Saturday, June 7, 2008

How our mind forgets things as we get old....

As we were at the hospital with Taylor yesterday, we were having a conversation with his counselor. Taylor decided to attend the session with us which is the first time since he has been there. I was impressed. I wasn't feeling well due to my stomach issues at hand, so although I was listening, I was not really whole heartedly all there. I was more into just watching Taylor play with Carlie on the floor, and that was good enough for me, I let Gordon, momentarily handle the rest of it.

Since we have moved to Salem, Taylor has been going by the name Jonathan. That is his given name, and Taylor is his middle name. When he switched schools, and they started doing roll call, they would call him Jonathan, and he would just let it be, as once again his communication skills aren't the best and he doesn't like to stand out in a crowd. On one hand it was fine with me, so I never through a fit or anything like that about it. It was his name after all.... yet, a part of me did hurt. His biological father's name is John, and he has done (NOTHING) for our son, and I thought, why should that man that hasn't invested a moment of his time into our son get such recognition. However, I don't want to be a bitter woman. There are good things about the name Jonathan also... my dad's middle name is John, and his grandfather who's name is also John... so as with many things in life, there is the good with the bad, and that is what I want to go with... the good! Some of the hard parts of Taylor's life have been with him always. Some other hard parts of Taylor's life have come and been with him during his period of going by Jonathan. Again, a grain of salt, but still there.

I hear her fully but I am pretty transfixed on Taylor. I am trying to memorize his words and his actions until I can see him again next week. Give me some memories for when I am at home laying in bed crying and missing you. He is playing pac man with Carlie and explaining that it doesn't have volume on it. I hear the counselor say that as of the day before (Thursday) that Jonathan had decided that he wanted to be called Taylor. Now, he has always been Taylor at home with us... always. But to hear those words make my heart just so happy. I asked him to make sure. He siad yes, that was his decision. So now, our son is back to Taylor!!!! Legally he will always be a Jonathan. When he is 18, if he chooses, he can also change his last name to Toyama without having to have any sort of permission from his biological father.

We visited with Taylor. We had brought him in some more soap, shampoo, toothpaste, face wash and things like that so we labeled them all. We also brought in snacks for his snack drawer and labeled all those. He wanted us to go to his room and visited. Now the rooms that we speak of, are just squares with a bed in there (Taylor just has a mattress on the floor. During one of his meltdowns, he took apart his bed with no tools. He unscrewed everything with his fingers. They are like captains beds... very solid wood.) They had to remove it from his room as they can't have anything in there that would hurt him. Sooooo.... for now, until they can get his bed back together, he has a mattress on the floor). He has a couple of photos on the the wall that he has colored, but other than that, just a mattress on the floor. He does have his comforter and pillows from home. (That reminds me, mental note, need to take some lavender spray for his pillows at night, as it might make him feel more at home and help him sleep). So, restitution for pulling the bed apart, helping the maintenance man put it back together and also helping him do some other projects on the unit. In reality, I bet Taylor is acting like it is restitution, but in reality he LOVES doing things like this and he is going to be loving it!!!

Carlie immediately got on the bed and starting playing with Taylor, jumping on him and having a good time. They were laughing and giggling. They started getting pretty loud. It made me cry when Carlie saw Taylor as she was sO excited that she started doing this really high pitched squeal and jumping. He was behind a locked door, so she couldn't get to him yet, but she was just squealing so loud. He kept waiving to her through the window and he had the biggest smile. It made me feel so blessed my kids love each other so very much. Amanda sent us a photo of herself on the cell phone... it was her, holding up a piece of paper that said, I (insert a big heart here) U Taylor! Again, it is amazing to me how much our kids love each other. He got a few tears welling in his eyes off of that one, but never let them out.

Back to the conversation with the counselor about Taylor's sudden need for a name change. I then focused on Gordy and Jessie, his counselor. We talked about how we really hadn't pushed him to go by Taylor when he decided everyone at school would know him as Jonathan. We talked about wanting Taylor to feel comfortable in his own skin. We even talked about (and if my siblings are reading this, I know you are shaking your heads, along with my folks....) how I wanted to change my name in high school, never to my middle name, and let me say, I went on this kick, three times. Gordon then started telling a story that I had totally forgot that brought back so many memories. (Am I so old that my mind forgets everything, even important things so quickly?...... don't answer that!) There was a time that my husband and I knew that we would marry. We wanted the kids, since they were old enough, we felt, to pick which name they wanted to go by, what their opinions were. They could go by their legal last name, or they could go by Gordon's if they chose to do so. Amanda right away decided to go by Gordon's last name. Taylor on the other hand, wanted it all.... he wanted to go by his last name, and Gordy's. Not only that, he also wanted to go by Gordy's first and middle names, and his own and it went something like this. Jonathan Gordon Taylor Keith Medelez Toyama. At the time Gordy and I would laugh and laugh, but we told him that he had to cut it down a bit. What an important thing in my life I had forgotten, and it speaks volumes of how much he loves his dad. My heart filled with so much love from that memory yesterday.

We left after our visit with him yesterday. He seemed a bit bored with us, and it was about time to eat lunch and we didn't want for him to miss that. He walked us to the door that locks him in. He gave Carlie a hug, Me a hug, Carlie a hug, Gordy a hug and Carlie a hug. We talked about having a great week so we can go outside next week for a picnic as Amanda and Spencer are going with us so we can celebrate Amanda's birthday! I am hoping Spencer brings his camera and can do some family type shots for us. I am hoping it is sunny. We talked about how much we love him. We talked about how he is ALWAYS our son! We said good bye. As we leave, my body becomes numb again. A part of ME is stuck in that building, in that hospital. I leave a part of me there every time and I begin to go back to that numb state.

We got a call from the hospital in the afternoon. Apparently a few hours after we left, Taylor kicked out the plexi glass window from his room. I am not sure how he did it as his mattress is on the floor and the window is at least four feet up. They said he cut up his foot and they had to have the nurse come over and look at it. He was hobbling around on it. When the had to have a sit down with him, to find out if it was out of boredom or frustration, he told them, I didn't want my family to leave. Again, heartbreaking for a mom to hear. Again, trying to be strong, but feel a bit more numb! I talked to him twice after that call last night. i stayed calm, calm is good for Taylor even when I feel in hysterics. I told him how much it hurts for my heart to walk out of that hospital without him, and that we all feel the same as he does, but we have to reach deep inside and be strong, We have to do what is best for him and his future. He seemed to understand, but he doesn't show tons of emotions unless we are in that meltdown stage or having a great time stage. In my heart, I feel he knows he is loved.

1 comment:

Didi said...

Those goodbyes are the worst aren't they? But your last sentence is beautiful...and one that I tell myself a variation of often....yes I may have not done everything perfectly...but I KNOW that my boys have NO DOUBT that I love them more than anything and nothing can change that.