I was just thinking about our neighbors....

Tomorrow is a block party in our neighborhood. It is hard for me as this is the first one without Taylor being home for it. He REALLY enjoys the block parties. So, as I sit here and try to figure out what I am going to bring to the party, I started thinking about what a blessing it is to live in the neighborhood that we do. We were very lucky to find such a kind set of neighbors, not really one set in particular but like five or six sets of neighbors.

Taylor loves going out and talking to all the neighbors. Especially when he gets to come home for the weekends. He likes to make his grand entrance to go see them all. It is usually one of the first things he does when he pulls into the driveway. It makes me smile. Even during the darkest times, not one of them gave us stares or dirty looks when Taylor was having his melt downs screaming and swearing at us. A couple of instances really touch my heart with the neighbors. One night Tay had run away from us. He ended up being in the street late at night and was smashing rocks to get his frustrations out. One of our neighbors, Don, came out to just talk to Taylor. He and Taylor have this connection and he listens to Don. The police were called as Taylor's behavior had them worried (can't blame them). The police was very rude to my husband and it was a mess. The police don't know what they are talking about when it comes to autism, that is just the long and short of it. So, there was Don, trying to pick up the pieces with us. I was so impressed. Taylor also loves the other men in the neighborhood, Lee, Trent and last but certainly not least, Joe. Joe's wife is the other one that has a lasting memory in my mind. On one of the first *all night* runaways, we had the police over yet again, making out a report. It was so awful. Your stomach just hurts when all of this is going on. Anyhow, we had police in our back yard looking for Tay with lights and it was just horrifying that at that moment, that was our life. How did our life get like that? Thoughts just kept racing through my head. We were checking out under the deck in the back and our neighbor, Mavis came out and asked if we were okay. I told her Taylor had run. I felt so awkward saying it, but there it was, out on the table. It was like an open wound for all to see. I expected her to go inside, yet there she stood in her house coat, calling Taylor's name. You know your heart, when you are ready to cry, how it all starts feeling warm, and you can't control it, that is what I felt. More recently, after Taylor had already left for the Parry Center, we had a garage sale. Don's wife Bonnie came over and not only did she buy things from us, but she also gave us a donation to help Taylor get to Disneyland. Lee across the street, he took Taylor to school each morning, even after his son stopped riding with them and started riding the bus. His wife Elizabeth has come over umpteen times to cheer me when all seems hopeless for that moment. I also remember going to Trent and Carrie's house across the street one night in deep desperation for help. Carry works with kids that are autistic, but more kids that are non verbal. I needed resources. She did so much leg work and came to my home a couple of days later with a list of contacts.

We are very blessed to live in the neighborhood we do live in. We live with people that really care about each other and lift each other when they are in need. I am so lucky that they are in our lives.

I still don't know what to take tomorrow.

To the moon and back buddy, I love you to the moon and back... mama

The day after is hard

Waking up and realizing in that morning haze, that Taylor is not here, it is hard. I had such a nice visit with him getting to come home. Now we wait, we wait to see him again. It leaves an emptiness in me.

When Taylor left, he hugged me. He now towers over me and I am having to reach up to hug him. His body goes a bit limp as he is leaning on me and it is that feeling of being defeated again. Gosh, I hope that he doesn't feel defeat as that is not why he is at the hospital. We are trying all in our power to give him the proper tools to get along in life in a productive and not have self hatred for something that he has no control over. I just hugged him, and didn't want to let go. It hurt so much. He is my guy!

I called to speak to him at just a little bit before 7 p last night and he was already in bed sleeping. I needed to see how he was coping with the having to go back stage of the visit. It seems like it did not effect him as it has affected me. A good thing.

So, now we will wait until our next visit. I just miss him. He seemed to understand better some things such as personal space. That is a huge thing for him. He didn't yell at anyone. The noises of the fireworks seemed to get on his nerves and there were a couple of times he had to remove himself and did a great job of recognizing that fact. I had to do the same thing, as it got to be too much at times. Too many people and too much noise, and somewhat unorganized from years past.

So buddy, I will see you soon. I miss you so, but you are in my heart Mister! To the moon and back buddy!

This Child of Mine By Sally Meyer

This Child of Mine....

This little child of mine
who is he?
where did he come from
and why is he mine?

I often sit and wonder
at the closing of the day
who trusted me
with this little one
who sent him here to stay?

This little child
who breaks my heart
yet fills it with such joy
what great thing have I done
to have this little boy?

When my tears run freely
joy and sadness mingled
what a mixture,
a blending of such emotion
who gave me this little child
and why am I so blessed?

I pray at night for answers
and call out in the dark
Thank you for this little child
whoever he may be,
he came from some unknown star
to bless and comfort me.

Autism is not the end of the World. . . . just
the beginning of a new one.

copyright. 1999. Sally Meyer

I found this wonderful poem on the net by Sally Meyer and it is so true. Through the heartache there is so much love for my son, knowing his trials and tribulations, and the rough, rocky, bumpy road ahead. There is also so much hope and so much admiration for my son.


Today, I was sitting here missing both of the men in my life. My son in the hospital and my husband is in California visiting with his family with our baby. It just lets my mind drift back to when they first met. Taylor liked Gordy so much and called him Gordman. He would rush home from Kindergarten and want to immediately call him. He wanted that connection as a young boy. He had my dad, and my brothers in his life, but he wanted someone to himself and he found that in Gordy.

I remember a night when my daycare closed. I was a single parent, and to find a daycare open at night to work my job, it was tough. Gordy would take the kids to his dorm room at the college and watch them for me. He would take them to the dining hall and they would think that was so cool (for Pete's sake, it was cafe food.... not a gourmet meal)... but to them... it was everything. He would take them to Jack in the Box. They were spoiled from day one with him as they got so much attention from not only him, but his students. After working and coming to pick them up, I expected to find Gordy in bed sleeping. There he was in his recliner. He had been crying, and I knew it was going to be that moment when he broke up with me.... why else would he be so sad? I asked what was wrong, and prepared myself. I know I started crying too, as I really was falling in love with this man. He looked at me and said, your kids asked me to be their dad tonight. My heart sank.... not only was this going to scare him off, it was going to break their little hearts. UGGGGGG! Oh crud here it comes. His mouth was opening and I started to feel sick to my stomach. *How do I deserve their love?* Those are the words that came from his mouth? He didn't believe in himself as a person that the kids would love. How could they NOT love him? I am amazed at the love that the kids have grown and built with Gordy. Different loves... they love him for reasons and me for totally other reasons.

I get this ping in my heart when I think of their relationships. I think that there are times that we all forget that he isn't biologically their dad. Seeing him go to the schools to advocate for Taylor. Seeing him look for things that they really like and are interested in. You can see his protective side when they are hurt or confused.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed! Carlie adds so much to that element also, so with that, we are blessed to be a family unit. Even in really cruddy and confusing times, we are a unit, we are united and we are one.