Let there be sushi, and 4 wonderful hours!

For the first time since April 24th, yesterday, we were able to take you off hospital grounds. I am so proud of you for being able to be on a high level so long that they let us whisk you away for FOUR GLORIOUS and WONDERFUL hours. I had a great time with you, as well as Big sis, Little sis, Spence and Dad. It means so much to all of us, but it just touches my heart so to see how it means something different to each of us. For me, I feel more complete when my family is all together, as odd as that might sound. When you aren't around, and Mandie isn't living at home due to her having her own house now, it just feels so incomplete at times. But yesterday, we weren't in the room just talking on the couches.... we weren't in your room visiting on your bed. Although I love to go to your garden and see what you are accomplishing with it, and I love going to the gym and watching you high tide and seeing you shoot hoops while Little sis plays hop scotch with Mandie, dad shoots hoops and Spence takes pictures.... yesterday we got to walk on the city streets. We got to go on elevators and escalators and go into stores. You got to help put Carlie in her car seat, and you got lots of hugs from her when we were driving. You got to spend time with Spence and Mandie by yourself. It was so exciting son!


We took you to Todai just like you wanted and this photo makes me smile. There is my Taylor on his third plate of food. You were slowing down on the sushi, but there you have your desserts. Of all the desserts you could have, there you are with green jello. You always have loved jello, and especially that of the green color. Here, you were being a nice brother and letting Carlie have some from your plate. That doesn't surprise me as you always are so good to her and try to take care of her so much.
I am sorry I had to tell you that Grandma Dodie passed away. I know that death affects you even more than it does most people. I would have liked to skip that part of the day all together, but we don't feel like we should lie to you or keep things from you. It is going to be ok.

I am excited that they have said that if you stay at a high level you can come home for a full 24 hours son! Not 4.... 24. I feel now, like I am being stingy. I am feeling like I am getting so spoiled. I keep going over in my mind who will be here. I am thinking of your favorites, what should I make him to eat. What should we do.... I couldn't sleep last night I was so excited.

Just keep on keepin on buddy and do it with a smile whenever you can. Just know you are so loved. I wish you knew all that was going on in our lives, wanting to help you. I am not amazed at how much your sisters love you really, but more, I am amazed at how much they will do to make that so clear. Car is so little but Mandie is going above and beyond.

Taylor gets an outing!

Today, Taylor gets an outing from the hospital. I am so excited. Some of the excitement is knowing that I get to just see him for the day, but the majority of the excitement is knowing how excited he is at the fact that he gets to leave his unit. There are also some fears that I am having. I am afraid I might say something that will set him off of course. I don't want that. I am afraid of him being around too many people might also set him off of course. However, those thoughts are just in the back of my head. Most of me feels nothing but pure excitement.

We had a benefit yard sale over the weekend. We ended up making a little bit over three hundred dollars, so that is very exciting. We also saved some of the things that didn't sell and we are going to try to sell them on Craigs list, so our earnings might end up at $400. I hope it will be good with the craig's listings.

We went to a Hawaiian concert at World Beat last night which was fun. It was still warm when we went there at about 7, but by the time we left there was a small breeze that felt so nice. I was excited to do something with the family. I did however have some anxiety issues going, and then with Taylor not being there, and being excluded from a family event, it was hard for me also. It seems like times like so are the hardest things to handle at the time.

Back to Taylor getting out for the day. A couple of weeks ago when we discussed him being able to leave in the future, he said, perhaps he would want to go bowling. Then the subject of swimming came up and he was excited for that. Now, he has instead chosen to go to Todai which is a Japanese restaurant in a mall in Portland. That is one of his favorite places to eat (besides McDonald's of course.) It is a little spendy, however, we were so glad he was able to communicate this all on his own.... That it really did not matter how much it cost. Him being able to communicate it was so impressive. He usually says, wherever you want to go, and leaves it like that, so his need is never met as he wasn't able to communicate it properly.

Amanda and Spencer will be making the trip with us. He will be so excited to see them both, so that also is exciting. I don't think that he is aware that they will be there. I am excited to see what today holds for us.

