Sunday, June 8, 2008

A thanks to our parents....

I was up most of the night in bed last night and I continued to think again and again, of things that are GREAT in Taylor's life. I just kept coming back to family. I kept coming back to he has SO many people who love him, between Aunties and Uncles, cousins, & Grandparents.

My mind drifted back to when I was pregnant with my first child, Amanda. I was living in Hawaii at the time and my ex-husband was out in the field with the Army. My mom and I were on the phone just talking girl talk and the excitement I had for my first child, and my mom her first grandchild. I remember this conversation like it was yesterday. I told her that there could be nothing wrong with the baby as I did not think that I could handle being the mother of a child with special needs. She told me that of course I could... you just do it and love them like any other child as you are the one that carried them in your womb, and they are your baby. Amanda came out without any issues (other than being stubborn *somewhat like her mom*). So here I am over 20 years later, going back on that conversation and I am shameful. Here I am, a mom of a child, not even a child, a young man, with a disability. I love him as much as Amanda, and I love him as much as Carlie. I feel really bad for him, as I feel like I have let him down. I feel like he deserves a better mom. Logically I know that is not true, and that I have tried everything in my power, but that is how my heart feels.

Back to our parents... I am so glad that Gordon's parents raised him to be a good man. I am so glad that I found a good dad for our kids. It sounds very odd, but I am so glad that Taylor's biological father has chosen to not take an active role in his life. On one hand it stinks because each and every child deserves to know their dad. It doesn't effect Taylor like it does Amanda. Gordy is HER DAD through and through, and anyone ignorant enough not to think so is just that very silly. However, on the other hand, perhaps it does effect Taylor just as much but he just doesn't know how to communicate that frustration. I am not sure. We check in with him often to see if he has any questions about his biological father. The only questions that have come out of him so far, are, 1) Didn't he have a small car like that mom? 2) He was in the military, right? What kind of military? (Meaning which branch) 3) He lives in Texas right? That is really close to Mexico, right? And last, but not least... 4) His hair was really thick like mine wasn't it mom? That is it. I really do believe that in my heart, God does know our outcome far before we do and it is in HIS plans. I know that Gordy was brought to us by God to father my kids, which he does so well. That comes from his upbringing, and learning to be a man of honor and kindness. Our kids are great kids and many lessons that they have learned are from Gordy, and they deserve the best dad, and they have gotten that from him. In the same token, Gordy deserves great kids that would also teach him and love him unconditionally and our kids do that. They are proud of their dad, and he is proud of them.

My parents, I need to thank for showing me persistence. I think that it worries them when I cry a lot or get really upset, or discouraged with the situations that we face with this disability. They have no more answers than we do. Sometimes, what they don't understand is I don't need an answer or a fix it, I just need an ear to listen to me. They do very much, but, naturally being a parent they want to help fix my issue. I know they can't do that as much as they know. However, it is in their hearts trying to protect me. In reality telling me not to cry, or be upset is like saying don't breathe, or don't blink. It happens naturally and that is just how it is. What I want them to know, is I will be ok. Taylor will be ok. We will get through this. It is harder than anyone will know that hasn't gone through it, but I will be ok. They have taught me to be a strong person, and I think that being stubborn also helps a bit. It doesn't mean I am not going to go through depression or sadness, or that my heart won't break in a million pieces. What it does mean is that I have Faith that God will guide me through this and help me put the million pieces back together again.

I remember when my youngest sister left for college. I called my mom from work to make sure that she was okay. She was so sad and weepy on the phone. She really had a broken heart for that time. It was hard. It was her last, her baby, and now she was gone. It is similar to that. Although Taylor is not my last, he is still also my baby... and especially since he was born with this disorder. The difference is, my sister (who I love a lot) was leaving to become more successful as a person. She was going to college. She was going to get a better education from a great college. My son, is going to have a group of team meet his needs as he is high needs. He is not going to get an education but perhaps some training to read social cues, and learn how to somewhat be able to function on his own. I worry people will take advantage of him. I worry, and this is a BIG ONE, he won't need me anymore. I still don't know if he thinks I am abandoning him. It is similar in ways but so different in ways, and ways that words will never begin to describe, EVER.

My mom and dad both went through many different things in their growing up that have made them who they are. They had hardships and trials and they came out okay, and we will also. We teach our children strength weather we believe so or not, through daily living.

So, thanks everyone, that has helped form us into the people that we are. No matter how bad it gets, we, as a family will make it! We will!

Asperger's Syndrome Tip of the Day: Someone with Asperger's doesn't know how to read social cues. They don't know people's space or limits. They can't read body language well, if at all. Sometimes they don't understand social elements either, such as in a basketball game where guys smack each other's rear ends, to him, they were either trying to hurt him, or wanting to pick a fight.

1 comment:

Didi said...

Yup! We WILL make it!!! You are an awesome parent....with awesome kids and you deserve it!!!