Sunday, August 31, 2008

Today is the day....

Today is the day that we go to meet the family that run the transitional home that Tay will be living in until he is 18 years old. I have known this day is coming, yet, I want to put my head under the covers and just not deal with it. How is that for honesty? I am nervous for him. I am scared. I am confused. I don't feel as focused as I need to be. I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS!!! I don't let him see my fears. I try to encourage him.

Gordy took Taylor by their home yesterday to calm his fears a little bit. Apparently during a talk that they were having, Taylor started to cry. It just breaks my heart for him. I am also afraid that he will start to run when he gets frustrated. I am afraid that he is going to regress. I am afraid that when he runs, he will run to our home, and I will have to answer the door and tell him that he isn't able to be here at that time. Gosh, all of these thoughts run through my head constantly.

Last night we went to get some dinner, just Tay and I. On the way home he wanted to contact his biological grandparents from his paternal side. I don't even have their phone number and it is not listed. It hurts my heart for him. He was asking if he would have foster brothers. I told him this was not a foster home where his parents didn't want him or are abusive towards him, that this is a transitional home, just trying to get him back to our home, where he belongs. I am not sure he knows the difference, as his brain isn't exactly wired to understand more complicated things at times.

I am nervous in the back of my head, that since Taylor is not in a lock down facility such as the Parry Center that he is in for medical treatment, that he will start to run again. I am afraid of his dangerous behaviors. I am afraid of him making poor choices in friends again as they are waiting for someone weak like Taylor in decision making. How could people be so cruel? It simply amazes me.

Please keep my family in prayer. We want all that is good for our son. We want him to be happy and healthy and productive and safe. I am so afraid right now. I don't want to cry, as I am afraid as soon as that happens, I won't be able to stop crying. If God would just let me take some of this confusion for him, or let me take some of the hurt for him, I would in a second.

I asked God if everything was going to be ok for Taylor, to give me a sign. All of a sudden a beautiful blue bird landed on our deck and sang for about 5 minutes, and he sang LOUD. I am not sure that this is a sign or not... but in my heart I want to accept it as a sign. His discharge meeting is supposed to happen on the 11th of the month. He is supposed to be discharges as soon as the 15th of the month. I have court that day. Just keep us close to prayer please. I am most worried about Taylor of course.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Today I took Tay back...

The drive to the center was a nice ride. Tay was talkative and it made time go by quickly. I love when he is talkative as that is not often.

Some things I am writing about as I don't want to forget. It was interesting to listen to him talk about how he wanted to *mac* our car out. He was saying he wanted to get it painted when he gets a job, and get detailing on it and rims, such as spinners...???? It was just something that caught my attention as we drive a camry... not a car you would see that with. But that is what he wants. The really interesting thing about it is, he keeps talking about getting a job to do so.

Another thing that was interesting to hear him talk about. He said he would love to get an old time school bus (his words, not mine) and convert it to have a bed in it, or a couple of beds. He would like to travel the whole U.S. in the bus with friends. He stated that everyone could pitch in. Again, not thinking that people would have to work to afford to pitch in and it just isn't a reality. It is fun to listen to him talk about his ideas though.

His therapist called me and asked me to send some toys back with him. He is sleeping a lot there which is most likely a sign of depression creeping back in, but they also recently changed some meds... so who knows which. He is bored with his current toys. So as I was driving he pulled out his toys he brought. He packed about 60 match box cars, and three transformers. He was so very excited about it. He was pulling each car out and telling me about it.

I just didn't want to ever forget todays conversations, so wanted to log it. Also, he called Kev to wish him a happy birthday. He didn't get through so he was disappointed. He said he would call him later this week.

A day of being siblings...

It is always really good to have all of our kids in one single spot. It is when I feel the most content. Taylor is constantly wanting to spend time with his older sister and it is so nice to see that she and Spencer make time for him. He spent the afternoon with them yesterday. He had a great time. He is so disappointed that he has to go back to Portland today. He assumed since we got him last week for an extra day to catch him up on some medical appointments, that we would naturally get to keep him like that each week. It breaks my heart to tell him no.

