I can't wait to hug you today buddy!

I am so excited. I know that I will get to see Taylor tonight when my husband brings him home. That is always a day I look forward to during the week. I think that our daughter Amanda and her boyfriend are going to take him to the fair this weekend on Saturday. I am sure he will love that.

I have a lot of jerky to sell this weekend. My friend Sandie is helping us. I also need to figure out a place that we will be selling the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. We will do that in September....

On my way out the door for work now.... blessings to all...

Come on Tay... keep it together buddy! You can do this!

Another day of horrible outbursts for Taylor. It just breaks my heart. He was doing so well. Each night at about this same time, he is having really bad outbursts at the center. This is the fourth night this week. This terrifies me. I am not sure if it is his medications or if it is the fact that his therapist has gone to a new job, or C) none of the above. All I know is that Taylor is regressing and this is not a good thing. I didn't sleep one wink last night, just sitting up worrying about him.

I am not sure if he will be able to come home tomorrow or not. I was looking forward to seeing him. I just wish I could understand, if for only one second, how his brain thinks. It is terrifying to me. I want to protect him from things that are going to hurt him. I want to protect him from himself. Just when he seems to have most of the rage under control, he regresses.

They say it is at the same time of night each night, so perhaps it has to do with meds. I am not sure what it is, but I just know I am him mom and I want nothing other than for him to be ok.

For those that are requesting about donating

The day after is hard

Waking up and realizing in that morning haze, that Taylor is not here, it is hard. I had such a nice visit with him getting to come home. Now we wait, we wait to see him again. It leaves an emptiness in me.

When Taylor left, he hugged me. He now towers over me and I am having to reach up to hug him. His body goes a bit limp as he is leaning on me and it is that feeling of being defeated again. Gosh, I hope that he doesn't feel defeat as that is not why he is at the hospital. We are trying all in our power to give him the proper tools to get along in life in a productive and not have self hatred for something that he has no control over. I just hugged him, and didn't want to let go. It hurt so much. He is my guy!

I called to speak to him at just a little bit before 7 p last night and he was already in bed sleeping. I needed to see how he was coping with the having to go back stage of the visit. It seems like it did not effect him as it has affected me. A good thing.

So, now we will wait until our next visit. I just miss him. He seemed to understand better some things such as personal space. That is a huge thing for him. He didn't yell at anyone. The noises of the fireworks seemed to get on his nerves and there were a couple of times he had to remove himself and did a great job of recognizing that fact. I had to do the same thing, as it got to be too much at times. Too many people and too much noise, and somewhat unorganized from years past.

So buddy, I will see you soon. I miss you so, but you are in my heart Mister! To the moon and back buddy!

Would I lead the same path of life again to get here?

I have had much on my mind, and much on my plate in the past couple year and a half or so. I start going over things in my mind over and over again, thinking, what could I have changed to have been a better person, a better mom? Would I choose that road again? Would I do it all over again? Am I satisfied where I am at? Did I learn the lessons that needed to be learned?

My answers often times confuse me. If there were easier roads, then wouldn't I just naturally want to take that road? I wish that I were the type of person that could say yes... that would be so much less stressful, let me take the easy way out next time.

Yet, I am not that person. I am the person that often times would and will take the harder road even to this day if there is a lesson or a moral behind it that I can not only learn, but hopefully pass onto others that might need that in the future.

I then look at Taylor and I think, what about him? He doesn't really understand things that we do, so I do want the road that is easier for him. I want to mother him and tell people to leave him alone and I want to put the pieces together for him. I know, however, with all the wisdom of being his mom and his number one fan, that I would surely fail my son if that was the way it were to be. I can't learn his lessons for him (damn it as I would it a minute if I could).

You hold these babies in your arms and you see them for the first time, and they take your breath away. They are the greatest gift that we will ever have in our lives. They are these little bundle of hopes and dreams and pure love. Raw love, that you will do anything to protect. My friends often called me mama bear when there were issues, and the kids tried to handle them on their own when it was with a teacher or people of that nature that wouldn't listen to them or push their feelings to the side, the mama bear in me would come out. I hope it was in a good way, and not a negative way. We as parents sometimes forget that we need to advocate for our children. We need to realize that their voices will sometimes go unheard unless we are there to make it heard. Just simply calling a meeting and making sure you are there to sit next to them, somehow makes people stop and listen.

The only regrets I feel in life that one might have or want to change in life, is making sure we right our wrongs. If we mess up in life, it is a heavy burden to carry on our backs. I think that when we learn that things were done improperly, we as adults, as caring people need to say whoa, I really messed up. I most likely caused you some grief and some sort of turmoil in your life and I want to make that right. I for one, am going to be one that I hope gets my apologies done before I am on my way to check out.

