in my life I had forgotten, and it speaks volumes of how much he loves his dad. My heart filled with so much love from that memory yesterday.

We left after our visit with him yesterday. He seemed a bit bored with us, and it was about time to eat lunch and we didn't want for him to miss that. He walked us to the door that locks him in. He gave Carlie a hug, Me a hug, Carlie a hug, Gordy a hug and Carlie a hug. We talked about having a great week so we can go outside next week for a picnic as Amanda and Spencer are going with us so we can celebrate Amanda's birthday! I am hoping Spencer brings his camera and can do some family type shots for us. I am hoping it is sunny. We talked about how much we love him. We talked about how he is ALWAYS our son! We said good bye. As we leave, my body becomes numb again. A part of ME is stuck in that building, in that hospital. I leave a part of me there every time and I begin to go back to that numb state.

We got a call from the hospital in the afternoon. Apparently a few hours after we left, Taylor kicked out the plexi glass window from his room. I am not sure how he did it as his mattress is on the floor and the window is at least four feet up. They said he cut up his foot and they had to have the nurse come over and look at it. He was hobbling around on it. When the had to have a sit down with him, to find out if it was out of boredom or frustration, he told them, I didn't want my family to leave. Again, heartbreaking for a mom to hear. Again, trying to be strong, but feel a bit more numb! I talked to him twice after that call last night. i stayed calm, calm is good for Taylor even when I feel in hysterics. I told him how much it hurts for my heart to walk out of that hospital without him, and that we all feel the same as he does, but we have to reach deep inside and be strong, We have to do what is best for him and his future. He seemed to understand, but he doesn't show tons of emotions unless we are in that meltdown stage or having a great time stage. In my heart, I feel he knows he is loved.

For Today.....

2008-06-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

Just for a couple of hours. That would be about 120 minutes.... and that would be in about 2 hours, I get to see my son. I will get to hug him, I will get to kiss him and just be near him. Today, for that amount of time, I will focus on nothing but him. Today I am so lucky. So for now, it is time to get ready and go be with my son. I know a lot of tears will be shed. I know I won't want to leave. But for now, I just need to get ready to go see my son!

Making friends

2008-06-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

I just want to remind others, that I am giving tips of the day on autism and Asperger's Syndrome, yet, each child, each case can be different. These are stories of my son. These are stories about our life. Obviously they are all going to vary from home to home or person to person.

Most people with Asperger's have real issues when it comes to making friends. They think so differently, that it is hard for people to relate to them. In most cases, and in Taylor's case until only recently, he was the same way. He could care less if someone liked him or not. He had better things to do with his time. There are match box cars, legos, pokeman cards, video games and computer games. Who could want more?????

Since most of the people really don't care, then there are some things that go along with that. They don't care what their hair looks like, or if they have taken a shower or brushed their teeth. There really is not a point in their mind. It may be a part of their routine, as implemented by the family, but if that was not there, then, it would never happen.

Our Taylor has been wanting to make friends in the past couple of years. He really fell into the wrong crowd when a group of kids said that he could be their friend and they would protect him from the bullies. GREAT.... right? What every mother wants, someone sticking up for her son. Well these kids were very unsupervised kids whose parents don't give a darn about them. There were MANY issues. Taylor learned the hard way that they were using him. They took advantage of him. They used him and threatened him if he ever ratted them out. We went to the school about this. We did everything that we could, even getting the police involved. Where did that lead us???? Telephone calls in the middle of the night that were vulgar and threatening. We had one mother come to my home wanting to beat me up as I kept sending the police each time she would harbor my disabled child each time he ran away due to not being able to communicate. It was a HUGE mess!!!!

