Last night we were watching television in bed, and Carlie was in there snuggling us in her striped feety pajamas. She is a girl that is always on the move, so for her to slow down and let us get some snuggles, well, it is a blessing. Usually she is happy go lucky and will give you what we like to call face hugs. Last night, there were no face hugs. Last night there would be none of that. She just lay there with her face facing me, but gloom. We have been seeing that from time to time, and more frequent lately. She says how much she misses her bubby and he needs to come home. We tried to ease her into the bubby doesn't live here anymore, but just like Mimi (what she calls our oldest daughter) and just like grandma and grandpas, we don't have to live together to love someone. Oh, my heart hurt saying those words. Why would a three year old have to be explained that she will not be able to live with her brother any longer? I was trying to keep my voice low and calm, but it started cracking. She firmly told me, that her bubby lives in this house. Her voice also began to waiver a bit and crack. She then started making her voice, where she wanted me, her mom, to reassure her that he lived here. I couldn't do it. I can't lie to her. I just can't!!! She then picked up her pretend phone and acted like she was talking to Tay on the phone. When she hung up, she reassured me that he lived here in our house. I tried to sway the conversation back into how much he loved her and he was such a good brother. She was upset, so I let her sleep with me. During the night, she woke up telling me she wanted to see her brother. Again, my heart breaks! Each day, a reminder of how we are at the bottom right now. However, we also know when we hit bottom, there is no way to go but up. So, here is looking at today. We miss you my son! You are with me, even when I can't reach out and hug you. I have a doctor's appointment so that can keep my mind occupied for a bit. I am anxious for that.
1 comment:
It is so hard for people who don't have a child that can't live at home to really understand how difficult it is. Coming to the decision that our son needed to live elsewhere was the hardest thing we ever have gone through. Our child with aspergers is the one who is home with us....our other son has ADHD and ODD and he is the one who had to go. It is so hard for Colin to understand that even though his brother doesn't live in our home he is still a member of our family and will always be.
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