Taylor was telling sis yesterday about his new home. (His transitional home through DD *disability* services) He said how afraid he is to go there. Oh, it just breaks my heart for him. I know that all of the changes are going to be really difficult for him as he, and others with his disorder, do not react well to change.

My hopes and dreams are still that he knows that none of this has to do with not loving him, but that we are doing this as we love him more than anything and need him to gain some of the living skills needed to get along in this world... just to get by even.

It really is difficult for me to know that there is going to be a day that I will not be here for him due to his special needs. I need to know in my heart that he will be able to care for himself somewhat. He might need additional services for that, but I would be failing him as a mother and as a parent if I did not try to accomplish those goals. It is hard enough to know you won't be there to be able to let them vent, or cry on your shoulder and things of that nature. However, not knowing he was able to cook something for himself safely, walk across the street safely *even if he is mad*, be able to get to work on time, knowing how to work and set his alarm clock and be responsible, and things of that nature.... you know... it would be really hard. I know that our girls will love him and visit him, help take care of him in a nurturing way, because that is how our girls are. I sometimes think how hard it would be if G leaves this earth before I do. Not only the biggest heart ache of my life, but I am so afraid of how my kids are going to hurt too. The girls love their dad so much also, and we would all need to go through that grieving process. However, poor Tay would have an awful time beyond anything. I just can't imagine it. It hurts my heart. It sounds so morbid to think of and it is, to be honest. However, when you see your child struggle with such small issues in life, death of someone that he truly loves with all his heart, that is going to be the worst devastation ever!

School starts soon. The paper work for his discharge is supposed to be around September 15th 2008. He has no idea about the vacation that we have diligently been working on to get him to the wish he gave his sister of going to Disneyland, and local attractions. Nearly $6,000 needed in five months is a challenge, that is for sure! Thanks for all the donations and help from our followers of this blog and everyone buying jerky and bake sale items.

A lot of people are writing and somewhat afraid to ask us a question about our son. We are more than happy to answer anything for you, or my daughter as she is more aware of some of the resources that she is coming up with. The resources on our page that google posts for us will lead to other resources also. That is the purpose of us posting them, to share our knowledge and wealth through all of this. We want people to be also aware that our son is a human being. He might have a disability, but he is a young man with thoughts and feelings. He wants friends, he wants to be accepted. He is not bad, but sometimes his choices are poor. (Many teens make poor choices without having a disability). We want people to know we love our son just the way he is, but strive to get him help for his future to be bright and hopeful.

We will be having a Krispy Kreme Doughnut sale in September, on the 21st of the month, and we will also have jerky available for sale near the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. If you know of anyone interested in pre orders let me know. The cost of the doughnuts is $8 per dozen. Not much more than what the grocery stores now charge. All the profit will also go towards helping spread autism awareness and also finish up paying for his wish to get his whole family together for one last vacation to a place that he loves.

Friday, August 22, 2008

I can't wait to hug you today buddy!

I am so excited. I know that I will get to see Taylor tonight when my husband brings him home. That is always a day I look forward to during the week. I think that our daughter Amanda and her boyfriend are going to take him to the fair this weekend on Saturday. I am sure he will love that.

I have a lot of jerky to sell this weekend. My friend Sandie is helping us. I also need to figure out a place that we will be selling the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. We will do that in September....

On my way out the door for work now.... blessings to all...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The *R* word, help stop it now...

This is a video that I saw on a new friend's page and it just struck home so much. Please stop this silliness now. It starts with one person and having that person educate others.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Would I change a thing?

Carlie waking from a nap while visiting bub at
the Parry Center.....

This is a spot in our back yard that the owners
before us had a large above ground pool. This
is ours.... Tay, sis and Dad........