That then led Taylor into seeking friendships to people that were nice to him. Sometimes we are nice to people because it is the right thing to do, not because we want to be best buds with them. We have some people that really were trying to be nice to our son, and our son took that as them being his closest friends. They were over at our home often, so it was natural for them to connect with him. Now the social part of things however.... for example, as examples are the best. We had a birthday party for Taylor. He wanted it to be a poker party so that is what we did. We had a kitty of junk food.... chips, popcorn, sodas, candy, etc....etc... etc.... We invited people over that had been over to our home many times before and considered a part of our family. They were here to celebrate Taylor. We had the roughest time getting Taylor off of the computer. The social skills just aren't there. It was hard to watch but we kept trying to re direct him.

He would then run to these people when he wasn't able to communicate. He would run to them when he would no longer want to go to school for frustration in failing grades and for being bullied, and for fear. Instead of now sitting with those people that he wants to be his friend, he would get their attention and run from them also. It makes no sense to someone like you or I, yet, that is Taylor and that is how his brain works.

Autism Tip of the day! Early signs of autism in a small child are movements that repeat themselves. For many, this is flapping their hands. For some, it is clapping their hands often, and my son did this when he was small... for everything, he clapped. Sometimes it is a slow and steady rocking movement, and sometimes it is sitting on the floor and turning on their heineys in circles. I don't know if it was a sign of autism or not, but my son used to slobber on himself a lot when he was smaller. I would say that persisted until he was 7 or 8 a lot, but got somewhat better and stopped pretty much at 10. If he gets really worked up now, he will slobber from time to time.

The Race Where He Was A Winner

2008-06-05T01:07:00.000-07:00

Here it is at after 1 AM and I am up from a not so good dream, can't go back to sleep, so it is time to write about a memory of Taylor that will be a lesson in life for me always.

Taylor is fast! He can run really fast, but is better at long distance running rather than sprinting like Amanda is. He was in the boys and girls club track for a couple of years in Jr. High School and loved it. He did really well. So well that one year he qualified for the Hershey Meet, and he went to the State competition that was held in Eugene Oregon. His age group was from like 12-16 year olds, if I remember correctly.

The big day came. We gathered as a family. At the time we were the host family for two Japanese International Students that were studying at OSU for a year. We invited them to go with us also. We all loaded in the van very early in the morning! We headed for Eugene with high hopes and high spirits. Our son was at a state track tournament.

If you have been a friend of the family you would know that Taylor was always very small for his age. So small in fact that as he was in the 5th or 6th grade, he was like 50 or 60 lbs. His voice, didn't start changing until about two years ago. He was always just slow growing.

When we got to the meet, and we saw the size of the kids in his age group, we worried for him. He was about 4 and a half feet tall to five feet, and one of his competitors was about 6 feet tall if not taller. The others weren't that much smaller than the tallest boy. I remember a flash glance from Gordy. We said not one word but of encouragement to Taylor. Taylor seemed unaware of the differences or what advantages it would give the older boys. They were on the high end of the age range and he was on the low. The same went for size also.

The line up came for his race, which was the mile. As we stood in the crowd, it was so odd looking at the runners, you could hardly see Taylor as they hovered over him. He was just a little guy. From the moment of the race, and shot, the taller, older boys were ahead of Taylor. He kept going. They were putting further and further distance between themselves and Taylor, yet Taylor seemed so unaffected by the disadvantage. He just kept running. It finally happened, they started passing him, meaning they were a whole lap ahead of Taylor. The first person crossed the finish line and Taylor had over a lap to go. You could tell he was hot and he was tired. I thought at any minute he was going to fall over from heat or exhaustion. As the first person crossed the finish line, the international students, Risa and Mayu looked at us, and at that moment we were all on the same page, our hearts hurt for Taylor. He kept plugging along. He never lost hope. He never gave up. As he did that last lap, you could hear my husband rooting him on. I sat, with tears in my eyes at first, at the sheer love and compassion that my husband has for our son. I then heard Amanda, and then Mayu and Risa. We stood united as a family to encourage Taylor to not give up, to never give up. The crowd also started clapping for him and cheering him on the last quarter lap. He crossed the line and his dad was waiting there with a hug for him. He was such a good sport, going to the other young men and shaking their hands. Here we were all emotional and worried for Taylor and he was just so excited to get his shirt and have his picture taken with the scoreboard in the back that would have his name in lights on it.