They said that there is a possibility that he might also be able to come home on the 4th of July for a home visit, so I am anxious for that also. Our block has a huge party and we all bring our own meat to bbq, their own beverage and their own plates etc.... Then each person also brings a dish of sort to share. Each family brings some fireworks so when it gets dark, we let them off. I guess it has been a tradition for years here. Last year was our first year to take part since it was our first year here, but Taylor, especially loved it.

Off to get ready to go see Taylor, Amanda and Spencer.

Today starts a benefit yardsale for Taylor's Trip

Today, at 9:00 am, a yard sale will be in progress trying to earn money for Taylor to go to Disneyland. I love the thought of getting more money for us to get him there. I however don't like the idea of sitting in the hot sun all day having people wanting to barter prices on items. That is alright if that is what it takes to get Taylor to Disneyland like he wants.

It makes me miss him to tell you the truth. He loves, loves, loves going to yard sales. He is always searching for things and digging through boxes. He is so funny when it comes along.

We have been told that he is having some great days at the hospital and that is such a good feeling. We know, however, it is going to make it twice as hard for him to leave and go onto the next phase.

When people go above and beyond what is expected....

So, many people don't understand about autism, especially if they have not lived around it their whole life. There are some people that when they hear that Taylor is autistic or has Asperger's Syndrome, they shun away, as they are afraid that they will say something wrong, or that they may have to witness something that is not comfortable. Some people just don't want to try to understand.

My daughter, Amanda, has been dating a young man named Spencer. They have dated for about a year or so. I think that Amanda had probably told him about her brother's needs, but I don't think that he really understood until he started to spend time at our family functions.

So, let's back up. When Taylor get frustrated and runs, or has a melt down.... life stops in our family. It can be for 5 minutes, it can be for 48 hours if Taylor runs and is gone for a couple of days. Immediately one of us calls the police to report a run away and one of us jumps in a car and start the long and grueling search for our son. It is horrifying. It is sad.... at the moment, all you are going on is total adrenaline and it just keeps you going, searching, and wanting to find our son.

Somewhere along the way, Taylor started to listen to his sister much more than he would listen to us. So, the call would always go to her also. Bless his heart, Spencer has dropped things again and again. It is odd to watch or think about. If Taylor sees our car or van, he will run harder, faster, further. If he sees Spence's jeep, he stops like a lost puppy dog and they open the door and he crawls in. Most guys would run from this... most guys would shun this. Spencer steps up to the plate and wants to mentor him. He wants to make a difference. He wants to understand.

Now, most guys would run from this.... especially when they are 23 years old and has a lot filling his life. Spencer has had his feelings hurt over Taylor's actions and behaviors because I don't think that he understood the magnitude of the disability. However, he has sat in hospital waiting rooms, emergency rooms, and has been up til wee hours of the morning staking out parking lots and combing the streets looking for Taylor when there has been another melt down.

This speaks volumes on someones ability to think outside the box. It speaks about the feelings in their heart.

Cheers to Spencer. I know that Taylor loves to hear from him and his sister when he is in the hospital. Sometimes words can't express the thankfulness in the heart. Thank you Spencer, from Taylor, and Taylor's mom and dad....

Autism Tip of the Day: The IAN project to learn and you can give info to help with autism research.

This Child of Mine By Sally Meyer

This Child of Mine....

This little child of mine
who is he?
where did he come from
and why is he mine?

I often sit and wonder
at the closing of the day
who trusted me
with this little one
who sent him here to stay?

This little child
who breaks my heart
yet fills it with such joy
what great thing have I done
to have this little boy?

When my tears run freely
joy and sadness mingled
what a mixture,
a blending of such emotion
who gave me this little child
and why am I so blessed?

I pray at night for answers
and call out in the dark
Thank you for this little child
whoever he may be,
he came from some unknown star
to bless and comfort me.

