I can't wait to hug you today buddy!

I am so excited. I know that I will get to see Taylor tonight when my husband brings him home. That is always a day I look forward to during the week. I think that our daughter Amanda and her boyfriend are going to take him to the fair this weekend on Saturday. I am sure he will love that.

I have a lot of jerky to sell this weekend. My friend Sandie is helping us. I also need to figure out a place that we will be selling the Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. We will do that in September....

On my way out the door for work now.... blessings to all...

Music to Listen to while browsing out blog

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Come on Tay... keep it together buddy! You can do this!

Another day of horrible outbursts for Taylor. It just breaks my heart. He was doing so well. Each night at about this same time, he is having really bad outbursts at the center. This is the fourth night this week. This terrifies me. I am not sure if it is his medications or if it is the fact that his therapist has gone to a new job, or C) none of the above. All I know is that Taylor is regressing and this is not a good thing. I didn't sleep one wink last night, just sitting up worrying about him.

I am not sure if he will be able to come home tomorrow or not. I was looking forward to seeing him. I just wish I could understand, if for only one second, how his brain thinks. It is terrifying to me. I want to protect him from things that are going to hurt him. I want to protect him from himself. Just when he seems to have most of the rage under control, he regresses.

They say it is at the same time of night each night, so perhaps it has to do with meds. I am not sure what it is, but I just know I am him mom and I want nothing other than for him to be ok.

I was just thinking about our neighbors....

Tomorrow is a block party in our neighborhood. It is hard for me as this is the first one without Taylor being home for it. He REALLY enjoys the block parties. So, as I sit here and try to figure out what I am going to bring to the party, I started thinking about what a blessing it is to live in the neighborhood that we do. We were very lucky to find such a kind set of neighbors, not really one set in particular but like five or six sets of neighbors.

Taylor loves going out and talking to all the neighbors. Especially when he gets to come home for the weekends. He likes to make his grand entrance to go see them all. It is usually one of the first things he does when he pulls into the driveway. It makes me smile. Even during the darkest times, not one of them gave us stares or dirty looks when Taylor was having his melt downs screaming and swearing at us. A couple of instances really touch my heart with the neighbors. One night Tay had run away from us. He ended up being in the street late at night and was smashing rocks to get his frustrations out. One of our neighbors, Don, came out to just talk to Taylor. He and Taylor have this connection and he listens to Don. The police were called as Taylor's behavior had them worried (can't blame them). The police was very rude to my husband and it was a mess. The police don't know what they are talking about when it comes to autism, that is just the long and short of it. So, there was Don, trying to pick up the pieces with us. I was so impressed. Taylor also loves the other men in the neighborhood, Lee, Trent and last but certainly not least, Joe. Joe's wife is the other one that has a lasting memory in my mind. On one of the first *all night* runaways, we had the police over yet again, making out a report. It was so awful. Your stomach just hurts when all of this is going on. Anyhow, we had police in our back yard looking for Tay with lights and it was just horrifying that at that moment, that was our life. How did our life get like that? Thoughts just kept racing through my head. We were checking out under the deck in the back and our neighbor, Mavis came out and asked if we were okay. I told her Taylor had run. I felt so awkward saying it, but there it was, out on the table. It was like an open wound for all to see. I expected her to go inside, yet there she stood in her house coat, calling Taylor's name. You know your heart, when you are ready to cry, how it all starts feeling warm, and you can't control it, that is what I felt. More recently, after Taylor had already left for the Parry Center, we had a garage sale. Don's wife Bonnie came over and not only did she buy things from us, but she also gave us a donation to help Taylor get to Disneyland. Lee across the street, he took Taylor to school each morning, even after his son stopped riding with them and started riding the bus. His wife Elizabeth has come over umpteen times to cheer me when all seems hopeless for that moment. I also remember going to Trent and Carrie's house across the street one night in deep desperation for help. Carry works with kids that are autistic, but more kids that are non verbal. I needed resources. She did so much leg work and came to my home a couple of days later with a list of contacts.