I have received questions from time to time if I could go back and change Tay, would I? That is a double edged sword. My first answer would be yes, in a heart beat. I think that both Gordy and myself just cringe at the hardships that our son has faced, and we know that this is not going to change anytime soon. We love him and we want him to flourish and we want him to be happy, and healthy. For us, I think that happy and healthy both go hand in hand. So yes, to save my son from this, what mother or father wouldn't want this.

BUT.... and this is a BIG BUT

On the other hand, NEVER would I change him if it were for myself or for our family. God made Taylor; Taylor! He is who he is. His wires of his brain aren't attached the same as ours are (so to speak and for the purpose of a visual only...) If I were to wish that differently a couple of things would take place. First of all, I feel like I would be saying that Taylor wasn't good enough, and that is so far from the truth. Also, God gives us blessings. Taylor is one of our three blessings. Who would I be to say that this blessing was less than a miracle or miraculous? Who would I be to deny that God had this plan for Taylor by forming him in my womb? I believe that this child of mine is such a gift, and such a blessing and I will love him through his strengths and his weaknesses.

One scripture in the bible that my mind often wonders to when I think of God entrusting this young man's life to us, Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. That touches my heart and soul so very much. God knows Taylor's future. I think that He also knew that Gordy would be the perfect dad for our son when his biological father failed him. There was a plan.

There are days that putting one step in front of the other for me is difficult. Sometimes I just DON'T want to. I then think of our kids needing us, and I know that I must.

I love my son. I want his happiness to surpass his confusion. I want to be by his side the whole way. God is guiding us, Gordy, the girls and I, even when it feels like we are adrift at sea, meeting the crashing waves against our ship... but we keep our eyes to the heavens and to the shore, where our son is.

Blessings to all of our family and friends (who are also our family). With all of the changes about to occur for our son, we know that there may be some regressions about to take place. Please put him in your prayers and keep us there too. A strong person knows when to ask for prayer, and I know we will need each of them.

Music to Listen to while browsing out blog


Monday, August 18, 2008

I am so lonely for him....

Today I had to take my son back. I miss him already. It is really difficult for me to take him there and leave without him. I just want to grab him and hold him and say NO! I want to say, pack your stuff up and let's go home. However, that is not to be yet. The next stage is the transitional home and that is coming up more rapidly than we had imagined. I am trying to prepare myself for that.

When growing up, the word foster home, in my mind, meant that a child had parents that didn't care for him/her, or were drug abusers, or child abusers. It is such a big pill to swallow as my son will be in a foster home. UGGG!!! Drives me crazy to know that the stereo type probably still applies. For us, that is so far from the truth. We love Taylor. We want everything that is good for Taylor. He is our heart and our soul. I just feel so sad about it in that aspect. However, he is going to a great family in our area and that is good. They are supposed to have a lot of experience with kids and the system. We will be able to see him a lot more.

Thanks all that follow this and everyone that writes comments or sends us email. It helps keep us going.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Home for the weekend

Tay is home for the weekend. I have not seen him yet, as I was over visiting a very sick friend at her home. The boys were supposed to call me when they got home. When I hadn't heard from them, I got a bit nervous and called home. I woke my husband and he said Tay had fallen asleep also. I have not seen him to this point. Gordy said that his face is pretty banged up as well as some big scrapes on his knees and legs. That makes me pretty nervous to see him tomorrow. I hate to see my kids hurt. I am very nervous to see him. I just need to stay calm and not react. That is very difficult for me at times.

Taylor will be going to a transitional home soon. I have such mixed emotions about it to be honest. I am excited for him as he really wants to get out of the Perry Center, but they know that he is not ready to come home yet. I am really excited that he will be in our town which is closer for us and we will be able to see him more readily. That will be so wonderful. I am nervous that he is familiar with the area and will be more apt to start running away again. I have high hopes and expectations for him, but I am still very nervous and scared.