Autism is not the end of the World. . . . just
the beginning of a new one.

copyright. 1999. Sally Meyer

I found this wonderful poem on the net by Sally Meyer and it is so true. Through the heartache there is so much love for my son, knowing his trials and tribulations, and the rough, rocky, bumpy road ahead. There is also so much hope and so much admiration for my son.


Today, I was sitting here missing both of the men in my life. My son in the hospital and my husband is in California visiting with his family with our baby. It just lets my mind drift back to when they first met. Taylor liked Gordy so much and called him Gordman. He would rush home from Kindergarten and want to immediately call him. He wanted that connection as a young boy. He had my dad, and my brothers in his life, but he wanted someone to himself and he found that in Gordy.

I remember a night when my daycare closed. I was a single parent, and to find a daycare open at night to work my job, it was tough. Gordy would take the kids to his dorm room at the college and watch them for me. He would take them to the dining hall and they would think that was so cool (for Pete's sake, it was cafe food.... not a gourmet meal)... but to them... it was everything. He would take them to Jack in the Box. They were spoiled from day one with him as they got so much attention from not only him, but his students. After working and coming to pick them up, I expected to find Gordy in bed sleeping. There he was in his recliner. He had been crying, and I knew it was going to be that moment when he broke up with me.... why else would he be so sad? I asked what was wrong, and prepared myself. I know I started crying too, as I really was falling in love with this man. He looked at me and said, your kids asked me to be their dad tonight. My heart sank.... not only was this going to scare him off, it was going to break their little hearts. UGGGGGG! Oh crud here it comes. His mouth was opening and I started to feel sick to my stomach. *How do I deserve their love?* Those are the words that came from his mouth? He didn't believe in himself as a person that the kids would love. How could they NOT love him? I am amazed at the love that the kids have grown and built with Gordy. Different loves... they love him for reasons and me for totally other reasons.

I get this ping in my heart when I think of their relationships. I think that there are times that we all forget that he isn't biologically their dad. Seeing him go to the schools to advocate for Taylor. Seeing him look for things that they really like and are interested in. You can see his protective side when they are hurt or confused.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed! Carlie adds so much to that element also, so with that, we are blessed to be a family unit. Even in really cruddy and confusing times, we are a unit, we are united and we are one.

Update on Disneyland Fund For Taylor's Wish

Many thanks for all who have helped. I appreciate it.

Coutries visiting our site.

It is fun telling Taylor which countries have visited a site all about him and educating people on Autism. Thus far these are the countries.

Jamaica
Hungary
South Africa
United States
Brazil
Spain
Canada
Philippines
United Kingdom
Singapore
Malaysia
France
Japan
Mexico
Norway
German
Switzerland
Austrailia
Denmark
Taiwan
Saudi Arabia
Bermuda
New Zealand
Belguim
Columbia
Ireland

Do you remember when?.......

Uncle Bernie was at Auntie Terrie's going away party and he was trying to get Aki to do the Snuffalupikis Dance, and your mom caught it on Camera? Just to help Aki out here a bit....

Who Loves Ya Baby?

Here is your Salem Family that loves you Taylor. We are all sending you our love.

Out of the mouth of babes,and nursing infants You have ordained STRENGTH, Psalm 8:2
Just reading this out of Auntie Terri's book she gave us. It made me think of you... stay strong you have strength, and when you feel weak, God is with you, and your parents and family are here to help you pick up the pieces.

Taylor, yesterday was Auntie Terri's going away party. It was a very sad day in my world. I was sitting there cooking food, (and you know Mama likes to cook to entertain) and I just kept thinking how sad I was that I won't get to see Auntie Terri too much anymore. It made me get stressed out a bit, so I kept cooking. I then just started to have short bouts of sobs that would just escape from me, without even really knowing it until I could hear the sound. Dad came down and asked what was wrong, but no words would come out, just more tears. I was so sad, as I knew I would be seeing Auntie Terrie, Uncle Bernie and Uncle Ryan. I knew Spence and sis were coming over, and there was one person missing from our Salem Family, and that was you. That is really hard for me.