We are very blessed to live in the neighborhood we do live in. We live with people that really care about each other and lift each other when they are in need. I am so lucky that they are in our lives.

I still don't know what to take tomorrow.

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... mama

Thanks for asking the update on Tay's funds

And Let there be jerky!

We have so much jerky! Please, if you are in the area and are wanting to buy some jerky, we have it. It is all sealed and we just purchased it from a dealer at wholesale. We got a good enough break on the prices that we are able to also pass some savings onto you. It is Oberto jerky and we have tons of jerky. Our biggest seller so far is for weight watchers people as we have packages that only have 100 calories. In the store they sell for $1.99. We are able to sell them for $1.25, which is a big savings for people. That is a 40% savings. Buy 10 or more packs and the price goes down to $1.00 each. We have other varieties also, but this is our biggest seller.

As for now, I just unloaded the van and I am so tired. A full van load unloaded, and working a full day, and I should be going to bed now.

Thanks so much. Please spread the word to all you know. This is going to most likely finish our fund raising to get our Taylor to Disneyland, and other attractions in Southern California.

The next step...

Yesterday we met with Blanca from DD services and also with Danielle, and Tami from New Solutions. We had a telephone conference with Jessie, Felicia and the Doctor from the Perry Center. The meeting went well and I really feel God is leading us to the right people, once again. This last set of trials and tribulations has gone much smoother than we have experienced in the past. (God is hearing my prayers, and I think He saw our cups were full!) So, Blanca will be responsible for finding our son a group home to move into. He is doing so well at the center, but he is doing so well, they are fearful that if he is not moved, he will regress into some older behaviors. None of us want that for him. Taylor also really wants to go. This is a HUGE deal, as Taylor never wants to go. He gets comfortable and change is so difficult for him. He is so proud of his accomplishments, in which he should be. With that in mind, they don't think, nor do we, that he is ready to be thrust into his environment here at home. With Car being young and throwing fits, and his sensory disorder, we think that will be a HUGE trigger for him to regression. He still has more goals he is wanting to reach, and we want somewhere to do this, that he will be safe and happy in.

Gordy is so knowledgeable and just keeps a great outlook on it. We are doing this to help our son. At times I need his strength, as I know, this is what is best for our son. However, I get really scared. I get really nervous. I get really concerned. I get, as silly as this sounds, really jealous and feel helpless. He is my son, I want to be the one helping him. Yet, he will be in a home in a smaller setting, and the caregiver mom will be making his dinners, and getting to see those big brown eyes each day. I try to clear my thoughts of that, yet, in reality it is really hard.

Today is today, and I am going to make today as good as I can, even when these thoughts make it difficult for me. Today is all I can work on. The important thing in all of this is that my son is safe and that he is building life skills to give him a successful life full of happiness. That is where I am at today.

A cry baby miss you day! An I am so proud of you kind of day!

I miss you today son! That doesn't change from day to day, however, some days are worse than others.

Tomorrow is our anniversary, and I have been going through my mind, time and time again what a precious and special day that was for our family. It wasn't just about dad and I, but it was about all of us coming together as a unit. Man we lucked out when we found dad didn't we.

My mind jumps from moment to moment of that day. You playing basketball in your tux, sis hating to wear her shoes; all of our family together including both mom and dad's siblings and parents, aunties and uncles. I just keep thinking back to when we had lit the unity candle, and the music was playing. It seemed like forever. We looked over at you and you were just crying. My heart just filled with so much love for you. You were so excited to be getting a great dad. You were such a little man, but this really touched your heart, which in return made dad and I both start crying, and sis, and Kim.

Tomorrow we will celebrate our union together. This is a union of man and wife, but also a union of our unconditional love for our children. Wish you were here for me to give a big hug to. We will be seeing you soon, but until then buddy, to the moon and back. I love you to the moon and back~

Mom!

Uncle Bernie also wrote today. I shared with him and Uncle Ryan the incident that happened the other day. He was so proud of you son! You are so lucky to have such neat people in your life that support you in your efforts to be the best person you can be. It made me cry reading Uncle Bernie's words. They love you too son.