God give me strength to always run the race even if I am in last place. Let me learn by my son's determination. Let him understand, sometime God, please let him understand the love and devotion of his family that cares about him and will always be sitting at the finish line with a hug and encouragement no matter how long it takes him to cross that line.

God, thanks SOOOOO much for such a wonderful and caring man that I have in Gordon to encourage and guide our children. Thank you for the love that my girls have for Taylor and each other. You bless me with these gifts. Give me strength, courage and direction. I need all these things now.

Aspergers Syndrome/ Autism Tip of the day: Routine. Somebody with Autism works best in a world of strictly routine. It is best that they get up at the same time each day, eat at the same time and keep their meals at the same time, along with chores and other rituals in their daily lives. Sometimes because of the non communicative portion of the disability it gets really tricky when the routine is not met. If I am late getting home or if dinner is not ready at the right time, since he needs that routine and he lacks the ability to communicate his frustration with me, or the situation, a meltdown would happen. Life happens where, although we try to live this routing to the best of our ability, there are times we are not able to do so, and it is a set back for our son.

Baking A Wish One Day At A Time For Autism, Asperger's Syndrome

Stay strong Taylor....

Dear Tay.... today is the day....

And then there was you.......

Hey Tay!

So much for the all you can eat pasta at olive garden

Larry and Renee

Today is the day....

Today I took Tay back...

A day of being siblings...

I can't wait to hug you today buddy!

The *R* word, help stop it now...

Would I change a thing?

Music to Listen to while browsing out blog

I am so lonely for him....

Home for the weekend

Come on Tay... keep it together buddy! You can do this!

Some issues

Sorry for the lack of keeping this up lately!

I was just thinking about our neighbors....

Weekend home with our Taylor. A family affair!

Good Bye Miss Jessie

Thanks for asking the update on Tay's funds

And Let there be jerky!

Let me help at least one person in this life....

Hope you had a fun weekend Taylor!

A thankful heart to many, and an admiration to our friend Alex

Good Morning Son

STOP THE R WORD

We go together!

The next step...

A date with you today!

Had some busy days!

A cry baby miss you day! An I am so proud of you kind of day!

2nd post for the day, please read the following post below this

Great quote for the day.

For all of our blog followers in surrounding areas Krispy Kreme

Hello Tay, my son and forever friend

18 days level 3 according to taylor going for level four

My best way to understand the confusion

For those that are requesting about donating

Strawberry Pretzel Salad

The day after is hard

Good Bye Buddy... it was a good time!

Smiles everyone, smiles!

Welcome Home For The 4th Of July Buddy!

Would I lead the same path of life again to get here?

Tay, the countdown is on Buddy

Guess who is Phoenix of the week?

In This Life

What is the Greatness that we teach our children?

Dear Bubby, from Carlie

Sometimes there are just angels amoung us....

Do we ever throw ourselves away?

Let there be sushi, and 4 wonderful hours!

Taylor gets an outing!

Today starts a benefit yardsale for Taylor's Trip

When people go above and beyond what is expected....

This Child of Mine By Sally Meyer

Update on Disneyland Fund For Taylor's Wish

Coutries visiting our site.

Do you remember when?.......

Who Loves Ya Baby?

Visiting Taylor

Christ, I give you my son

More in depth on my group therapy for Autism

Support Group Last night!!!!

Tonight Potluck for my FIRST support group meeting

Labels and how they can make us feel.

Today is the day I just have to force myself to do it.

Always hugs for big brother!

My Grandpa Dave and Taylor

Language:

Cognition

Behavior

Sometimes Autism Is Silent

Missing Pieces by

People with Autism have people who love them...

Demarle Baking Product Drawing When Donating!

Good night Taylor

The R word, help stop it now...