I am glad you were able to talk to everyone on the phone while they were here. Auntie Terrie and Carlie had made some really cute little figures and painted them. They put a face in each to represent our family. It was such a kind gift and very thoughtful. She also gave us some photos and some of them are of you from her two visits to see you. She also gave our family this book called Blessed Beginnings. It talks about how every child is a gift and from God. It was so heart touching. I knew that but it is so enlightening to read the words again so they can really touch my heart.

Uncle Bernie and Uncle Ryan were the life of the party. They were teasing Aki. I think you would remember him from their apartment when they helped them move. He is a nice young man, but not from Willamette. They were poking fun of him, and he was laughing. A few stories came up about you and sis when you were staying there with them when we had Carlie, and Uncle Ryan crawled onto the dryer to scare you kids. We all laughed as you loved it so much.

Uncle Bernie wrote today and said how good it was to talk to you on the phone yesterday. We gave them the cow from the Parry House like you wanted us to. We gave Auntie Terrie one also like you said. I however, didn't get the chance to write to her for you like you asked. You were so vague.... when you say write everything nice that you can for me because she is so nice, I sit and start and get all teary and have to stop. So, I promise, before she leaves on Saturday, I will totally sit and write her everything nice for you.

Son I love you, and I hope that there will be a day, we can sit and read this blog together and I hope that there is a day you will understand the depths of our love. Dad said that you sounded really good on the phone yesterday and you were even kidding around and joking. That is so good. I want your heart to be happy and content son. If you never understand the depths of our love, the the way we view love, that is okay, for I love you, just the way you were made son.

Forever your mom~ I love you to the moon and back...

Visiting Taylor

It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength. Maya Angelou

We went to visit Taylor and have a meeting on Friday and here are a few photos that I got while on the visit. It was a great visit. I was really impressed by the carving in this one particular piece of cement when we were there. There are dedications throughout the site, and this is one I came upon. Jesus Christ's Love. It will see us through. I really needed to see that, that day and for the past couple year, as this all feels like such a punishment, such a sacrifice to our family!


For some time now, about 10 or 12 years, I love to get photos of people from behind. Unposed! This is such a fun photo. Taylor was taking Carlie to get a drink of water after playing on the play ground. It was hot out and he was being thoughtful. This is them leaving the equipment on the playground.



This is the kids on the slide. Usually she is content going on her own, but this was a larger slide and she wasn't too sure about it, so Taylor took her down a few times. They both enjoyed it. They do have a nice play ground there for a unit of much younger kids. This site also used to be an orphanage a long time ago, so there are many building and it is a beautiful setting.

Autism Tip of the Day! Since they don't process the same as we do, it is best to say what you mean. For instance, if the person with autism or Asperger's is running, and you don't want them to run, many times you can't say "Don't Run", all they hear at times is run. You need to say walk, walk, walk. They will then process it more easily and their behavior will change more quickly.

Christ, I give you my son

I have sat here today in such a rush. I just feel antsy, and jittery. I am a mother with a broken heart for her son. I am a mother who is worried for my son. I am a mother who has had to take control to make sure that my son's disability is something that is no longer missed by specialists or doctors, or teachers or anyone. Sometimes I don't like myself too much when I have to take control as much, as I know the thoughts running through other's heads... that I am a *B* ! I will gladly wear the name if that is what it takes to get him the help, but it is still not too fun when you know what kind of person you really are.

I saw Taylor smile twice yesterday. Not the fake ones he does to get his picture taken, but the kind that you see the light in his eyes. It touches my heart so much to see that light.

I know biblically people have had to sacrifice their child as you asked them to. What a hard task. I don't know if I am there yet God. I can't lie as you are always aware of what is really in my heart. I could not take my son to the alter and walk away knowing he was going to die.

What I can do is put every ounce of faith that anyone can have in you, Christ. I know you are going to help my son. It might be through doctors really getting some great medications for Taylor. It might be by finding Taylor a great residential living. It might be you healing him. It might be giving him enough social and living skills he could remain at home. It could be Taylor making some friends his own age that are great influences. God I don't know your plan, but I trust it. I trust you. I trust the path that not only will you be taking Taylor on, but my whole family.