We had a great day with Taylor. He came home on Friday night. However, he didn't want to hang out with mom and dad. (Go figure)! He wanted to go be with his sister, Amanda, and her boyfriend Spencer, and his friends. There was a part of me that wanted to be stingy with the time I had planned for him, but I didn't think that would be fair. So the carne asada and asian chicken salad went without Tay eating it with us. Dad took him to McDonald's on the way... (his favorite). He got a happy meal. Almost 18, still wanting happy meals for the toys. Most of the time, it just makes me smile as I know it is a part of his obsessions due to his autism. His sister also had bought a pizza for them. They watched a movie together. She texted not too terribly long after he got there. He actually had to take his meds before he left, so he was so tired. G left immediately to go pick him up after the text came through. When he picked up Taylor, he asked me to put the sheets on the beds in the tent trailer as he thought Taylor was going to fall asleep.

He got home, and he went into the tent trailer, laid on his bed and he was out within three minutes. It reminds me of him when he was little and he could sleep through everything. Now, he has such a tough time sleeping without the pills.

On Saturday morning, I took him to a couple of garage sales as he loves to go to them. He was out digging through things, and it was like having him home again. I wanted to get him to Walgreen's though as he really wanted some photos to take back to the hospital with him. He ended up taking Carlie to the toy section as he was getting antsy.

We went home and got ready to take him back into Portland. We went to Uyagimias in Beaverton, as he wanted to go. I looked for something small but meaningful to give G for our 8th anniversary which is on Tuesday. I didn't find anything. The store was pretty slow, so that made it nice. It was also cooler in there, as it was 92* yesterday.

We went to an international celebration on the East side of Portland. I was nervous as I can't do crowds. It was nice as it was really slow. I didn't see the diversity there. I saw two food booths, one being kettle corn. I did see some dancers from the islands, but other than that, I only saw one other booth that had anything to do with diversity. UGGGG! Not a great event, but great to be with all my kids at once. Carlie ended up getting a bloody nose from the heat, and really dirty feet if that counts.

As we were driving in Portland, Gordy thought that he saw our friend Alex. Alex was a student at OSU when Gordy worked there. He worked in Gordy's office. He had the most fun personality and he quickly became a part of our family, and would join us for Thanksgiving at our home a couple of times. He has matured into a fine young man now. He used to live in Portland, but, from what we know, he lives in LA now. The kids loved that his number to call him was ---/905-POOP. They always wanted to call him. Anyhow, we then thought perhaps he was in town visiting, but we couldn't catch up. Almost made our day even brighter.

In two weeks we will be back in Portland for the Hawaiian Festival in Vancouver. It will be fun. All in all, it was a great day with Taylor, Amanda and Carlie.

Oh, there was an outburst on the unit the other day. Someone was trying to target him (they do this by trying to get the others to lose their temper, then they get bumped down a level) and called him a very derogatory name for two males that love each other. Taylor did INDEED lose it, and had to leave the unit to cool himself down so he didn't do anything that he would regret. He kept his cool enough, and I am not sure if it was during the outburst, or if it was when he returned after his walk, but... HE STOOD up for gay couples. My son stood up for what he believed in, which is diversity. He said that he had really good friends that love each other and it makes him mad when people call them horrible names.

WAY TO GO BUDDY! You keep doing it! Keep standing up for what you believe in. Words are always better than getting mad, but just know you are more of a person for standing up for your beliefs and dad, sis and I are SOOOOOO proud of you. We know that sometimes it is hard to speak our minds when we know others might make fun of us or try to belittle us, but who cares. They are the small minded people! I know, that you on that day, made some of your counselors sit back and say, Man, Tay is cool, did you see how he handled that?! He stood up for what he believed in. Many adults don't have the capability, so you doing this shows how mature you are and how much you care for your good friends!!!!! FANTASTIC!!! That is why we chose this song today.... Say by John Mayer. Say what you need to say!

If someone that is autistic can do it, so can you!

