Today is the day I just have to force myself to do it.

As much as I hate it, as much as I don't think that I can do it, today is the day I have to go into my son's room and clean it. I haven't gone inside it but once or twice since he left. It was really soon after he left, and I had to take some laundry in there and get some things for his bag to deliver to the hospital. I walk past it, and it makes me sad to not have him here. So, because I get so sad and so panicked by being near it, I have avoided it like anything.

It will always be Taylor's room. I won't take his things out and turn it into a craft room or spare room. That is my son's room. If and when he ever gets home visits from the hospital or his assisted living, I want him to have HIS ROOM TO GO TO. I want him to know our home will ALWAYS BE HIS HOME. It stresses me out a lot if he thinks that we are abandoning him, when we are trying to do what is in his best interest. This surely is HELL for me to not be around my son and know that I am meeting his needs.

Maybe I can do it in increments.... go 15 minutes, stop... etc.... give myself a break from emotions every now and again. IT IS A MESS!!!

Next week my husband has to go to California with Carlie to see his folks. It is good for them and I wish I felt strong enough to go too... but just too much for me to deal with here. I was thinking about painting his room a different color. I am not sure. We shall see. For today, I just need to get it cleaned out.

Autism Tip of The Day: We are our child's expert! We need to remember this. Often times since we know our child more than anyone else, we need to stop the doctor's or counselors from decisions that are not good for our children, and often times that is sticking to our gut instinct. One time a counselor told me that Taylor wanted to play with a young boy down around the corner from us. We had had bad experiences with not only the boy, but his parents. They let their son play with air guns, and the language and terms he used were very inappropriate. The counselor told me in front of Taylor that he wanted a chance to play with that child again. It was totally inappropriate for her to do so, as she should have done this away from Taylor. When I said, no, absolutely not, Taylor went into meltdown mode. I was the bad guy. I was wrong. My husband and I decided to listen to her advise and let there be very supervised visits amongst the boys.... and all hell broke lose. I should have respected my original decision.

Another time, a doctor, again in front of Taylor, asked me how we were going to work on Taylor getting his driver's license. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? He said he had been speaking to Taylor and he really wanted it. I told the doctor that I felt very uncomfortable with that conversation at the time and I didn't think we should talk about it right then. In all of his wisdom and knowledge, he told me no, this was a great time to talk about it. (In fairness this is before the vineland testing had been done and Taylor's results came back.... but we his parents knew his living adaptability.) I let the doctor know that we didn't feel that our son had the responsibility to drive. We let him know that he can't brush his teeth on his own without prompting about 20 times a day. We let him know we didn't feel it would be safe for Taylor or anyone on the road. With all of this in mind... Taylor was getting angrier and angrier. Taylor stormed out of the office when it was time to go. He called off our Taylor and mom date for Jamba Juice and he that night ran away. Again so upset and not being able to communicate it. My husband called the doctor right away letting him know it was unacceptable to be bringing things like this up in front of Taylor and he should be coming to us with these ideas first.

We are our child's advocates.... Always!