May your grace live through me somehow. God, let us reach as many people as we can and educate on autism and people with special needs. Often they are forgotten, and then they feel broken or thrown away.

Bless Amanda on her goals to get the vacation planned. Let people open their hearts and hear the love she has for her brother, so they order baked goods from her. I know once again you have a plan. She gets discouraged. She feels like she needs to do this. Let her know how special she is God.

Bless our family. Keep our unit whole and safe during this time of sadness and heart ache. Help me overcome my depression and health issues at hand. Help me sleep and feel rested.

Tonight, touch my son, and let him know he is in my heart today, and always! I will not leave his side no matter how many miles separate us.

More in depth on my group therapy for Autism

So, not sure what to write more about it. The group actually exists now, of 10 families including mine. That is about as large as it can get due to the space that there is (which is actually large for a home, but some families have more than one person coming, like Amanda and I, and hoping Gordy for the future) so, there is up to 18 people in the living room. The kids go downstairs as the person who started the group runs a daycare out of her home, so it is a perfect setting.

The lady who started it also has a book club that I am going to get Carlie involved with. You read so many minutes a week and you get tokens and you turn them in for prizes, etc. Since Carlie is young, it would obviously be with us reading to her. It is going to be a fun activity to do with her.

The speaker, again is wonderful. I was very impressed. He is a very nice man.

Today we saw Taylor in Portland. It was wonderful to see him. His hair is really short! He told me that he wanted it cut like a family member that we have named Kevin that lives in Hawaii. It made me happy that he wanted to be more like someone that is a role model rather than a child that has no supervision due to their parents being to busy drinking, drugs or just not giving a damn.

We stayed and ate lunch with him also. It was nice. He was antsy to get back to his unit. After we were done eating, we walked him back. We went to his room for a bit. Carlie took him a cat that she had made at daycare with those squiggly eyes that move. He liked that.

We had taken him a Japanese soda with one of those marbles in it, and some of the yogurt drinks also that he loves. I also took him in some Chicken Pasta with onions, peppers, and motz cheese. The sauce on it is a combo of marinara and alfredo. It is one of his favorites. I also took in some rhubarb cobbler left from the potluck last night. He was excited to get home cooked food.

We played in the gym for a bit, and then we took Carlie to the playground. It was nice to watch them play together. She gets so excited each time she sees either of the kids.

It was a good day....

My autism tip of the day is really not a tip, but a book suggestion. Last night I found out that Dr. Suess was bi-polar which also means manic depressive. Mr. Dunn showed us a book that was not published before his death, but after his death. His wife hired an illustrator and put his words into a book. It is called My many colored days. It is a fantastic book, especially, in my opinion, for those kids that are not able to communicate well about their feelings. They can associate their mood or their day with a color that Dr. Suess has put to his famous words that form catchy poems. It is a wonderful book! If you have a child with a disability I strongly recommend it. If you don't, I still strongly recommend it.

Support Group Last night!!!!

My first support group. Amanda went with me. I was scared. I knew I would cry and I didn't want to cry in front of strangers. Amanda is always my rock. Gordy wasn't able to go because he stayed home with Carlie. Apparently they have a daycare there and that was nice, so I hope next time my husband can come, or Carlie, or both.

I am on my way to see Taylor at the hospital, so I will write more later... but for now, just wanted everyone to know support group went well. I met some very nice people. Wonderful people.

The speaker, Mr. Dunn, who works with behaviors and behavior modification, was a very nice, and caring man. It was nice to meet him.

Tonight Potluck for my FIRST support group meeting

Just when I need it most. I am going to my first meeting tonight for Autism support groups. It has been a group that has been in place for several years I am told, but I just found out about them recently. What is so exciting about it is that there is an autistic specialist that is volunteering his time to the support group for 12 months. This is month two I think. The woman raves about him and I am just so excited to learn more. I just want to keep on learning more. The more I know the more I can not only help my son, but other's in the same area. I just feel thirsty for the knowledge of this disability. I want to continue this journey. Amanda is going with me, so that she can personally talk to the doctor about his thoughts on her getting on track to help special needs people. She doesn't want to be a doctor. But he might have some great volunteer projects that she could help out with or get her on the right path.