For those that are requesting about donating

The day after is hard

Waking up and realizing in that morning haze, that Taylor is not here, it is hard. I had such a nice visit with him getting to come home. Now we wait, we wait to see him again. It leaves an emptiness in me.

When Taylor left, he hugged me. He now towers over me and I am having to reach up to hug him. His body goes a bit limp as he is leaning on me and it is that feeling of being defeated again. Gosh, I hope that he doesn't feel defeat as that is not why he is at the hospital. We are trying all in our power to give him the proper tools to get along in life in a productive and not have self hatred for something that he has no control over. I just hugged him, and didn't want to let go. It hurt so much. He is my guy!

I called to speak to him at just a little bit before 7 p last night and he was already in bed sleeping. I needed to see how he was coping with the having to go back stage of the visit. It seems like it did not effect him as it has affected me. A good thing.

So, now we will wait until our next visit. I just miss him. He seemed to understand better some things such as personal space. That is a huge thing for him. He didn't yell at anyone. The noises of the fireworks seemed to get on his nerves and there were a couple of times he had to remove himself and did a great job of recognizing that fact. I had to do the same thing, as it got to be too much at times. Too many people and too much noise, and somewhat unorganized from years past.

So buddy, I will see you soon. I miss you so, but you are in my heart Mister! To the moon and back buddy!

Would I lead the same path of life again to get here?

I have had much on my mind, and much on my plate in the past couple year and a half or so. I start going over things in my mind over and over again, thinking, what could I have changed to have been a better person, a better mom? Would I choose that road again? Would I do it all over again? Am I satisfied where I am at? Did I learn the lessons that needed to be learned?

My answers often times confuse me. If there were easier roads, then wouldn't I just naturally want to take that road? I wish that I were the type of person that could say yes... that would be so much less stressful, let me take the easy way out next time.

Yet, I am not that person. I am the person that often times would and will take the harder road even to this day if there is a lesson or a moral behind it that I can not only learn, but hopefully pass onto others that might need that in the future.

I then look at Taylor and I think, what about him? He doesn't really understand things that we do, so I do want the road that is easier for him. I want to mother him and tell people to leave him alone and I want to put the pieces together for him. I know, however, with all the wisdom of being his mom and his number one fan, that I would surely fail my son if that was the way it were to be. I can't learn his lessons for him (damn it as I would it a minute if I could).

You hold these babies in your arms and you see them for the first time, and they take your breath away. They are the greatest gift that we will ever have in our lives. They are these little bundle of hopes and dreams and pure love. Raw love, that you will do anything to protect. My friends often called me mama bear when there were issues, and the kids tried to handle them on their own when it was with a teacher or people of that nature that wouldn't listen to them or push their feelings to the side, the mama bear in me would come out. I hope it was in a good way, and not a negative way. We as parents sometimes forget that we need to advocate for our children. We need to realize that their voices will sometimes go unheard unless we are there to make it heard. Just simply calling a meeting and making sure you are there to sit next to them, somehow makes people stop and listen.

The only regrets I feel in life that one might have or want to change in life, is making sure we right our wrongs. If we mess up in life, it is a heavy burden to carry on our backs. I think that when we learn that things were done improperly, we as adults, as caring people need to say whoa, I really messed up. I most likely caused you some grief and some sort of turmoil in your life and I want to make that right. I for one, am going to be one that I hope gets my apologies done before I am on my way to check out.

Tay, I will always be the mom I think that you deserve. I will always be your biggest fan. I will always speak the words I think you are trying to say when you can't say them. If I ever get that wrong, you WON'T HURT MY FEELINGS to correct me. I will always be here for you, in good times, and not so fun times. I will be here in times that I miss you like there is no tomorrow, and on the days where you laugh your butt off and aren't really sure why. I will listen to your stories about pokemon and dragster cars and hot rods. I will listen to how you love roller coasters. I will tell you that favorite story one more time (as many times as you like) how I went over the rainbow to get a pot of gold and the leprechauns gave me a choice of a pot of gold or you, and I went home with you. I will tell you the story time and time again how I hid pickled herring in Uncle Troy's salad at Uncle Jared's wedding and when he bit into it he started swearing (good times!) ! I will listen to you tell me how you think Uncle Troy is so cool when he tells you to stop running in and out of the house because he isn't raising monkeys from the zoo. It's all good buddy. We will get through this together and there is going to be no regrets, just great life lessons. Isn't that what we really grow from, life lessons?