Tay, I will always be the mom I think that you deserve. I will always be your biggest fan. I will always speak the words I think you are trying to say when you can't say them. If I ever get that wrong, you WON'T HURT MY FEELINGS to correct me. I will always be here for you, in good times, and not so fun times. I will be here in times that I miss you like there is no tomorrow, and on the days where you laugh your butt off and aren't really sure why. I will listen to your stories about pokemon and dragster cars and hot rods. I will listen to how you love roller coasters. I will tell you that favorite story one more time (as many times as you like) how I went over the rainbow to get a pot of gold and the leprechauns gave me a choice of a pot of gold or you, and I went home with you. I will tell you the story time and time again how I hid pickled herring in Uncle Troy's salad at Uncle Jared's wedding and when he bit into it he started swearing (good times!) ! I will listen to you tell me how you think Uncle Troy is so cool when he tells you to stop running in and out of the house because he isn't raising monkeys from the zoo. It's all good buddy. We will get through this together and there is going to be no regrets, just great life lessons. Isn't that what we really grow from, life lessons?

To the moon and back, only 16 hours left to see you Mister! Can't wait. Mama is going to be a cooking fool today and tomorrow morning when you get here I can just spend time with you with no worries or anything to take me away from our time. I am sure you are excited to get home too. It has been a long time, but you have worked so hard for this. I am so proud of you son.

Oh, and dad said you can put up the tent trailer tomorrow night to sleep in and you boys can sleep out there, or all of us, whatever you want.
Always your mama~

Autism Tip of the Day: Many children or people that have autism, which is a disability, may have a dual diagnosis of other things that are going on also. Our son for example has ODD which is called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. As per mayo clinic . com, this is their definition of this mental health condition. Taylor doesn't do this to be bad, just the way, once again that he is built and wired, so to speak.

Even the best-behaved children can be difficult and challenging at times. Teens are often moody and argumentative. But if your child or teen has a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and angry or disruptive behaviors toward you and other authority figures, he or she may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). As many as one in 10 children may have oppositional defiant disorder in a lifetime.

Treatment of oppositional defiant disorder involves therapy and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions. As a parent, you don't have to go it alone in trying to manage a child with oppositional defiant disorder. Doctors, counselors and child development experts can help you learn specific strategies to address oppositional defiant disorder.

In This Life

This song sums it up for the way I feel for not only my wonderful and handsome son, but my devoted husband, and my two beautiful daughters. This song is sung by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Dear Bubby, from Carlie

Me dancing for mommy last week.




Me doing hula at the concert on Saturday

Dear Bubby,

Hurry up and come home to visit me. I am missing you very much. I ask mom and dad about you every single day and we talk about you. You are a really good brother and I really, really love you lots. If you were here, I would give you a big face hug. I can't wait to play with you for the 4th of July. We are going to have so much fun. I pray for you every night. Love you~ Carlie PS I made mom buy us some capri suns, popsicles and fruit snacks for when you come visit. It is going to be so fun, just like before you went to the hospital and we shared treats.

Mom and dad put my little pool up in the back
corner of the yard where they are going to put the
garden next year. I want it on the grass but they say
it will kill the grass...

This is where I was out playing on the
playground in the back yard and the
sprinkle got me wet. I was so mad. This
is after the fit I threw.

Sometimes there are just angels amoung us....

Even when we don't realize it, God works in our lives in such wonderful and enriching ways. Today I had a very nice young lady come to my home to pick up a baby item that sis was selling to earn money for Tay's vacation. When she pulled up, it was like a breath of fresh air. Diversity! Since my depression and having to take a break from work, I have not been able to focus as much on all of the really important things in my life. I so love the diversity part of my life and what we teach our kids. There are not too many people in our area that are not caucasion. Not that being caucasion is all that bad, mind you... but I just strive for difference and long for striving to piece us all together as humans. I feel segregated at times when there isn't the diversity in my life and that is the last thing that I want.

Here stands this sweet, nice, and very sincere young lady that just had it all together. I was busy getting things done around the house and looked a mess.... and she didn't bat an eye. We talked about our kids and our husbands and our jobs, and religion. Imagine this all in a 10 minute time frame, well... okay maybe 15 minutes. It just touched my heart so.

I really believe God put her in my life today to lift my spirits and I am thankful for that. She even put an extra $15 towards Taylor's vacation fund. That touches me so....

Megan, if you keep up with my blogging, please know you touched my heart.

Do we ever throw ourselves away?

I think that with life, it is so easy to simply throw ourselves away. I think that it is easy to set expectations that are too high for ourselves and when we don't reach those expectations, we throw away our feelings and desires as if we are a piece of trash or a piece of garbage. I feel like we need to take to heart that WE ARE WORTH IT, just because.

This really doesn't have anything to do with me, but in reality it has to do with all of us. I believe that at times we just lose ourselves. I feel like the outside world puts little labels to us, just as I label my blogs... and we take those labels to heart. We try to pretend that they don't hurt our feelings but we know, deep down it does.