It is a potluck. I have been so busy with Taylor's room and trying to focus on getting better that I had forgotten until just now that I need to bring something for the potluck. So, that means I need to go to the store to get something to make. Not sure yet, but I have my feelers out.

Autism tip of the day: autism is not caused by drinking or smoking. Those things might cause asthma or fetal alcohol syndrome, but not autism. I know in my mind, when I first found out, I thought long and hard and I blamed myself for his disability. I do know that part of this can be in his genes. His biological father was diagnosed hyper growing up, had a hard time in school, etc. His moods would also change at a drop of a hat, and I see that in Taylor. However, I do not think that his biological father had asperger's, but did have the ADHD component that Taylor also has. Bottom line, you can't beat yourself up over this. This is nothing that you did, or that I did. This is just how our babies were made. It is hard not to blame ourselves, but try not to.

Labels and how they can make us feel.

There are labels that are put on us each and every day. Sometimes those labels might be labels that we put on ourselves, and sometimes those are labels that others put on us or how they make us feel. I was just sitting and doing some self reflections, and I realized some of my labels. Mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, baker, cook, scrapbooker, giving..... then I started thinking of labels that are on me due to life circumstances or labels that I have put on myself due to things in life. Fat, unattractive, protective, failure (due to not being able to meet my son's needs) opinionated. Need I go on. Some of these are from my past, some because of how I feel about myself when I am stressed.....

Then I start to think about the labels that my son must put on himself. I can't imagine not having any self confidence at all due to being ridiculed each and every day, or being laughed at or pointed at or stared at.... even physically harmed at school with people throwing things at him, or hitting him. (Going to the vice principal didn't help... Asperger's kids are labeled trouble. Even though there were witnesses that saw people do this to our son, it wasn't the kids who bullied fault, as they said Taylor was the aggressor. Vice principal didn't interview anyone else or even speak to us about what WE PERSONALLY SAW HAPPEN to our son). If people think for one minute that the schools understand disabilities, at our son's school, they are sadly mistaken. However, my point to my feelings that I am not getting out very well is this. I want my son to see the great labels he has.... I want him to see all the good he has. It saddens me that he must feel so alone in this.

My son's labels, Son, Brother, Grandson, Nephew, Funny, Silly, Comical, Genuine, Caring, Big Hearted, Generous, Talented, Smart, Handsome and Skillful.

Please don't label disabled people negatively, as I am sure they do that enough on their own.

To the moon and back buddy, to the moon and back.... forever your mom.

Today is the day I just have to force myself to do it.

As much as I hate it, as much as I don't think that I can do it, today is the day I have to go into my son's room and clean it. I haven't gone inside it but once or twice since he left. It was really soon after he left, and I had to take some laundry in there and get some things for his bag to deliver to the hospital. I walk past it, and it makes me sad to not have him here. So, because I get so sad and so panicked by being near it, I have avoided it like anything.

It will always be Taylor's room. I won't take his things out and turn it into a craft room or spare room. That is my son's room. If and when he ever gets home visits from the hospital or his assisted living, I want him to have HIS ROOM TO GO TO. I want him to know our home will ALWAYS BE HIS HOME. It stresses me out a lot if he thinks that we are abandoning him, when we are trying to do what is in his best interest. This surely is HELL for me to not be around my son and know that I am meeting his needs.

Maybe I can do it in increments.... go 15 minutes, stop... etc.... give myself a break from emotions every now and again. IT IS A MESS!!!

Next week my husband has to go to California with Carlie to see his folks. It is good for them and I wish I felt strong enough to go too... but just too much for me to deal with here. I was thinking about painting his room a different color. I am not sure. We shall see. For today, I just need to get it cleaned out.