To the moon and back, only 16 hours left to see you Mister! Can't wait. Mama is going to be a cooking fool today and tomorrow morning when you get here I can just spend time with you with no worries or anything to take me away from our time. I am sure you are excited to get home too. It has been a long time, but you have worked so hard for this. I am so proud of you son.

Oh, and dad said you can put up the tent trailer tomorrow night to sleep in and you boys can sleep out there, or all of us, whatever you want.
Always your mama~

Autism Tip of the Day: Many children or people that have autism, which is a disability, may have a dual diagnosis of other things that are going on also. Our son for example has ODD which is called Oppositional Defiant Disorder. As per mayo clinic . com, this is their definition of this mental health condition. Taylor doesn't do this to be bad, just the way, once again that he is built and wired, so to speak.

Even the best-behaved children can be difficult and challenging at times. Teens are often moody and argumentative. But if your child or teen has a persistent pattern of tantrums, arguing, and angry or disruptive behaviors toward you and other authority figures, he or she may have oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). As many as one in 10 children may have oppositional defiant disorder in a lifetime.

Treatment of oppositional defiant disorder involves therapy and possibly medications to treat related mental health conditions. As a parent, you don't have to go it alone in trying to manage a child with oppositional defiant disorder. Doctors, counselors and child development experts can help you learn specific strategies to address oppositional defiant disorder.

In This Life

This song sums it up for the way I feel for not only my wonderful and handsome son, but my devoted husband, and my two beautiful daughters. This song is sung by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole

Sometimes there are just angels amoung us....

Even when we don't realize it, God works in our lives in such wonderful and enriching ways. Today I had a very nice young lady come to my home to pick up a baby item that sis was selling to earn money for Tay's vacation. When she pulled up, it was like a breath of fresh air. Diversity! Since my depression and having to take a break from work, I have not been able to focus as much on all of the really important things in my life. I so love the diversity part of my life and what we teach our kids. There are not too many people in our area that are not caucasion. Not that being caucasion is all that bad, mind you... but I just strive for difference and long for striving to piece us all together as humans. I feel segregated at times when there isn't the diversity in my life and that is the last thing that I want.

Here stands this sweet, nice, and very sincere young lady that just had it all together. I was busy getting things done around the house and looked a mess.... and she didn't bat an eye. We talked about our kids and our husbands and our jobs, and religion. Imagine this all in a 10 minute time frame, well... okay maybe 15 minutes. It just touched my heart so.

I really believe God put her in my life today to lift my spirits and I am thankful for that. She even put an extra $15 towards Taylor's vacation fund. That touches me so....

Megan, if you keep up with my blogging, please know you touched my heart.

Do we ever throw ourselves away?

I think that with life, it is so easy to simply throw ourselves away. I think that it is easy to set expectations that are too high for ourselves and when we don't reach those expectations, we throw away our feelings and desires as if we are a piece of trash or a piece of garbage. I feel like we need to take to heart that WE ARE WORTH IT, just because.

This really doesn't have anything to do with me, but in reality it has to do with all of us. I believe that at times we just lose ourselves. I feel like the outside world puts little labels to us, just as I label my blogs... and we take those labels to heart. We try to pretend that they don't hurt our feelings but we know, deep down it does.

I think of my kids in these situations. We want to protect them from all of that, and especially when they are disabled. I feel that Taylor has just lost faith in himself at times. I feel that with all of the kids and I try to always teach them they can do what they put their minds to. I guess with autism, it is hard to connect the pieces anyway, so does he really understand what I am saying?

I want to lead by example for my kids. I am going to try to not worry about what others think of me. I will make all of my dreams come true. Most of them have, just by having them in my life. Yet, there are always dreams we have for ourselves.