I think of my kids in these situations. We want to protect them from all of that, and especially when they are disabled. I feel that Taylor has just lost faith in himself at times. I feel that with all of the kids and I try to always teach them they can do what they put their minds to. I guess with autism, it is hard to connect the pieces anyway, so does he really understand what I am saying?

I want to lead by example for my kids. I am going to try to not worry about what others think of me. I will make all of my dreams come true. Most of them have, just by having them in my life. Yet, there are always dreams we have for ourselves.

I will not let others let me throw myself away, and I will not let others accomplish that by letting my kids feel like they are thrown away.

Let there be sushi, and 4 wonderful hours!

For the first time since April 24th, yesterday, we were able to take you off hospital grounds. I am so proud of you for being able to be on a high level so long that they let us whisk you away for FOUR GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL hours. I had a great time with you, as well as Big sis, Little sis, Spence and Dad. It means so much to all of us, but it just touches my heart so to see how it means something different to each of us. For me, I feel more complete when my family is all together, as odd as that might sound. When you aren't around, and Mandie isn't living at home due to her having her own house now, it just feels so incomplete at times. But yesterday, we weren't in the room just talking on the couches.... we weren't in your room visiting on your bed. Although I love to go to your garden and see what you are accomplishing with it, and I love going to the gym and watching you high tide and seeing you shoot hoops while Little sis plays hop scotch with Mandie, dad shoots hoops and Spence takes pictures.... yesterday we got to walk on the city streets. We got to go on elevators and escalators and go into stores. You got to help put Carlie in her car seat, and you got lots of hugs from her when we were driving. You got to spend time with Spence and Mandie by yourself. It was so exciting son!


We took you to Todai just like you wanted and this photo makes me smile. There is my Taylor on his third plate of food. You were slowing down on the sushi, but there you have your desserts. Of all the desserts you could have, there you are with green jello. You always have loved jello, and especially that of the green color. Here, you were being a nice brother and letting Carlie have some from your plate. That doesn't surprise me as you always are so good to her and try to take care of her so much.
I am sorry I had to tell you that Grandma Dodie passed away. I know that death affects you even more than it does most people. I would have liked to skip that part of the day all together, but we don't feel like we should lie to you or keep things from you. It is going to be ok.

I am excited that they have said that if you stay at a high level you can come home for a full 24 hours son! Not 4.... 24. I feel now, like I am being stingy. I am feeling like I am getting so spoiled. I keep going over in my mind who will be here. I am thinking of your favorites, what should I make him to eat. What should we do.... I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited.

Just keep on keepin on buddy and do it with a smile whenever you can. Just know you are so loved. I wish you knew all that was going on in our lives, wanting to help you. I am not amazed at how much your sisters love you really, but more, I am amazed at how much they will do to make that so clear. Car is so little but Mandie is going above and beyond.

Taylor gets an outing!

Today, Taylor gets an outing from the hospital. I am so excited. Some of the excitement is knowing that I get to just see him for the day, but the majority of the excitement is knowing how excited he is at the fact that he gets to leave his unit. There are also some fears that I am having. I am afraid I might say something that will set him off of course. I don't want that. I am afraid of him being around too many people might also set him off of course. However, those thoughts are just in the back of my head. Most of me feels nothing but pure excitement.

We had a benefit yard sale over the weekend. We ended up making a little bit over three hundred dollars, so that is very exciting. We also saved some of the things that didn't sell and we are going to try to sell them on Craigs list, so our earnings might end up at $400. I hope it will be good with the craig's listings.

We went to a Hawaiian concert at World Beat last night which was fun. It was still warm when we went there at about 7, but by the time we left there was a small breeze that felt so nice. I was excited to do something with the family. I did however have some anxiety issues going, and then with Taylor not being there, and being excluded from a family event, it was hard for me also. It seems like times like so are the hardest things to handle at the time.

Back to Taylor getting out for the day. A couple of weeks ago when we discussed him being able to leave in the future, he said, perhaps he would want to go bowling. Then the subject of swimming came up and he was excited for that. Now, he has instead chosen to go to Todai which is a Japanese restaurant in a mall in Portland. That is one of his favorite places to eat (besides McDonald's of course.) It is a little spendy, however, we were so glad he was able to communicate this all on his own.... That it really did not matter how much it cost. Him being able to communicate it was so impressive. He usually says, wherever you want to go, and leaves it like that, so his need is never met as he wasn't able to communicate it properly.

Amanda and Spencer will be making the trip with us. He will be so excited to see them both, so that also is exciting. I don't think that he is aware that they will be there. I am excited to see what today holds for us.

They said that there is a possibility that he might also be able to come home on the 4th of July for a home visit, so I am anxious for that also. Our block has a huge party and we all bring our own meat to bbq, their own beverage and their own plates etc.... Then each person also brings a dish of sort to share. Each family brings some fireworks so when it gets dark, we let them off. I guess it has been a tradition for years here. Last year was our first year to take part since it was our first year here, but Taylor, especially loved it.

Off to get ready to go see Taylor, Amanda and Spencer.