Autism Tip of The Day: We are our child's expert! We need to remember this. Often times since we know our child more than anyone else, we need to stop the doctor's or counselors from decisions that are not good for our children, and often times that is sticking to our gut instinct. One time a counselor told me that Taylor wanted to play with a young boy down around the corner from us. We had had bad experiences with not only the boy, but his parents. They let their son play with air guns, and the language and terms he used were very inappropriate. The counselor told me in front of Taylor that he wanted a chance to play with that child again. It was totally inappropriate for her to do so, as she should have done this away from Taylor. When I said, no, absolutely not, Taylor went into meltdown mode. I was the bad guy. I was wrong. My husband and I decided to listen to her advise and let there be very supervised visits amongst the boys.... and all hell broke lose. I should have respected my original decision.

Another time, a doctor, again in front of Taylor, asked me how we were going to work on Taylor getting his driver's license. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????? He said he had been speaking to Taylor and he really wanted it. I told the doctor that I felt very uncomfortable with that conversation at the time and I didn't think we should talk about it right then. In all of his wisdom and knowledge, he told me no, this was a great time to talk about it. (In fairness this is before the vineland testing had been done and Taylor's results came back.... but we his parents knew his living adaptability.) I let the doctor know that we didn't feel that our son had the responsibility to drive. We let him know that he can't brush his teeth on his own without prompting about 20 times a day. We let him know we didn't feel it would be safe for Taylor or anyone on the road. With all of this in mind... Taylor was getting angrier and angrier. Taylor stormed out of the office when it was time to go. He called off our Taylor and mom date for Jamba Juice and he that night ran away. Again so upset and not being able to communicate it. My husband called the doctor right away letting him know it was unacceptable to be bringing things like this up in front of Taylor and he should be coming to us with these ideas first.

We are our child's advocates.... Always!

Always hugs for big brother!

Hugs are always something that are nice. I still can't believe what a good brother Taylor is to his little sister. He loves her so much, and she obviously loves him. When I look at this photo, I can tell how much he needed her hug right then and there. That was when we very first got to the hospital to see him. She always gets so excited that she actually squeals with delight.








This is when we were about to leave. Taylor took us to his room to show us he had moved to a new room. Now in their rooms, all there is, is a bed. Carlie tried to jump on his bed, but we quickly scolded her. You can just see on each of their faces that this hug is more of a sad hug. I am so glad that Taylor still likes hugs from his sisters. If you enlarge the photo you can see a tear drop in his eye. Makes me so sad!

My Grandpa Dave and Taylor

My Grandpa Dave loved me. He was a farmer all his life. He loved being around kids. His laughter reminded me of Mr. Edwards on Little House on the Prairie... a laugh that came from the belly, or from the toes. He was a good grandpa, but had some ideas on how to raise kids... as he was from a different generation. He had fun just pittling around his farm and Taylor would not be far behind, when we would go up. He would follow him everywhere.

My grandpa and I got into a huge argument one time while he was at my home, trying to help me with my car that had broken down, something to do with a thermostat and the car would overheat. Well my grandpa took a break and was talking to the neighbor. The neighbor was just about my grandpa's age... so they struck up a conversation. At the time, we were told Taylor had ADHD and not autism. So... the neighbor started to tease Taylor, and he was teasing him for quite awhile. He was calling Taylor a skinny runt (which he was) and Taylor thought if it was time to be truthful, he would tell the man what he saw... Taylor told him he was an old man. My grandpa took that to be very disrespectful (and I wouldn't really want Taylor talking to people like that) but, what really upset me is that he grabbed Taylor by the hair, in the bang area. Like a mother hen, I flew out my door when I heard Taylor crying and there was just a big confrontation and I told my grandfather to leave my house. I was a single parent at the time and had nobody to really vent to.... so I called my grandma and told her he better call me when he got home. She did. He made a comment about he loved Taylor just like he loved the rest.... ( so was he saying that because he thought Taylor was bad, or because I had Taylor being a single parent, or because of his ethnicity???? ) I took offense to it and just really made me upset. I told him not to come back to my home until he apologized.