We have heard wonderful things about the home that he will be living in. That makes me happy. I also feel bad, that he will have someone that will be acting as a mother figure. I want that to be my job. I know it sounds so selfish, but, he is my son. I love him.... it is hard. Keep him in prayer please!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Come on Tay... keep it together buddy! You can do this!

Another day of horrible outbursts for Taylor. It just breaks my heart. He was doing so well. Each night at about this same time, he is having really bad outbursts at the center. This is the fourth night this week. This terrifies me. I am not sure if it is his medications or if it is the fact that his therapist has gone to a new job, or C) none of the above. All I know is that Taylor is regressing and this is not a good thing. I didn't sleep one wink last night, just sitting up worrying about him.

I am not sure if he will be able to come home tomorrow or not. I was looking forward to seeing him. I just wish I could understand, if for only one second, how his brain thinks. It is terrifying to me. I want to protect him from things that are going to hurt him. I want to protect him from himself. Just when he seems to have most of the rage under control, he regresses.

They say it is at the same time of night each night, so perhaps it has to do with meds. I am not sure what it is, but I just know I am him mom and I want nothing other than for him to be ok.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Some issues

We talked to a staff member at the center this evening. Apparently there are some issues going on with Tay there. On Sunday night apparently he ran away at the center for a short amount of time. This is not a good sign. He came back on his own accord, which is good, but none the less, there are some issues going on. He also had to have a hold two nights in a row. The first night, I guess he was fighting the hold pretty bad and ended up getting cut on the cheek. I am very worried about him. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Sorry for the lack of keeping this up lately!

Our lives are thrust into the FAST lane! With being back to work and very little time to take care of myself when I get home let alone my family, leaves very little time to blog. We get to spend time with Taylor on the weekend so I am also occupied at that time too. I am not complaining as that is what I want. I love my time with the kids together. That is what being a mother is.

Gordy goes in on Friday for a follow up with Marion County New Solutions on Friday. I am not sure if his DD worker will be there or not. We are anxious to find out if there is going to be alternative placement for him. He is anxious for that also.

It is a bit ironic to be honest. The two homes that harbored him when he would run, both families have moved now. Well, not officially... one has moved and the other one has their home for sale. Why oh why could they have not moved before last year and just have left my son alone. I really do think that they had a lot to do with him getting so out of control with his behaviors this past year. I know meds also had a lot to do with it.

Tay earned a scooter at the center and he is so proud of it. It is wood also on the platform where you put your feet. He loves it. He brought it home this past weekend. He enjoys it...

This weekend he will be home for four days... well, three basically. Gordy will pick him up on Friday. We will get him for the weekend. Then on Monday I will need to take him to the dentist and orthodontist, and then run him back to Portland. I am not too fond of driving in the traffic in Portland, but have done it several times during his hospitalizations.

Just wanted to update everyone. Sorry again, I am really trying! Thanks for visiting our sponsors too.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I was just thinking about our neighbors....

Tomorrow is a block party in our neighborhood. It is hard for me as this is the first one without Taylor being home for it. He REALLY enjoys the block parties. So, as I sit here and try to figure out what I am going to bring to the party, I started thinking about what a blessing it is to live in the neighborhood that we do. We were very lucky to find such a kind set of neighbors, not really one set in particular but like five or six sets of neighbors.