I will not let others let me throw myself away, and I will not let others accomplish that by letting my kids feel like they are thrown away.

Let there be sushi, and 4 wonderful hours!

For the first time since April 24th, yesterday, we were able to take you off hospital grounds. I am so proud of you for being able to be on a high level so long that they let us whisk you away for FOUR GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL hours. I had a great time with you, as well as Big sis, Little sis, Spence and Dad. It means so much to all of us, but it just touches my heart so to see how it means something different to each of us. For me, I feel more complete when my family is all together, as odd as that might sound. When you aren't around, and Mandie isn't living at home due to her having her own house now, it just feels so incomplete at times. But yesterday, we weren't in the room just talking on the couches.... we weren't in your room visiting on your bed. Although I love to go to your garden and see what you are accomplishing with it, and I love going to the gym and watching you high tide and seeing you shoot hoops while Little sis plays hop scotch with Mandie, dad shoots hoops and Spence takes pictures.... yesterday we got to walk on the city streets. We got to go on elevators and escalators and go into stores. You got to help put Carlie in her car seat, and you got lots of hugs from her when we were driving. You got to spend time with Spence and Mandie by yourself. It was so exciting son!


We took you to Todai just like you wanted and this photo makes me smile. There is my Taylor on his third plate of food. You were slowing down on the sushi, but there you have your desserts. Of all the desserts you could have, there you are with green jello. You always have loved jello, and especially that of the green color. Here, you were being a nice brother and letting Carlie have some from your plate. That doesn't surprise me as you always are so good to her and try to take care of her so much.
I am sorry I had to tell you that Grandma Dodie passed away. I know that death affects you even more than it does most people. I would have liked to skip that part of the day all together, but we don't feel like we should lie to you or keep things from you. It is going to be ok.

I am excited that they have said that if you stay at a high level you can come home for a full 24 hours son! Not 4.... 24. I feel now, like I am being stingy. I am feeling like I am getting so spoiled. I keep going over in my mind who will be here. I am thinking of your favorites, what should I make him to eat. What should we do.... I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited.

Just keep on keepin on buddy and do it with a smile whenever you can. Just know you are so loved. I wish you knew all that was going on in our lives, wanting to help you. I am not amazed at how much your sisters love you really, but more, I am amazed at how much they will do to make that so clear. Car is so little but Mandie is going above and beyond.

Taylor gets an outing!

Today, Taylor gets an outing from the hospital. I am so excited. Some of the excitement is knowing that I get to just see him for the day, but the majority of the excitement is knowing how excited he is at the fact that he gets to leave his unit. There are also some fears that I am having. I am afraid I might say something that will set him off of course. I don't want that. I am afraid of him being around too many people might also set him off of course. However, those thoughts are just in the back of my head. Most of me feels nothing but pure excitement.

We had a benefit yard sale over the weekend. We ended up making a little bit over three hundred dollars, so that is very exciting. We also saved some of the things that didn't sell and we are going to try to sell them on Craigs list, so our earnings might end up at $400. I hope it will be good with the craig's listings.

We went to a Hawaiian concert at World Beat last night which was fun. It was still warm when we went there at about 7, but by the time we left there was a small breeze that felt so nice. I was excited to do something with the family. I did however have some anxiety issues going, and then with Taylor not being there, and being excluded from a family event, it was hard for me also. It seems like times like so are the hardest things to handle at the time.

Back to Taylor getting out for the day. A couple of weeks ago when we discussed him being able to leave in the future, he said, perhaps he would want to go bowling. Then the subject of swimming came up and he was excited for that. Now, he has instead chosen to go to Todai which is a Japanese restaurant in a mall in Portland. That is one of his favorite places to eat (besides McDonald's of course.) It is a little spendy, however, we were so glad he was able to communicate this all on his own.... That it really did not matter how much it cost. Him being able to communicate it was so impressive. He usually says, wherever you want to go, and leaves it like that, so his need is never met as he wasn't able to communicate it properly.

