Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Officially Today

Today was a feel sorry for myself day.... or more of a feel sorry for my son day. Today is official. He has been officially diagnosed as disabled. I have such mixed emotions about it. When the call came, I felt numb.

This will get the services he needs to stay safe. Without it, he could have ended up in a road leading nowhere as he isn't capable of taking care of himself properly and keeping himself safe and out of harms way. So this is good news.

Disabled, also a bitter word in my mouth for my son and his future. I would rather think of it as Delayed able... if there were such a thing. However, we will go with it...

It is funny how my mind races when in stressful times like this. When I was pregnant with Taylor, I worked at a place called Swackhammer's. It was a family restaurant and at night it was a night club. One of the bartender's there, Thomas, was expecting a baby at the same time I was expecting Taylor. We were within a couple of months of each other. He and his wife, Melody, were due before I was.

One night Simon (Thomas's best friend and a fellow bar tender there) came in and said Thomas was not going to be at work that day, that he was at the hospital and they were having their baby. All night long, we took turns running to the pay phone in the back making the calls to the hospital to see if they baby had been born. Finally at the end of our shift, past 2:30am in the morning we found out they had a baby girl. Simon was connected to Thomas. Thomas told him that the baby was not going to live. She was born with major birth defects and they thought that she would maybe make it a week or so being on machines. She was in pain, so they parents had to choose whether to disconnect her from the machines, and hold her until she passed, or keep her hooked up and be with her that week or so. They chose to disconnect. They held their baby for those few hours and she passed away in their arms. They named her. They talked to her and cooed at her... but mostly they cried. I felt so guilty... he had to come to work and see me pregnant when he just lost his beautiful baby girl. It was so sad. They came to my baby shower. I felt horrible. They were strong.

I sit and I feel blessed. Here is my son. God, where would I be if I would have lost him at birth? He has taught me so much. I love him so much. He is a part of me. No matter what his disability is, it is better than what happened to Thomas and Melody's baby girl. I have been blessed with this son. He might have issues, but who doesn't?

In no way am I saying that this is easy, but this is so much better than what it can be. I can't imagine if Taylor's autism was so severe that I would never hear the word *mom*, or more common for him *mama* out of his mouth.

He teaches me to be unselfish. Today as I was talking to him about great days ahead so we could picnic with him on the weekend, I asked what he wanted me to bring for the picnic. This is a boy who loves his mom's cooking, and says the food there is horrible (doubtful) and his response is... don't worry about me mom, anything will be fine. Me, if I were without my favorite things, there would be a huge list.

Just was thinking about my son and needed to journal this....

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