Taylor loves going out and talking to all the neighbors. Especially when he gets to come home for the weekends. He likes to make his grand entrance to go see them all. It is usually one of the first things he does when he pulls into the driveway. It makes me smile. Even during the darkest times, not one of them gave us stares or dirty looks when Taylor was having his melt downs screaming and swearing at us. A couple of instances really touch my heart with the neighbors. One night Tay had run away from us. He ended up being in the street late at night and was smashing rocks to get his frustrations out. One of our neighbors, Don, came out to just talk to Taylor. He and Taylor have this connection and he listens to Don. The police were called as Taylor's behavior had them worried (can't blame them). The police was very rude to my husband and it was a mess. The police don't know what they are talking about when it comes to autism, that is just the long and short of it. So, there was Don, trying to pick up the pieces with us. I was so impressed. Taylor also loves the other men in the neighborhood, Lee, Trent and last but certainly not least, Joe. Joe's wife is the other one that has a lasting memory in my mind. On one of the first *all night* runaways, we had the police over yet again, making out a report. It was so awful. Your stomach just hurts when all of this is going on. Anyhow, we had police in our back yard looking for Tay with lights and it was just horrifying that at that moment, that was our life. How did our life get like that? Thoughts just kept racing through my head. We were checking out under the deck in the back and our neighbor, Mavis came out and asked if we were okay. I told her Taylor had run. I felt so awkward saying it, but there it was, out on the table. It was like an open wound for all to see. I expected her to go inside, yet there she stood in her house coat, calling Taylor's name. You know your heart, when you are ready to cry, how it all starts feeling warm, and you can't control it, that is what I felt. More recently, after Taylor had already left for the Parry Center, we had a garage sale. Don's wife Bonnie came over and not only did she buy things from us, but she also gave us a donation to help Taylor get to Disneyland. Lee across the street, he took Taylor to school each morning, even after his son stopped riding with them and started riding the bus. His wife Elizabeth has come over umpteen times to cheer me when all seems hopeless for that moment. I also remember going to Trent and Carrie's house across the street one night in deep desperation for help. Carry works with kids that are autistic, but more kids that are non verbal. I needed resources. She did so much leg work and came to my home a couple of days later with a list of contacts.

We are very blessed to live in the neighborhood we do live in. We live with people that really care about each other and lift each other when they are in need. I am so lucky that they are in our lives.

I still don't know what to take tomorrow.

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... mama

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Weekend home with our Taylor. A family affair!

First of all, I apologize as my blogging gets to be less and less with work now at hand. I am glad to be back, but keeping up on this is difficult. Then the weekends are all about Taylor and that is the way we want it.

We had a wonderful weekend with Taylor. There were a couple of rough spots as this was supposed to be a weekend that Taylor would be able to go on a family reunion and it got canceled one week before it was to take place. That is hard for him as he worked so hard to be able to go see his grandparents and cousins, aunts and uncles. So, we had as good of a weekend as we could under the circumstances.

One thing that stuck me by surprise: He was teasing Spencer over the weekend, calling him a mama's boy. All of a sudden, he said "Spencer, it is no big deal, I am a mama's boy too." He wasn't doing it to get my attention as he never even looked at me. He just kept going on in conversation. It has been YEARS since he has given me any indication that that bond was still in place from his point of view. It took me back. It felt REALLY REALLY good. However, in reality, I know, he, just like Carlie, are Daddy's kids. He is just as much in favor of his dad. In fact, I see their bond so much each time I am around them.
As usual, we had a water kid. He went so far as to tell his dad, that "That is what he is all about" when referring to going swimming at the pool. It made us laugh as Gordy relayed the story to me. He loves swimming so much, it is hard to get him out of the water. He had a great time swimming with the whole family.

We also went to the Pride celebration downtown and had a nice time. He grabbed bumper stickers and buttons and pens and anything he could get his hands on. It was also amusing. We saw some of our friends down there also, and that was nice.

We also went to breakfast in Stayton yesterday. Horrible service, but the best company I could ask for. Then Gordy took us out to dinner also where we met Amanda and Spencer. It was a very busy weekend trying our hardest to keep his mind off of the family reunion.

He went back today. Gordy took him back. I sit here now, and I miss him. I never feel totally "full" without him at the house. He told us yesterday that he will always live with us and he wants to live in the garage and convert it into an apartment. He will just have to live in his room, but it is interesting to listen to his perspective on things.

Our son....

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... Mama