Amanda and Spencer will be making the trip with us. He will be so excited to see them both, so that also is exciting. I don't think that he is aware that they will be there. I am excited to see what today holds for us.

They said that there is a possibility that he might also be able to come home on the 4th of July for a home visit, so I am anxious for that also. Our block has a huge party and we all bring our own meat to bbq, their own beverage and their own plates etc.... Then each person also brings a dish of sort to share. Each family brings some fireworks so when it gets dark, we let them off. I guess it has been a tradition for years here. Last year was our first year to take part since it was our first year here, but Taylor, especially loved it.

Off to get ready to go see Taylor, Amanda and Spencer.

This Child of Mine By Sally Meyer

This Child of Mine....

This little child of mine
who is he?
where did he come from
and why is he mine?

I often sit and wonder
at the closing of the day
who trusted me
with this little one
who sent him here to stay?

This little child
who breaks my heart
yet fills it with such joy
what great thing have I done
to have this little boy?

When my tears run freely
joy and sadness mingled
what a mixture,
a blending of such emotion
who gave me this little child
and why am I so blessed?

I pray at night for answers
and call out in the dark
Thank you for this little child
whoever he may be,
he came from some unknown star
to bless and comfort me.

Autism is not the end of the World. . . . just
the beginning of a new one.

copyright. 1999. Sally Meyer

I found this wonderful poem on the net by Sally Meyer and it is so true. Through the heartache there is so much love for my son, knowing his trials and tribulations, and the rough, rocky, bumpy road ahead. There is also so much hope and so much admiration for my son.


Today, I was sitting here missing both of the men in my life. My son in the hospital and my husband is in California visiting with his family with our baby. It just lets my mind drift back to when they first met. Taylor liked Gordy so much and called him Gordman. He would rush home from Kindergarten and want to immediately call him. He wanted that connection as a young boy. He had my dad, and my brothers in his life, but he wanted someone to himself and he found that in Gordy.

I remember a night when my daycare closed. I was a single parent, and to find a daycare open at night to work my job, it was tough. Gordy would take the kids to his dorm room at the college and watch them for me. He would take them to the dining hall and they would think that was so cool (for Pete's sake, it was cafe food.... not a gourmet meal)... but to them... it was everything. He would take them to Jack in the Box. They were spoiled from day one with him as they got so much attention from not only him, but his students. After working and coming to pick them up, I expected to find Gordy in bed sleeping. There he was in his recliner. He had been crying, and I knew it was going to be that moment when he broke up with me.... why else would he be so sad? I asked what was wrong, and prepared myself. I know I started crying too, as I really was falling in love with this man. He looked at me and said, your kids asked me to be their dad tonight. My heart sank.... not only was this going to scare him off, it was going to break their little hearts. UGGGGGG! Oh crud here it comes. His mouth was opening and I started to feel sick to my stomach. *How do I deserve their love?* Those are the words that came from his mouth? He didn't believe in himself as a person that the kids would love. How could they NOT love him? I am amazed at the love that the kids have grown and built with Gordy. Different loves... they love him for reasons and me for totally other reasons.

I get this ping in my heart when I think of their relationships. I think that there are times that we all forget that he isn't biologically their dad. Seeing him go to the schools to advocate for Taylor. Seeing him look for things that they really like and are interested in. You can see his protective side when they are hurt or confused.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed! Carlie adds so much to that element also, so with that, we are blessed to be a family unit. Even in really cruddy and confusing times, we are a unit, we are united and we are one.

Update on Disneyland Fund For Taylor's Wish

Many thanks for all who have helped. I appreciate it.

Coutries visiting our site.

It is fun telling Taylor which countries have visited a site all about him and educating people on Autism. Thus far these are the countries.

Jamaica
Hungary
South Africa
United States
Brazil
Spain
Canada
Philippines
United Kingdom
Singapore
Malaysia
France
Japan
Mexico
Norway
German
Switzerland
Austrailia
Denmark
Taiwan
Saudi Arabia
Bermuda
New Zealand
Belguim
Columbia
Ireland