The call never came. I missed him and hated not seeing him. I mean, months had gone by, maybe nearly a year. I swallowed my pride and called him. He acted as if nothing ever happened. My heart was hurt, but I was so glad we were on speaking terms again.

Fast forward a few years. My grandfather got cancer. It was on his lip first, and then in his jaw and glands. It was awful to see my big, strong grandpa wither away. The last time I saw him, was at my wedding. He had just had a surgery. There was a drop or two of blood that got on his shirt. When we danced, he apologized for the blood. Are you kidding? He should not have been there, that is how sick he was... yet here he was at my wedding, dancing with me. I said my final good bye to my grandpa a few days after the wedding as we were leaving back to Iowa. Hardest day of my life probably. Knowing you will never see someone again... not until heaven.... a huge pill to swallow. It took me forever to leave. My heart hurt so bad. I didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay. We had to leave the next morning.

Fast forward a few more months. I would talk to my grandpa on the phone from Iowa. The cancer was so bad, I could not understand a single word he said. A couple of times I think he was crying from frustration. I would put my husband on the phone, and my daughter on the phone. None of us could understand him. We would say, oh really grandpa, or well that's nice.... it was really uncomfortable for all of us. I felt bad for him. Then Taylor got on the phone. This is the same little guy that had his hair pulled by Grandpa.... he didn't care. He talked to Grandpa about baseball and fireflies and going to the farm in the Amish community. He carried on conversations with him for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. It was so wonderful to see my son with a disability and my dying grandpa have these long talks. I believe that God did that for Taylor, and God did that for Grandpa. My heart still fills with so much emotion when I think of it.

As for now, I think of Grandpa often. Now, I walk Relay for life, and each year I make out a sack for him. This year, I got a picture of the sack... Grandpa, this is for you, but this is also from a little boy who loved you, even if we didn't see eye to eye.

My grandpa on our last visit before I had to go home, apologized for the hurtful things he said about Taylor. He told me how much he loved him, and he knew he had made mistakes. My heart melted.

Autism Tip of the day and Asperger's Syndrome copied from Autism.org

Language:

• lucid speech before age 4 years; grammar and vocabulary are usually very good
• speech is sometimes stilted and repetitive
• voice tends to be flat and emotionless
• conversations revolve around self

Cognition

• obsessed with complex topics, such as patterns, weather, music, history, etc.
• often described as eccentric
• I.Q.'s fall along the full spectrum, but many are in the above normal range in verbal ability and in the below average range in performance abilities.
• many have dyslexia, writing problems, and difficulty with mathematics
• lack common sense
• concrete thinking (versus abstract)

Behavior

• movements tend to be clumsy and awkward
• odd forms of self-stimulatory behavior
• sensory problems appear not to be as dramatic as those with other forms of autism
• socially aware but displays inappropriate reciprocal interaction

Researchers feel that Asperger's syndrome is probably hereditary in nature because many families report having an "odd" relative or two. In addition, depression and bipolar disorder are often reported in those with Asperger's syndrome as well as in family members.

At this time, there is no prescribed treatment regimen for individuals with Asperger's syndrome. In adulthood, many lead productive lives, living independently, working effectively at a job (many are college professors, computer programmers, dentists), and raising a family.

Sometimes people assume everyone who has autism and is high-functioning has Asperger's syndrome. However, it appears that there are several forms of high-functioning autism, and Asperger's syndrome is one form.

Our son is classified as high functioning with Asperger's because he knows how to speak and can carry on a conversation, yet, his does not adapt to live well. He scores that of a three to five year old in some areas of being able to take care of himself on his own. It is very difficult to watch.

Sometimes Autism Is Silent

There are times that Tay just sits and thinks. He is silent. You don't know what is on his mind. He is not happy, he is not sad, he is just there. This picture from Saturday reminds me of that. Again, my son, a piece of me, a part of my soul.

My son, Taylor

Missing Pieces by

Missing pieces video Mark Leland

The song that represents Autism!